Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Does it get easier?

london_mack
Posted by

Hello, 

I joined this community tonight as its been two months since my dad passed away and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed away 50 days later, so was quite quick and a bit of a shock.
I know this sounds silly but I never thought my parents wouldn't be there and now I feel so lost. I feel like a part of me is missing and i'm just walking around each day in a bit of a haze.

Im very good at smiling and being 'fine' when I am around people, but I can't get over the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and sadness. I don't live near my sister or mum and I don't have a partner and I have felt that friends don't 'check in' anymore, half of me isn't mad at them because it didn't happen to them and their lives carry on. I just feel very alone.

I took just less than a couple of weeks off work afterwards, but I feel like maybe that wasn't enough, half of me expects to have a meltdown at some point because I feel like I am keeping a lot of my feelings in.

I really don't want to sound like i'm moaning, I just wondered if anyone is feeling the same or been through it, does it get any easier? I have emailed a counsellor tonight to get an appointment which I think will be good to talk about it, but It would be nice to talk to anyone who is also feeling the same or been through this.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

X

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi London_Mack

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.

Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace so there is no right or wrong way of feeling or how long.  Being alone does make it harder - maybe your friends don't check in because they don't know what to say or do around you in case they upset you.  True friends will stick by you and accept if you are tearful sometimes or angry.  Don't bottle up your emotions - let them go whenever and wherever, if people can't accept it that's there problem (I had many a tearful trip round my supermarket).

I gather from reading this that you didn't live at home so you were not near your dad.  Maybe you could take a weekend break to visit home, go to a place he loved on your own, sit there quietly talking to him and let him know how you feel.  Watch and listen for any signs that he is there such as a bird coming very close to you.  Your dad will always be with you and will always try to guide and support you as best he can.

Speak to your HR department and / or boss and ask them if you could have a few more days off - unpaid if necessary - as you feel that you need a bit more time.  If they are understanding and know that it will benefit you and them long term they should agree to this.

Please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.  Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

David

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MeganMay
Posted by

Hi, 

Sorry for your loss.  Must have been quite a shock.  I am nearly 4 years in, and it will definitely get much easier, but the first year in particular was a tough one. For me, the ten week mark was the hardest. Couldn't cry for a very long time, someone wrote on here that they felt they were holding a heavy weight of salt, and I felt like that too. It takes a long time to come to terms with. If you feel like you need some time off work then I think you feel like that for a reason so it could be a very good idea. Work can get your mind off things, keep you grounded and you have to be around people, but also you have had quite a shock and are bereaved and sometimes things catch you off guard and that can create problems too. I found the first few months completely exhausting. People say you really need to look after yourself when you lose someone and it's actually really true. Think bereavement is nothing like you might expect it to be and found it very life changing. Don't worry about how you are doing, or if things feel topsy turvy. Again, sorry that you lost your Dad. Dad's are very special and irreplaceable. Take care.