Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Lost my mum in november 2018

swatt606
Posted by

hey! ive posted before for help when my mum was alive and now that shes passed I need some help, I am 17 and I feel like im losing hope with everything my mum was my best friend I just cant cope. I just need help with some coping mechanisms or just really anything. I am so lost and confused, she had cancer for 3 months then that was it, she left... Any help would be amazing. Thankyou

Sophie xx

DaveyBo
Posted by

Hi Sophie

Welcome back to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.   What you are feeling is perfectly normal.  Your mum will always be around you and will try to comfort and guide as best she can.  You don't mention if you have any other family that you can turn to.  Do you have a real true best friend who can give you some support?  Remember that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace so don't worry if it seems to be taking longer than for other people or if you get emotional at times especially in public.  You could try a few things to help bring some comfort such as having some of your mums favourite flowers near by - houseplant, window box or garden.  Try visiting one of your mums favourite places on your own and sit quietly talking to her and allow your mum to try to make you feel peaceful.  Everyone has their own coping methods - some like to keep lots of mementos but others find this too much.  Your brain will know what is best for you and when and, this is easy to say, time will help as you learn what is best for you.

Please contact the support line on 0800 0808 000 which is open daily 9:00 – 8:00 for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Lou12
Posted by

Hi Sophie,

So sorry to hear you've lost your mother- your best friend. I wish I could take the pain away from you but of course I can't. 

I just wanted to reply as I also lost my mother who was my best friend also in November 2018. I've found a lot of support and friendly people on this forum who understand. So I've found it does helps me to post here, even if some of what I write doesn't make a lot of sense I find it just helps to pour my feelings out on here. 

I think we all have our own ways of trying to cope, whatever you do or don't do there is no right or wrong way to grieve as I am only just discovering for myself. I think losing a parent is something you somehow adjust your life around. They continue to live on through you.

Do you have family members you can talk to about your mother?

I find it also helps to keep a diary and I write in it to my mother sometimes, sounds silly I know. I try to look for little things in the day such as the sun shining or going for a walk and listening to the birds and to try and enjoy things I know my mother used to like.

I'm sorry Sophie I don't have the answers for you but please know you're not alone and people understand here.

Wishing you the very best

Take care

Louise x x

I personally take small comfort in my mother watching over me, sending me strength to carry on in her memory. X

No easy answers
Posted by

Hi Sophie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum and I wanted to send you a big virtual hug. 

I lost my mum in November too, and like you we only knew she was ill less then three months before she passed away. For the early part, all the diagnostic tests, we were going on adrenaline trying to keep upbeat and support her all we could but it all went very fast. I think there is an element of shock and trauma going through a rapid cancer journey with someone you love very much and it leaves you reeling - often it feels too hard to comprehend what has happened, how can we lose someone we love in such a short space of time?

Do you have a support network around you at the moment? Talking to friends and family to share how you're feeling helps some people, though it can be hard as well since the way you are feeling is as unique as you are. People on this forum are really lovely and supportive too, I find it a comfort.

For me at the moment I'm doing what I can to keep going through each day. I hear you when you say you're looking for coping strategies - our brains and our poor hearts are finding this so hard. I'm back at work and sometimes that helps, but sometimes it makes things harder for me - I've got much less capacity to cope with stress these days. Someone suggested to look at pillars of strength, there are some things there I found useful: https://griefworks.co.uk/pillars-of-strength  

I have a dog, and getting out for a walk or a run with her can help me feel more positive- this time of year when the days are getting longer, it can help to try and get outside in daylight as much as possible every day.  Like Lou, I've been keeping a journal too - since the funeral, I try  to write about how I think and feel about things, and what I've been doing- it's usually written to my mum as well  :) I've also used the Headspace app, working through their Grieving course. I'm a real book worm too so I've been reading a lot of books about bereavement and grief.

Everyone is different and it might take some time to find what helps you. Keeping our loved ones in our hearts and our heads is a beautiful and a very painful thing to do. Sending lots of love and a support to you and to all of us on this hard road - keep in touch if you can 

Emma xx