12 years ago at 0700 I recieved a phone call telling me that my sister had died. To this day its recorded as natural causes. My little sister was going through her third fight with cancer and yet was only 34. I was just glad no police were around on my route home that day. I selfishly drove like a lunatic and rushed back not caring how i got past traffic. Looking back now i think i was lucky not to be joining my sister with whom i shared a birthday. Cancer can be very cruel not just for those who have to suffer it devilish symptoms. Family and friends live it too. My sister beat it twice and the third finally got her. For me i was in the Army but growing up i always looked out for her. When i got this dreadful news my first thought was i joined the Army and because of that i was not there to look out for her. Now i know all of you are going to tell me i cannot protect anyone from this disease. I know that is true but even now 12 years on i sit with tears pouring down my cheeks and feeling liked i failed her. You see grief hits us and our brains don't want us to be rational. I would have given my life to save hers. That would not have helped my parents though. So why write all this it certainly was not to absolve me from my guilt, but more to show people left behind. You may irrationally feel guilt being alive. It may never go away mine has not. You live with it and learn to supress it. Recently my partner told me we were finished since my sisters death i locked my emotions away nothing bothered me. The only time i dropped these walls was on my birthday and today each year but even then it was controlled. Only once did i completely lose it the one and only time i went to her grave. Now i am losing my partner and all those emotions i locked up have come rushing out over whelming me. 12 years disolved just like that. So i will give this advice don't become cold like me with your grief. Don't lock it away talk to people let them help you become rational. My sister was the most couragious and brave person i have ever met just like any one fighting this disease.
I’m really sorry you are going through such a rough time. Cancer is evil and grief is such a complicated, uniquely painful ‘process’ which never really leaves us - I guess it’s testament to the love we have for the person who died, but that logic doesn’t really touch the pain. Please don’t beat yourself up, it’s obvious from how you write how much you love your sister and she will have known how much you cared for her. Keep talking and reaching out x
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