Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Loss of my mum

Silverangel
Posted by

Mum passed away in april after only being diagnosed 34 days earlier with lung cancer. Since then I've not had time to grieve. I had to finish my nursing degree, look after my dad, deal with mums estate and deal with the fact that my mother in laws cancer is spreading. I dont always feel sad I just feel empty. I'm scared that if I cry I just wont stop and that I have to hold everything together. Any advice?

DINAH MAY
Posted by

I dont think that you had time to process what was happening to your mum because her passing was short after diagnosis.

My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away 4 months later and even in that time I was in shock and it took sometime afterwards to process what had happebned. You have had so much going on that you are just running on automatic dealing with everything that comes your way, It took about a year after for me to really understand that I wasnt really coping too well,  Feeling empty is natural, I stlll feel empty now over 2 years later, its still early days for you there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief but however way it comes out you will deal with it your way and its ok to cry, it ok to cry bucket loads then we just pick our selves up and carry on, At some stage you may want to speak to someone if you do then thats good and it if dont then thats ok too. Sending you a hug and my love XX

Lou12
Posted by

Hi Silverangel

I can relate to your post. I felt the same after I lost my mother to lung cancer and to be truthful still do nearly nine months on. I still do not feel I am grieving properly for my mother or than I have fully accepted she has gone. Grieving is certainly not something which is a step by step process to which I have learnt.

I feel life is so busy and relentless that I haven't fully comprehended my mother is never coming back. It's easier to pretend sometimes she's still in her house fit and well. I admit I do keep busy as not to think about everything we have lost or if I do sit down and fully digest everything I will fall apart and I can't afford to do that with two children who have lost their dearly loved Granma. 

All I can say is we all deal with it so very differently and maybe we grieve in the way we do because it's the best way for us. I wish I had the answers myself. 

I'm sorry that you're having to see your mother in law also ill with this evil disease life really is so very cruel. 

Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're doing the best you can and I'm sure your mother would be proud of you for all you're doing. 

Take Care x x x

Sahara78
Posted by

So sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my mum 11 days after diagnosis of lung cancer. I don't really know how to advise you as I still have grieved properly nearly 11 years later.

Be kind to yourself and maybe look into some grief counselling. I was offered it and never took it. I sometimes wonder if it may have helped me process it. I do understand its not for everyone though

Big hugs xxx

JB12
Posted by

I have no advice or kind words to ease your pain, but I empathise completely. My world fell apart at the beginning of June when my Mum died. Every day brings fresh agony and I have no idea of how I’m going to continue. I have a young family and a supportive partner but I feel very alone. I cannot relate to family or friends and I’m completely numb and apathetic to life’s ups and downs. I just feel like I’m in a pit of despair and things are hopeless. Less than 3 months later, my Dad is now on the cusp of a similar diagnosis and I have no idea how much more I can take.

i contemplate ending things on a daily basis. Everything seems pointless. I miss my beautiful Mum so so much.

Taylor000
Posted by

Hi, 

i am so sorry you lost your mum. My mum died a few weeks after being diagnosed with lung cancer. She was a very fit and healthy lady. I have two young children. But I can understand exactly what you have said, life is busy and I initially avoided the pain by keeping busy with my children and work. The emptiness and pain is indescribable, and the enormity of what I have lost is overwhelming. It feels like a part of me has died. Hence why I initially avoided it. It’s been 8 months since my mum died and I feel like I have to pick myself up everyday to carry on. I still think I am in shock and numb most of the time but I have noticed more and more I am tearful but also sad, angry, confused etc about what has happened. That’s the start of my pathway through grief, I guess. It’s hard, so so hard. But I carry on for my mum and try to live life as my mum desperately wanted to. My heart aches for you. You are doing the best you can. Do things the way you need to. But look after yourself and give yourself space/ time. X