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Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Terrified of losing someone else

Shoo
Posted by

Hi all,

I lost my wonderful dad on the 24th June 19 to primary liver cancer. From diagnosis to death was 5 months and 2 days. He was finally diagnosed in January, however it could have been sooner had somebody taken action when his first blood test a year before showed abnormal liver function, and then a following blood test 6 months later showed the same, and an ultrasound in november showed lesions on his liver...but alas it was January 19. January when he was sat down in a room, on his own and blindsided with the news that he had terminal cancer with a prognosis of 6-9 months. Cancer had never even been mentioned before, not even when they found lesions on his liver, it was never suggested that it could be cancer. He had 3 rounds of chemo and on the 30th may he was told it hadn't worked and he was being discharged from the christie. That was it. "Nothing else we can do Mr Jones, Macmillan will be in touch". Having had all of this happen, now terrifies me to my very soul that I'm going to lose somebody else in the same way. I am finding myself avoiding planning anything for the future because somebody might die. I'm constantly checking my body for abnormalities incase I've got cancer and I dont know. I'm getting so anxious about it every day that I feel sick. I hope this will pass and it's just a part of grieving but I just dont trust myself to be hopeful about anything anymore because it only leads to inevitable heartbreak at the end. I guess that comes from being the optimistic one out of all of us. I was adamant that this wasnt going to beat my dad and I feel like an idiot now for not just accepting it and making the most of my time with him.

Has anybody felt the same way? 

Sian x

Siany xx
DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi Sian

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.  Maybe when he first had his test they thought that the results could be from something else hence not mentioning cancer. Your dad would know what you were going through and would understand your not making the most your time with him.  The main thing is that he knew you loved him and were there for him what ever he needed.

A lot of what you are feeling is perfectly normal as part of the grieving process.  Remember that we all grieve in our own way and at our speed so there is no right or wrong to grieve or time limit.  What happened to your dad has made you more aware of cancer and how it can affect someone - most people don't understand how it affects someone until they witness it then start thinking about it more due to their increased knowledge.  Also, as we get older - even from 25 to35 - we change the way we think about what have and what we have yet to have ie house, family.  This makes us think more about our own and others mortality - everyone has these feelings at times and they are felt more after losing a loved one or close friend / work colleague.  Theses feelings can be exacerbated when you are alone and it is a scary feeling.  If it is causing severe anxiety issues affecting your daily work and home life then a visit to your GP is certainly worth thinking about.  Short term, try visiting one of your dad's favourite places, sit and quietly talk to him and watch and listen for any response - he will try to find a way to let you know he is near such as a bird coming very close to you.  he will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best he can - you have to be aware of the signs he is near such as you answer the door and your boiling pan is turned down while you are away from it.  try to write down as many memories you have of your dad - both happy and sad - which is a great to get your emotions out, also try to include stories he told you about his childhood.

Please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.  Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Shoo
Posted by

Hi DaveyBo,

Thank you for your reply. I will try the things suggested. I guess I'm just not used to feeling this helpless and vulnerable. Everybody goes on with their daily lives and I just want to scream out loud. I just miss him terribly. 

Take care 

Sian

Siany xx
Shona2
Posted by

Hi Sian,

First of all in so sorry for your loss, I’m new to all of this and wouldn’t normally express my feelings however lately it’s all become a lot to deal with. I lost my mum in November 2019 to liver cancer. She was still working a month before and seemed perfectly healthy. She was diagnosed terminal and then 19 days later she died, it was very quick. 
Ever since her passing i’ve been so paranoid with the people around me. I’ve worried so much for my dad that I hadn’t given myself time to grieve.
sometimes if he falls asleep on the sofa I just watch to make sure he’s still breathing it’s just a natural instinct for me at the moment.

My sister is due to give birth with her first child in June and I’m so worried something will go wrong and I will loose her too. I know how you feel. 
I know this post was last year but hopefully we can reach out and help each other.

I hope you are doing okay.

Shona x