Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Mum died on 15.03.19. I can't think straight. Is this grief?

Broken-hearted24
Posted by

It just feels completely surreal. I walk into her house and call out "hello lovely" expecting her to reply. I lock the door and say "I love you, night night". She was poorly for a long time but had rallied so many times. I know she was worn out, I was there at the end, I have been there every step of the way, bloods, chemo, consultant appointments. But the end came so fast - less than a week after being admitted. 

Part of me is relived, it was exhausting and we were always in limbo, living for the day, unable to plan anything. Part of me is so guilty for being relived. Part of me is so angry at her for going - she was 71 and died younger than her Dad. It just doesn't make any sense. 

Mostly, I am just lost and so sad. I'm 43, I know I should be strong and be a grown up for my daughters. I want her to call me and tell me everything is OK. I told her when she died I would be OK. But it doesn't feel that way at all. Most days I feel like this is a bad dream, and she is playing hide and seek. How is it possible? My wonderful Mum. My rock, always, fantastic company, so clever, so caring. Where have you gone, Mum? 

Thanks for taking time to read xx 

DINAH MAY
Posted by

Oh my dear, my heart goes out to you.

You cant have loved someone as much as you have loved your mum and expect to just carry on as normal. There becomes a new normal. You are grieving and you will be for a while and it will take however long it takes.

We all become little girls again and its good to do that because we are able to relive those wonderful memories when there wasnt a care in the world. I am sending you a massive hug xxxxx

Broken-hearted24
Posted by

Thank you Dinah May xx 

Hope_29
Posted by

Bless you, it's just horrific trying to wrap your head around not hearing your Mum's voice or seeing her as you always have. No matter your age, part of you will always be your Mum's child and it is such a hard journey to put that part of you in a 'box' and find a way to carry your Mum's spirit and love with you but without her physical presence. Sorry for psychobabble explanation, but it's true.

It isn't easy, but in time you will find a way to do this and live again. Keep reaching out and talking as it does help you to feel a bit less alone in your grief. People do want to listen and help x

Archieparchie
Posted by

So sorry for your loss. Cancer sucks! Like you, I’m 43 and lost my mum at 71- 3 months ago. I’m not sure when it stops feeling surreal but there are parts of days that feel okay now for me. There are times when the good memories shine through and I can remember my mum with a smile. I guess that if at 3 months on this is possible then things might get less sore as time gets on. I think with grown up daughters it’s okay to share with them how you feel. It can help them express their grief too. I hope you reach a point when the fog of grief lifts a bit and you get memories that make you smile too. Sending good wishes x

Hevski13
Posted by

Hi, I'm sorry to read that you lost your mum recently. I lost my mum 4 years ago to ovarian cancer, she was only 65. 

I still think about her everyday and some days are worse than others. To be honest mothers day wasnt all that for me this year. I know I should appreciate my children and my amazing mother in law, but there's no substitute for your own mum

I still find myself goung to call my mum to tell her how my day went or how the kids are getting on at school. I only stop myself when I see her name and photo pop up on my contacts list.

I really want to say that it gets easier with time, but I can't. I think I've just learnt to deal with it differently.

Thinking of you x 

Broken-hearted24
Posted by

Thank you Hope29. I have been so busy doing things and going to the gym every day (which isn’t like me).

But I went back to work this week and have caught a bug that has stopped me going to the gym; and time to think means that now it seems to have hit home that I am really never going to see my wonderful Mum again. It’s nearly a month since I saw her - how can that be?

I’m so heartbroken, I feel like I can’t cry because I might never stop.

Thank you for your words about physical presence and her always being with me does help and it does make sense. I think I will have to post a bit more on here because I have been trying to avoid thinking about the fact she has gone x

Broken-hearted24
Posted by

Thank you Archieparchie. I’m sorry that you lost your Mum. My girls are only 8 and 5 so too small for me to share everything with. I feel very alone with my grief at the moment so I am very grateful to you for your reply. Xx 

Broken-hearted24
Posted by

Hi Hevski thank you for your reply. I’m sorry about your Mum too. What a crappy club we are all having to join :( 

I realised something the other day that was a little comfort (to me anyway) - that I am still my Mum’s daughter, and always will be. So I can still introduce myself as C’s Daughter no matter what. I know what’s a silly thing but it makes me proud to say it. 

My girls are so sad, I am really struggling to help them process their grief because I can’t see past my own. I have given them a book of stories my Mum wrote for them, and ordered them a cushion, and I am planning to help them make memory boxes this weekend. But the school holidays are here and we always made an effort to spend time with Mum. And now we won’t, and I feel so bad for them. 

I really appreciate you saying it gets easier with time. Tonight feels very hard xx

magictree
Posted by

Dear Broken hearted 24. This is the second time I have joined this website, the first was in 2010 when I lost my lovely mum, age 72 to lung cancer with brain secondaries.  It’s a journey I didn’t want to have to travel again. My heart breaks for you, it’s a tough journey, i remember everyone telling me at least she is at peace now, at least you’ll get a sleep now..... the reality  is I felt just like you. Losing a parent is such a terribly hard thing, my mum didn’t want to die, she never complained at all during her illness. She was and still is the best friend I ever had. My girls were 6 when she died and every year I think what would my mum make of them now. But as time has passed and they have grown up I see my mum in them a lot. It takes time and I don’t think I’m lying when I say notva day goes by when I wish she was still here, but in time, it does get easier.  Your wonderful daughters will love you no matter. Remember that. And your mum would be so very very proud of you. You are ok! Just very very sad and it’s ok to be very very sad! Huge love to you. 

Broken-hearted24
Posted by

Thank you Magictree. I’m grateful for you reply but at the same time I’m sorry you have had to join the website again. 

Much love right back at you. X