Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

My siblings death

Louisa F
Posted by

I wonder if this is normal...I feel so angry with all of my friends..those that have sent flowers are clearly thoughtful and kind and the flowers do nothing to help me to feel better and those that have done nothing I feel I cannot see...I also don’t want to see anybody anyway as all people do is talk “small talk”.

my sibling only died 8 days ago...maybe this is what my initial grief feels like? I have no idea but am very flat and sad. I hate feeling this way. 

Louisa 
Bodach
Posted by

Hi Louisa, welcome to the online community and I'm sorry that you have had to find us at this time.

I think the simple answer to your question "Is this normal" - I am afraid it is.

Losing a sibling is a difficult time in anyone's life and friends do what they think you would want some send flowers to show you that they are thinking about you,  others do nothing because they are thinking that's what you want.

I afraid you've embarked on the 5 stages of grief

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

Grief is unique to each individual and the stages come in different orders to everyone and are part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we've lost and to help us identify what we maybe feeling.

It looks like you've reached the anger stage.

Small talk at this time is all people have because they don't know how you are feeling and don't want to say the wrong thing but true friends will still be with you when you need them and will take it at your pace and will be waiting for your call when you are ready, that's what true friends do.

There is no knowing how long each stage will last or if you will experience them all or in which order all you can do is take each day as it comes and try and move on with your life but I do hope you have someone who you can confide in and talk about your feelings.

It might be of interest to you to know that Macmillans have a telephone support team and you are very welcome to give them a call on

0808 808 0000

Any day of the week between 8 am and 8 pm and you can speak to one of the friendly advisers who will listen to you and let you get things off your chest, you can talk to them about anything you want.

You are also very welcome to come back on here at anytime at have a rant or a rave or just let off steam this is a very safe place to come to and know that you will be amongst friends with many of the members will have been in the same place as you are now.

Ian

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Lou12
Posted by

Hi Louisa,

Firstly I'm sorry to hear about your recent loss of your sibling.  I know words unfortunately will do nothing to take the pain away.

I think it's normal to feel a wide range of emotions after a loss as I have found out for myself I found myself over consumed with thinking am I normal in feeling this or not feeling that in the very early stages after losing my mother. To be honest I still wonder if what I am feeling is normal but I've accepted that whatever I'm feeling it is my way of coping with my loss. I'm trying to accept the way I am grieving is right for me and not to look to far ahead.  I think it is natural to feel flat and sad, you're lost someone who you are close to.  As others have said on here be kind to yourself you have to feel what you need to feel.  Grief is completely different for everyone.

I can understand where you are coming from with friends, I've felt the same way and in fact still do.  Friends who I thought would have been there for me I haven't heard off since Christmas not even a measly text message to say thinking of you and then I think to myself should I be texting them saying sorry I haven't been in touch.  I've told myself don't expect anything from anyone and I won't be disappointed.  I can probably count on one hand who I can now class as real friends.  I had friends also send flowers through mail delivery and thought how much nicer it would have been if they had just popped into see me for five minutes, given me a hug this would have meant so much more.  I just think that as they have never been through this horrendous experience they just don't know what to say or do. 

Take Care

Louise xx

Louisa F
Posted by

I’m so sorry about your loss. My dear mum died (from cancer too) nearly 2 years ago and that absolutely knocked me for six. Your reply (& Ian’s) has helped and it is helpful to be able to say all that is annoying me...people say such crass things “so what’s happening?” It leaves me amazed! 

And appalled x 

Louisa 
Louisa F
Posted by

I’m so sorry about your loss. My dear mum died (from cancer too) nearly 2 years ago and that absolutely knocked me for six. Your reply (& Ian’s) has helped and it is helpful to be able to say all that is annoying me...people say such crass things “so what’s happening?” It leaves me amazed! 

And appalled x 

Louisa 
Lou12
Posted by

Hi Louisa

So sorry to hear you also lost your mother to this hideous, vile disease, you are obviously still coming to terms with losing your mother and to lose your sibling also I wonder how life can be so cruel.  I find this forum is a good place just to air my thoughts sometimes just writing it down and reading it back helps and to have people who understand to reply makes me think I'm not alone as what I think I am.

I still find it incredible to what people say or even sometimes don't say, people would say the most insensitive things to my mother when she was ill, she told me not to worry about what people think so I am trying my very hardest to take her good advice. As I said people just can not understand it if they have not been through it indeed myself would not have understood how soul destroying it is to see a loved one be diagnosed with cancer and die from it.  Something I'm still struggling to come to terms with even nearly five months on. Then again will I ever.

I just wanted to reply to say you are not alone, there are people here who do understand even though everyone's 'story' is different.

Take Care Louisa

xxx