Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Being honest...

Hope_29
Posted by

I’m sorry to drone on but I just feel rubbish atm. My Mum died a few years ago and I’ve ‘accepted things’ as much as I can, but am drowning in other ways. I have two children - one of whom is lovely in many ways, but a massive handful, and I am struggling to keep my calm at times. They are both still young, but are full on all day, every day, and my husband is helpful but not always around to help because of work. I miss my Mum. I miss having someone who understands this privilege, but also the weight of responsibility which sometimes threatens to sink me. I know that sounds melodramatic, but I really have nothing of ‘me’ left since I had children. Other people my age just do not get not having a Mum around. I don’t feel big enough for this challenge sometimes, and it scares me as I think how pathetic am I to not handle two young children. I have also lost other family members and felt like I said goodbye to my youth, childhood, identity and sense of self in one neat bow when my Mum died and had my children. I realise that is whiny self-indulgent talk, but I have suppressed my own feeling for a few years for others’ benefit. Do children become easier when you no longer have your Mum? Should I just shut up and step up to the plate? Any advice would be welcome. I love my children very much, but just feel very vulnerable without the person who knows me inside and out. 

Sorry for whiny post, I just needed to get this out. 

GBear
Posted by

Being honest is just that , its OK to say its not OK and you certainly don't need to apologize for the "whiny post". Your post probably reflects what a lot of us feel but maybe not yet ready to admit it and that's OK. I don't have children so really can't understand that part, apart from children seem to understand better then we realise. But I am sure others with children can offer a few words of wisdom there.

Sending you a gentle hug

  GBear Xxxx 

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Lou12
Posted by

Hi Hope

I wanted to reply to say firstly it's not a whiny post and you have every right to feel as you are so don't feel you are being self indulgent. I can see you love your children very much. I can relate some what in that I have two children I think mine may be older they are 12 and 8 but some days I feel utterly exhausted and overwhelmed by it all still even now they are older. Some days are just relentless and then you feel guilt for even thinking that.

My mother was like a second mother to them, even though of course they are my children I always felt she helped me carry a lot of responsibility for them and helped me bring them up from babies any advise, help, questions she would always willingly be there so to have it snatched away has made me feel like I'm utterly alone in a world where everyone else has their mothers.

I wish I could offer you some advice to make it easier for  you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in missing sharing your children with your mother and asking her for her help in just being able to say Mam I'm struggling with the kids please help me. To know she would know what to say back to make you feel 100 times better. 

They do get easier as they get older and you do get more time for yourself and get your identity back. I'm still struggling and know I always will struggle with not having my mother there to see them grow and change. Every milestone so far since she has gone has been bitter sweet. 

I've reread what I've written and thought I probably haven't made you feel a lot better!!! Sorry I just wanted you to know you're not alone x x x

Hope_29
Posted by

Thank you both very much. I suppose I just have my self-indulgent moments of feeling weak and venture into thinking too much and young children don't really let you do that. The lack of time to think of myself is more a blessing than a curse, but still tough at times, ungrateful as that sounds. 

Thanks for helping me refocus on what matters x