Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Miss my Dad

KarlDud
Posted by

Hi everyone, I lost my dad 12 weeks ago and thought I have been coping “ok”! It’s only been the last 2/3 weeks I’ve really started to struggle. It’s affecting my family life and my work! Some days I want to speak with people and other days I lock myself up in my own body until I burst! It all seems like a dream and one day I will wake and he be there!

i try and stay strong for my mum and I look normal on the outside but inside I feel a right mess!

what is it you do to help get you through the really dark days?

FransFriend
Posted by

Hi,

Firstly I'm really sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. Losing a parent is never easy no matter you/they are.

Secondly, there is no wrong or right way to grieve. It's a very personal experience and each individual copes with things in their own way. I think own coping mechanisms dictate how we deal with grief. 

The most important thing here is for you to look after yourself and your own wellbeing. Try to eat regularly and get lots of rest. Long walks in the fresh air might help too. The way you're grieving is what's right for you so never feel as though you're doing something wrong, and please don't be afraid to seek help if you feel things are getting too much for you. 

Wishing you all the very best.

Dios
Posted by

Hi KarlDud,

I had just come on here to post something very similar. I lost my dad 9 weeks ago yesterday. When Dad passed it was very hard but I had prepared myself in a way to deal with it as best I could the first month. I kept myself busy and focused on helping my Mum practically.

It was the lead up to my birthday last week that it really hit me hard. I've been so low the past 2 weeks that it's really affecting most aspects of my life. I'd been trying to stay strong for my mum and sister but it's not helping me cope with this horrible feeling of loss. The realisation that i'll never see my Dad again in this lifetime or whether i'll ever see him again (i'm not religious so that's a whole other conversation!). 

When i'm feeling particularly low i just have to let it out, i listen to a playlist i made for Dad all the time and i turn it up loud and sing along. It's a good release. I do have a cry and i do scream, if i kept that in i think i'd explode/implode, neither of which would be very helpful. 

What I started doing recently was writing to my Dad, telling him what has been happening, how much we all miss him, sharing funny stories of things that have happened and also getting my frustrations out about work etc. Somehow it feels like i'm still connecting with him when i do that. I also talk to him a lot, on my way to work in the morning you might hear me muttering like a mad man but i'm just talking to my Dad. 

One of the greatest things about my Dad was his terrible sense of humour and thinking about that brings a smile to my face so i will always think about how he would make a crap joke about something or tell me what Mum had done that made him laugh. 

Although i'm feeling low, these things have helped me cope as best I can, it's hard to talk to friends or family. I have to be the strong one, the son but really inside i'm a bit of a raging mess at the moment. Everyone always says it'll get easier with time and that's probably true but i really don't care for this 'new normal'. I'd give anything for another day with my Dad.

Feel free to message me if you want to vent or anything.

Dio 

MarieR1109
Posted by

Hi all,

I can really relate to how you are feeling, my dad passed 3 weeks ago on Saturday, since the funeral last Friday, the reality has now bit that I will never hear his voice or be in the same room as him ever again.  I, too, did a playlist to be played at my dads wake, and that emotes me greatly as my dad loved music and we used to listen to music together.

i feel at such a loss with myself or know how to talk to anyone in my family as we are all hurting.

Here if anyone would like to talk 

marie xx

Dios
Posted by

Hi Marie,

How are you getting on? 

I'm having a bit of a wobbly day as it's been 10 weeks since Dad passed and I still can't believe this has all happened. Those memories of him passing haunt my thoughts. I can't help but focus on how much I miss him, how he suffered and how he didn't deserve what happened. I know I should be remembering all the wonderful things he did and how amazing he was but the tragedy of it all is still very raw in my mind. These past 2 and a half months have been a blur. I'm slowly starting to find my feet at work again but I know i need a holiday as i'm burnt out. That unfortunately won't happen till Christmas time as I used up all my holiday days spending time with Dad before he passed away.

What have you been doing to get by the past few days? I've found that just going with the feeling that I'm experiencing at the time helps rather than try hide it. I don't care anymore if someone see's i'm a bit down. This is much bigger than a bit of pride or ego. 

All the best,

Dio x

MarieR1109
Posted by

Hey Dio, 

i feel you exactly, I feel so consumed by the loss of my dad, I just want to have him sat by me watching a bit of TV whilst he makes me a cuppa (which was always awful, but I could sit and drink it now and enjoy it).  

I live 2hrs from my parents and the last week we were called to a family meeting so I only packed for a night thinking no this wasn’t happening but after seeing him the night before the meeting, there was no way I was returning home, I went every day until be passed to hold his hand, I never wanted to leave, his breathing and colour changed and all I wanted to do was cry as I knew he was leaving us all.

The last few days, anxiety has gripped me, I can’t do crowded places and at night I close my eyes and see him in the last few days and I break into tears, I want his good memories to flood in, the ones I have had all my life not these crappy, hurtful ones. Have you had that feeling?

To top it off, sadly dads good friend who had lung cancer, he even came to visit us at home the day after dad died, passed away in the early hours off this morning, 2 rooms away from the room dad passed in, all this in less than a month.

I hate you dirty rotten cancer - you rob us of the best and make us watch it.

love to you Dio and thank you for asking, please message anytime you like, 2 heads are better than one when you feel so alone xxx