Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

I’m not coping with the loss of my Dad

Vonnievon42
Posted by

My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer last August and by November my dad was diagnosed with secondary liver cancer (primary unknown) I am a carer and promised my dad he would remain at home. (Which we adhered to) but what haunts me every day is....was this the right thing to do? I feel as though Dad deteriorated very quickly. I keep thinking that maybe if we never started the palliative care drugs etc he would’ve been with us longer...he passed in February this year. Did I kill my Dad is what goes round and round in my head. I hope someone will help me because this is awful and I’m trying to stay strong for my mum who’s still fighting her battle. Thank you in advance for any comments.

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi Vonnievon

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and that your mum is also fighting.

Firstly you did what you thought was right.  Your dad was at home with the people he loved and who loved him.  You did not make the decision alone so shouldn't blame yourself.  Guilt is one of the symptoms of grief alongside anger aimed at those who did not do enough to help ie hospital staff.  At home, he would feel more relaxed, not have the regime of a hospital such as when to have meals, he could do whatever he wanted such as watching tv or going into the garden.  You have to remember all the good times you had as a family.  Talk to your dad whenever you want and listen and watch for signs that he is near - he will always be there and will always try to find ways to guide and support you.   You need to have time to grieve yourself as well as looking after your mum - have you anyone that can care for your mum for one weekend while you go away just to give yourself a bit of healing time.  Maybe you could visit one of your dad's favourite places and sit quietly, talk to him and be aware of the peaceful feeling and any signs he is near.

Please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief such as anger and guilt.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

David

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