Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

It’s been two years but starting to really feel the grief

janeylord
Posted by

hi

my lovely dad died two years ago and only now it is starting to hit me he’s not coming back. Also I am experiencing periods of anxiety, this mainly happens when I’m not at home and when I’m out and about where I think of the last days and feel sick and really upset like I can’t control it and feel like running away. I don’t think I can cope with the change and I’m struggling though I’m still being social and exercising and seeing friends and don’t really feel depressed more about the bouts of anxiety and sometimes I have really dark moments. My dad was always there for us and so supportive.  Does anyone understand what I’m going on about? I know at the beginning I was In shock and didn’t cry hardly at all.

susan

heartbroken 

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi Susan

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad who was your rock.  

The emotions you describe are perfectly normal and are part of the grieving process.  Your own mind will know what is best for you and will control what grief you feel and when.  There are several things you could try to ease these feelings - talk to your dad whenever you want such as coming home from shopping and making a comment on the weather; visit one of your dad's favourite places, sit quietly talking to him; start a memory book and write down every time you feel anxiety what were the triggers, how you felt and how you coped, you could also include stories from your childhood and stories your dad told you about his childhood.

We all grieve at different speeds and in our own way so don't worry about how long it takes or how it affects you ie getting emotional in a supermarket.  Your dad will always be around you and will always try to guide and support you as best he can,  Do you have a very close true friend that you can talk to and who will understand and give you support even if it is just a silent hug.  It's good that you still socialise but if you don't feel up to it then cancel - your real friends will understand and give you the time and space you need.

Please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.  Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

upwards77
Posted by

Hi Susan, I’m really truly sorry. Your dad sounds lovely. How are you today? 

I totally understand the anxiety can be almost crippling. I think losing them is so hard to comprehend we become overloaded mentally. My mum passed in 2017. I ran away from it, worked, walked, avoided. My dad in 2019. I’m trying to not ‘run’ so much. I know it hurts like nothing else, but sometimes letting it hurt I find helps to decrease my anxiety. Sounds odd but I hope that makes sense. I went through times of real anger and I still do if I don’t get time to stop and let myself feel it. I focus on everything and blame everything, ignoring what it is which is really hurting. I don’t know about you but the anxiety had me literally coiled up, at times made functioning very hard, definitely impacted relationships as I was a ball of anger and couldn’t really listen. But it does pass, for me learning to recognise it helped me. Also to go a bit easier on yourself. We are allowed to grieve and should allow ourselves time to, painful as it is. I’m trying to do that today xx