Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

I lost my mum 2 years May and feel so alone despite have family who love me.

Sylv68
Posted by

Hi,

I was told that even though I lost my mum nearly 2 years ago I can still get help.

Mum had two types of cancer, one in the throat and a brain tumour. I use to go round to help with washing, changing sheets, taking her shopping and just sitting with her. 

In November 2016, she started to become immobilised so we found and rented a bigger place and my partner and three kids all moved in with mum and my stepdad to help care for her, I ended up doing most of the caring as my step dad was out and about a lot, Which also included caring for my youngest daughter (even through my partner and older two helped) and also get up early to get my son to school

I lost my mum in May 2017, I was with her when she died, but she heard my stepdad tell me that I wasn't entitled to anything as there wasn't a Will and he was now her next of kin (they married 1 year before she died). She tried to speak before she took her final breathe but it was just a growl, her hand squeezed mine and then she was gone. So her last breath was hearing her daughter and three grandchildren left with nothing. 

Her house that she owned (my family I were living in it when she became worse) and my step dad changed the locks, put all our stuff in the garage and then sold the house. We didn't get a penny, the bills were left for us to pay as he told us he couldn't afford it, and as the heating and lights had been on 24/7 because mum was cold, the bill became so high, we couldn't afford to pay it and now they are chasing us for payment.

My step dad ran off with the money as there was no Will, he left us with so many debts and we had to move out of the place we shared as the rent was too much for us alone, we found a place but could only stay there for 7 months, so we had to move again last year. I love this place and I have a partner and my kids who are brilliant but I feel so lonely. 

I have been trying to keep strong for my three children and now I find myself just bursting into tears out of the blue. I feel so sad most of the time and my partner keeps telling me that we have to move on, and make a fresh start and I know he is right but I am struggling to stop myself from crying, even typing this I have to fight back the tears as my girls are in the room with me.

Everything is getting on top of me and I don't know what to do. I was told that I can still get support and I would appreciate even just having a group to talk to in my area.

I am so sorry for rambling on, but despite everyone telling me it will be okay, I can't believe it.

Thank you in advance

Sylv

Hope_29
Posted by

What an awful man - I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this on top of the death of your Mum. I’m sure your Mum got a lot of comfort out of you caring her during her illness, the rest is on your Step-Dad’s conscience, if he has one.

I don’t know if it’s an option but would seeking legal advice be an option? If your mum had no will I don’t understand why you were left with the debts and not her husband? It sounds like you are (quite rightly) angry on top of grieving for your Mum and maybe someone could advise/counsel you through this situation and maybe ask for more help with your children for the days you just need to grieve/feel. You did everything right for your Mum x

Sylv68
Posted by

Thank you for your kind words, because we moved in first we had set up all the bills in our name so we didn't have a leg to stand on. I was naïve, I didn't think he would have done this to us, boy was I wrong. 

When I was living in Portsmouth I was diagnosed as going through early menopause and the nurse who took my blood to test, was so lovely and ended up just sitting talking with me until I was ready to leave. Since the move I don't know of any groups around here, that I can join. I try to be strong but feel really weak :(  I wish I had had brothers and sisters but my dad was always ill and died at 50. So even through I have my partner and kids I still feel lonely.

My kids are amazing, all different, my son was my rock before and after, my eldest girl didn't grieve much after as she was trying to be strong for me, now if she sees me upset she hugs and we cry together. My youngest helps around the house where she can. My partner is so lovely but if I'm honest he doesn't know what to do if he sees me crying, he will hug me, but he doesn't know what else to do. x

Hope_29
Posted by

What a horrible situation that man left you in. Let yourself grieve for everything you've been through. I know it sounds trite, but your mum and dad would be so proud of you and will live on through your children. Don't be scared to grieve with your children, it's  better than hiding emotions and I think they pick up on more than we realise. Take care x