Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

How do I even begin to come to terms with losing my mum?

Soph79
Posted by

It's been 3.5 weeks since mum died. It doesn't seem real and every morning when I wake up it takes me a minute to remember that she has gone, this is normally when I go to ring or text her. I am doing my best to try and help my dad through this as well. The three of us were a team and so so close, feels like a huge gaping hole in our lives. We have spent the last 2 years dealing with the rollercoaster journey of the diagnosis, intense treatment, all clear shortly followed by the devastating news of it returning and having spread too far. End of life care starting and within 2 weeks of that she was gone. 

I have amazing friends who are doing their best to help, just feel like they don't get it. My partner has been an absolute rock throughout all of this and is trying to handle his own grief as well as be strong for me and my dad. Even with him, my dad and my friends i feel alone. She was best friend in the who!e world and I feel lost without her. 

Guess I've come on here to see what I can do to try and come to terms with my loss. 

Sunshine19
Posted by

Hey Soph79, 

Just to say sorry for your loss, it's sounds like you and your mum had a beautiful realtionship. Something to treasure. 

I have no magic words and im no expert, I only have my own experience. but have found having this forum,  has really helped me. Sharing and listening (There's a lovely bunch in here) X

Can completely relate to what you said, it is very early days for you and I experienced very similar feelings. I had so many people around me, meaning well. But never felt so alone,  I just wanted my mum. X

My beautiful mum died end of July last year. After a relapse and treatment and unfortunately she wasn't strong enough. XXX I was also lucky to have her as my best friend. My world. Xxx My whole world shattered in an instant. Not gonna lie, it's been tough. There's been big waves and I've struggled at times. Grief is so individual, even in a family. But it completely normal (whatever that is) reaction to lossing someone so special. X

What I have learnt, is there is no set format of grief. No wrong or right way. You just have to do it your way. I hated when someone said to me, time is a healer. (It made me angry). I will never get over it, I thought. And I haven't , but the time has enabled me to process, a tramatic time. The waves are less frequent and calmer times are more frequent. The Good memories have out shone the sad times and I can focus on what my mum wanted for me. My mum was so vibrant and had a lust for life. She wanted us to look after each other and told us, we had to have lots of FUN. This is something in the early days was unthinkable, but I now can draw on her wishes and get comfort from it. She has always been the biggest influence in my life and still is. I think of what she would think, say about everything. I'm slowly building the life, she wanted for me. I have my dad and a rock of a partner, and beautiful family and friends. These relationships, have strengthened in the last few months, at the beginning must admit I pushed them away. Xx  The waves still come, but are less frequent and  calmer times are longer. I also know, I can do this. Why because she was my mum and I'm me because of her. XXX 

I send you warm wishes in these difficult times, look after you  and yours xx 

Sunshine19
Soph79
Posted by

Thank you so much sunshine19 for taking the time to reply. 

It is good to hear from someone who has been through it. I feel drained and don't have the words this evening. I have been writing to mum today and that has helped, feels like I have spoken to her even though there was no reply. 

Fern001
Posted by

I lost my mum 2 weeks ago today too. It is life changing and we are just forced to see everything without them. We will find the courage to get through this.

I am finding comfort in thinking about her a lot - sometimes I say out loud ‘love you mum’. I just want to keep her with me and around in my home and talk a lot about her..... the letter sounds a great  way to continue keeping her around. We had the funeral yesterday and it was such a beautiful service, I’m going to visit her over the next couple of days to talk with her- cry more if I need to- the best advice is ‘keep doing whatever you are doing’, because there’s no right way, your way is the only way for you. 

Sending love and light xxx

Hope_29
Posted by

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only speak from personal experience, but in the beginning I felt I was clinging to a piece of driftwood in a turbulent sea of utter despair and incomprehension at the thought of living in a world without my Mum in it. Sounds a bit cheesy, but that's the best description I have of that time.

You have gone through so much in such a short time and I honestly believe it takes time for the brain to 'catch up' with past events, nevermind begin to process the extreme emotions of grief. Give yourself time and space as much as possible. The unravelling of everything you've been through is a complex process, but you won't always feel like you are consumed by those feelings. It's all still very raw, but you can and will find a way to live again. Be patient and kind to yourself in the meantime x

Sunshine19
Posted by

Awww your welcome. Aww grief is so exhausting. Try to rest where you can. Someone told me in the early days. Be kind to yourself. This may seem sensible and not always easy. If like me you always putting others first. But I truly believe this is important. XXX 

I wrote a letter to my mum too. I find it comforting. I often ask her questions in my head. It amazes me, how I just know what she would say. XXX  

Always about for a chat. Xx 

Sunshine19
Soph79
Posted by

Thank you and sending you the same  xx 

I miss her incredibly everyday and I talk to her a lot!! Whether that’s just out loud as I’m thinking about her, writing a letter to her or I have picked up the phone as if to ring her and just saved it as a voice memo. All of these for me are helping. 

Have taken a couple of days away from everything (no technology or people!) and it has done me the world of good. 

Have realised that I was closer to her than anyone else in my life so this is why I feel a huge void. Have also realised that it’s okay to feel that way. 

Xx 

Sunny43
Posted by

Hi Soph79  - I lost my lovely mum last September. The loss has hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so close to mum and like you, the void in my life is huge. All the feelings that your feeling are normal. This site has helped me a lot, everyone on here understands. You realise your not on your own xx