Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Lost my dad

bubbles79
Posted by

My dad was diagnosed at the end of January this year with oesophagus, lung, heart and lymph node cancer and he passed away at 3 weeks ago at the end of March. I am absolutely heartbroken and still can't believe that this has happened to my poor dad. His final 24 hours were so distressing for him, and for us. He was very agitated and was trying to leap out of bed even just one hour before he died despite being unable to hold himself or communicate. Every time I have a minute to myself all I can think about is seeing him take his final breath and laying in bed with no life left. I can't get the picture of him being carried out of our house in a body bag out of my head. I'm only 23 and it hurts so much knowing I have to live the rest of my life without my dad.

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi bubbles

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.  You can take great comfort from knowing that you and other family members were there for him all of the time - this would have given him peace and comfort.  Your dad will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best that he can - you just need to be open to any signs.  It is very easy to say but those images will fade in time - you just have to allow your own mind to do what is right for you and it will help you heal.  Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way so don't worry if yours is longer or shorter than others.  Also, try to not bottle up emotions even in public - it's okay to shed a few tears anywhere anytime and you will be surprised at how many people will offer you comfort.  Maybe you could try visiting one of your dads favourite places on your own and quietly sit there talking to him and open yourself to feelings of peace - watch for signs that he is near such as his favourite bird appearing close by.  He will always be in your heart which is the most important thing.

Please contact the support line on 0800 0808 000 which is open daily 9:00 – 8:00 for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

David

What is a Community Champion?

bubbles79
Posted by

Hi David,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will remember these when I am feeling down. 

DaveyBo
Posted by

You're welcome Bubbles - don't forget you can post as much as you want whenever you want if it will help to get things out of your system.  Someone will always respond and there is always the support line if you need it.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

David

What is a Community Champion?

mbg98
Posted by

Hi,

Reading your post sounds very similar to mine, I also lost my dad this year at age 20, my dad was diagnosed out of the blue with kidney cancer, we had a rough few months, the cancer being very aggressive and spreading to the brain, lymph and lung. My dad only had 6 months from diagnosis and it was very hard to watch him fade away.

Similar to you, my dad also fought to the very end, and was adamant he wasn't going to die, these are the thoughts that upset me most, as I know how much he didn't want to leave this world and leave behind me, which I can imagine is exactly how your dad felt too. Its strange the things you think of, when you're a little girl, you think about your dad walking you down the isle and reading a speech, and being granddad to your children, it doesn't ever cross your mind that these things will be ripped away from you. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, I find myself crying often thinking how I will cope without my dad for my whole life. Its a scary thought, but something that we can get through.

Its a hard process, and I don't think it gets any easier, I just think that eventually, you learn to live with the loss.

Sending you my love,

M x

bubbles79
Posted by

Hi M,

thank you for your kind words. I think you have described exactly how I feel. I got engaged 12 days before my dad died; my fiancé and I have been together for 5 years and I told him that unless he asked my dad’s permission I could never get married. It turns out that it was my dad’s dying wish that we got engaged and he even contributed to my ring, which makes it feel that bit more special. It really is so heart breaking to imagine a whole life time without my dad and knowing my children will never meet their grandad, I’m sure you feel the same. 

It’s good to know that I am not alone in how I’m feeling. Sending my love xx

mbg98
Posted by

Hi,

No problem, wow, that's so lovely that your dad could do that for you and still be part of that milestone in your life. I'm sure you will treasure that ring even more now. Good luck with all the wedding plans!

Likewise,

M x

Helen2712
Posted by

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss! Your words made me cry, I lost my dad January this year. He was diagnosed with renal cancer last September it had spread all along his spine and brain. Prior to him being diagnosed he was so active even helping me decorate and taking us all out on his boat along the canal every sunny day we had! As soon as he was diagnosed he declined rapidly and I just wouldn’t believe it! One stage he coughed and broke his neck! I have flash backs now and dreadful dreams were he’s always ill. 

I returned to work in March but I find every day hard, I worry about my mum and in general I just feel like I am walking around with a deep sadness. I miss him so much! I don’t speak to many people about how I feel mainly because I can’t even get the words out without a painful lump rising in my throat and just crying! 

I just remind myself that my dad wouldn’t want me feeling this pain he’d want me to be happy. 

But I do know how you feel, I understand the pain your feeling completely. You are so young to loose your dad! Me too! Cry when you need to and also do things to make you smile. Talk about your dad and how you feel to your family/friends. If in time you are still struggling seek some counselling.... that’s my plan. 

Xxxxxx hugs xxxxx :( 

Doris777p
Posted by

Hi bubbles and the others on this thread. I'm so sorry for your losses. Loosing a loved one is horrible. I lost my dad in June 2018. It's a year this month that he was taken into the hospice. All the memories are flooding back and it's hard. My advice to u all is to access help. Put your names down for bereavement counceling, even if u think u don't need it. It helps massively. Also remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If your having a bad day then have a bad day, talk, cry, scream if u need to, just let it out! Don't bottle it up as it doesn't help. U will have good days. U will have bad days where u cant control your emotions, just remember it's normal! Let yourself grieve and be kind to yourself. Don't avoid it either, go to there favourite places. Spend time at the cemetery, write letters, talk to anyone and don't be afraid to be open with your feelings. Going through watching someone die takes its toll on u. Them memories don't just disappear, it takes time. It's coming upto a year since I lost my dad to lung cancer,it lasted 3 months from diagnosis to him dying. It's no time at all, but in that time we both went through alot and it has a lasting impact on u, it has done me. I've had bereavement counceling and I'm currently having CBT. I've been really good these last few months until the other day when I realized it's this time last year he was having chemo and being rushed into hospital, I thought he was going to die there and then, he didn't thankful and I got a few more weeks out of him, but on the 11th of may be was taken into the hospice and palliative care was in place for him. He wasn't going to be here much longer and it's something I had to accept. I know why I feel like utter crap these past few days, it's memories and times and dates that are replaying over and over. I'm able to realise what it is tho and in time u guys will get there.

I just wanted to let u know that it does get better. The first things without them are always hard but just remember them in the best way possible and celebrate them. Think of them and talk with loved ones about them. Don't be afraid to talk. Being on here does help massively as we all know how it feels to deal with this crappy illness that is cancer!! It's utter crap!

Take time to heal and don't be hard on yourselves xxx

Dorris777

bubbles79
Posted by

Thank you, M. I’m definitely so glad that he was able to be here to see me get engaged. Now the wedding planning has begun its very hard to do without him. 

Hope you are well x

bubbles79
Posted by

Thank you for such kind words everyone. The more time that passes, the harder things feel. No matter how hard I try I just cannot comprehend what has happened. It’s so hard carrying on with life without my dad, I feel like there is no point anymore without him here. Hopefully things start to look up soon x

bubbles79
Posted by

Had a really great day today. I am in the final few weeks of training to be a teacher and I got the best feedback I have ever had for my teaching. I also bought a new car and asked two of my nieces to be flowergirls at my wedding. Despite how proud and happy I feel, there is a deep underlying sadness for how deeply I wish I could talk to my dad about it all. He would be so proud. I miss him so much. 

Sbt123
Posted by

I lost my dad 9 days ago. I feel utterly lost, sad and angry. Not at him though, never at him. He so didn’t want to die and tried his very best. But the disgusting vile disease just took over. I’m angry at everything and everyone. Everywhere I look there are dads and grandads. Why not one of those??? Why my dad? I don’t want to talk about it with friends as they’ve really got no idea have they? They can only imagine. I don’t want to talk about it to anyone else either. How can they help? They can’t make it better by bringing him back. I try to imagine that he’s still here and just in the other room. My 7 year old daughter said the other day, “ just imagine he’s gone on holiday and he hasn’t took his mobile to phone home.”  I like that.... he’s on holiday somewhere nice and sunny with no pain or cares in the world!!

sorry for blethering... just had to get that out! 

Well done on your lesson observation. Bet your dad was right there in the room with you, making sure it all went to plan for you.

xxx

bubbles79
Posted by

Thank you sbt123, I know exactly how you feel. My dad really did not want to die either and I’m still so hurt and angry. Your daughter sounds like a very clever little girl, I like her way of thinking. I hope you find peace soon. Xxx

mbg98
Posted by

Hi I know how you feel, i lost my dad in January and still now I am angry, and I don’t know if that will change, and I find I’m jealous now of old men because my dad never got the chance to be one. I can relate to not wanting to talk to friends, often I’d get wound up talking to friends during my dads illness because they’d say things like ‘it’ll be ok’ which i know is meant to be comforting but was actually very frustrating to hear. I knew it wasn’t going to be ok because I knew my dad was going to die, and they didn’t see how hard it was nursing him through such a vile disease day in day out. 

My dad loved being on holiday so I hope your daughter is right about where they end up, children have the loveliest view on things,

i hope things can ease up a little for you, time goes fast and life just carries on, cry when you need, laugh about times twitch him if you can, that’s what has helped me. X