my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer just over a year ago.
Quite soon after her diagnosis, the ‘true colours’ of family came to light and I found much of their behaviour, distasteful, wildly inappropriate and quite frankly as if they were moving this along so my grandmother would no longer be a burden. I therefore had no alternative but to remove myself from the situation as I could not watch my ‘family’ being so easily dismissive of my grandmother and her life and made it impossible for me to return by speaking my mind to those involved.
I immediately began to regret my actions especially as this meant seeing my grandmother would be impossible. I therefore decided that I would end my life once she died, rehoming my dogs, sorting finances etc. I managed to see my grandmother very occasionally when a certain family member was taking care of her and on one occasions she was very distressed and upset. As she had not really been cognisant for several weeks at this point, I didn’t expect for her to understand what I was saying but I told her not to be scared as I would be with her. However she did understand and begged me not to end my life so I promised her I would not.
She passed in October and ever since the day I walked away, I have been wracked with guilt, not only for leaving her, but the things I said to family, my actions etc. I have been self medicating for around a year now with pain killers I purchase from the internet. Whilst I actively don’t believe I am trying to end my life, I am unconcerned if I do or not as I would no longer be in such pain. I have tried to seek medical help but I’m told to stop taking the tablets but with no offer of an alternative or any way of dealing with my grief.
I dont really know why I've posted today. I guess I am hoping for a miracle or someone to say something to stop this pain I am in, which I know is impossible.
You have reached out and that's a great thing, I've found this site to be a source of great comfort.
The pain is real, and people deal with grief in many different ways which I'm currently experiencing, and although our circumstances are slightly different, I've had the same kinds of thoughts as you.
It's brave you reaching out, people say things when they are grieving things they don't mean, however is there any chance that you can re connect with your family, and try and sort things out and maybe relive some memories you all had/have of her, I'm sure your Gran wouldn't want you to fighting, (Mine wouldn't) with regards to you self medicating have you ever thought about getting some other kinds of help, or visiting your GP.
Look after yourself though hun, is there anything you enjoy doing, like sports or creative things? could you maybe do something like this to take your mind of things, and meet new people perhaps?
Thinking of you.
I’m sorry you for the loss of your Grandmother and the pain you are in right now. Please think of her and everything she did for you - that love is still there and willing you on, I believe you know this deep down. She wants you to live a life for her as much as you - I know it can feel horribly daunting, but it’s what you need to do for her and yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about as she knows you loved her.
Please see your gp again and tell them what you told us, you have nothing to be ashamed of and need a bit of support in stopping taking the painkillers. Grief counselling may also help. You can and will do this. We are here and ready to listen whenever you need x
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