Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Fear my anger

vic2373
Posted by

I lost my dad last week and I’ve been going through what I assume is the normal range of emotions. My problem is I’ve now become angry, I feel family members not only let him down during his illness but are now letting him down as we prepare to lay him to rest. I’m trying hard to curb my angry and keep the peace but it’s eating me up inside. 

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi Vic

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.

Your emotions are completely normal - everyone goes through this.  We all blame someone for not doing enough to help, not being there when needed, not showing enough caring.  The people we blame can be ourselves, family, friends of who has passed and medical staff.  This is part of the hurt that you feel because your dad has passed.  From time to time you can let your anger show but I would suggest you are careful how its done to to who.  True family and friends will understand what you are feeling and will allow you to vent your anger and frustration without it ending in a huge falling out.  Sadly but understandably medical staff will get anger vented at them a lot.  They are trained in how to deal with it but it can still be hurtful to them.

You will gradually learn that everyone did what they thought was best at the time whether they are family, medical or your dads friends.  You will start to channel your thoughts into happy memories of your dad and less of anger.  Visit one of your dads favourite places on your own, sit and talk to him quietly and let the peaceful feeling wash over you.  Your dad will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best as he can - you just need to watch for the signs such as if you are sitting in the park and a bird comes very close to you and keeps looking at you.  For now, your main priority is laying your father to rest and then you can gradually start coming to terms with your loss and letting the anger subside.  What your dad want you to do, what would he want you to feel?  Never hide your emotions because this can be harmful - true friends and family will understand and will give your comfort when you need it. 

This page explains all the emotions relating to bereavement and if you scroll down there is a link to a section on anger.

Please contact the support line on 0800 0808 000 which is open daily 9:00 – 8:00 for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

David

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