Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Dreading New Year

Sunshine19
Posted by

Hey Kate,

Completely relate to those emotions. Last few weeks, I feel so very sad. 11 months on its bloody hard. I miss that one person who got me, my bestie. I'm rebuilding a life without the most precious person, by my side and that stings. XXX

Think breavement support group seems like a good idea. I've been looking at support.  Haven't decided which route to take. Maybe at work or back through MacMillan. I have this thing. It's almost my grief has become secret, hidden grief. Like I don't want to tell those close to me, in fear of upsetting, worrying, trigging something in them. none of them know I come in here.  I cry on own my in the shower, when hubby questioned  my red blotchy face, I  blame the tea tree shampoo. (He knew thou) Then with my wider friends circle and colleagues, I think they will think what wrong with her. I think as much as people try, if it doesn't directly effect them. Grief, death, dying, cancer is uncommortable. It's something people like to avoid. 

I think as I'm burying it deeper and deeper, I need to talk about it to let it out. 

Well done with the running, must admit the gym pass is gather dust. But as the payment just gone out determind to get back on it. Xxxx

Sunshine19
GBear
Posted by

Hi , grief is indeed tricky and it comes at times we don't expert. We assume we are dealing OK but things trigger the emotions and then we don't want to admit we are upset. I hide my grief a lot , I hide it with humor so that people assume I am OK, I think I do a good job too at times. But if I was to be honest I miss my friend very much, I regret not saying googbye to him before he died I feel almost like I let him down but I wanted him to be with his family. But yes I can totally understand the fact people try to avoid talking about death and grief in general somehiw it seems a taboo subject, but its so important. Whether its just a simple case of expressing how we truly feel without anyone judgment is important and that's where some support groups and councilling comes in handy as talking to someone you don't know can be really easy to express our feelings because they don't know us and you know what its OK to express them. Have you been on the MacMillan main site and clicked on in your area there maybe support groups there some of the groups do have bereavement support too, I suppose it depends on the area. The cancer support group I go too is also the same as where I had counselling, although I haven't had formal grief counselling its good to talk to people who understand. As for the gym the dust can always be blown off when your ready.

  GBear Xxxx 

What is a Community Champion?    Womb cancer forum  

Call the helpline for free on 08088080000, 8am to 8pm everyday.

“life is like a box of chocolates, we search for the good ones first and hope not to have to eat the bad ones"

K8EH
Posted by

Hey Sunshine, 

Defo no expert and I’m only getting by by waking up and seeing how each day feels but please don’t hide it. I do get it - not many people know at my new job and in someways that’s great, I’m no longer the girl that lost her mum to cancer! But in other ways, I have to sort of ‘hide it’. I’m not ashamed and I try my hardest to really feel it when it truly hurts. Just because your 11 months in, doesn’t mean there’s an automatic switch for you to ‘get over’ your loss and starting singing ‘oh happy day’ every morning! It’s honestly not your problem if you make other people feel uncomfortable with your emotions - it says something more about them not dealing with them than you. 

I will say though, I think the gym will help. The running helps me. I was really angry the other night, so I ran much faster and just gave evils to people as I run. By the time I got home, I was exhausted and passed out BUT I felt a little better about life and smiled at people the next day again xxxx

GBear
Posted by

Hi , ah Kate the running sounds very effective for a coping mechanism. Everyone has their own and I am glad your getting the benefit too. I think its true we tend to push a bit harder as a way of coping and to push though the anger too and its great to feel better for it. And your right about there is no automatic switch for anyone to 'get over'. And I totally agree with Kate that its not your problem if people feel uncomfortable with your emotions sunshine, I think it does say something about them. Best rule of thumb take each day as it comes, if today, tomorrow or yesterday is just a bad day then it is and its OK to be upset and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable saying so. 

Sending you all a gentle hug

  GBear Xxxx 

What is a Community Champion?    Womb cancer forum  

Call the helpline for free on 08088080000, 8am to 8pm everyday.

“life is like a box of chocolates, we search for the good ones first and hope not to have to eat the bad ones"

Sunshine19
Posted by

Thank you, you lovely crew. XXX your advice means alot and helps me to see mor clearly. XXX feeling a little brighter. Just lots going on here and lost my way a bit. Thank you for being here. Xx

Sunshine19
SPu
Posted by

Hey all

Just checking in -sorry, work has been mega busy but I have been reading your posts, agreeing, empathising and sending virtual hugs and positive thoughts your way.

I’m finding it tough too. Life sucks.

Take care all. Love and hugs x

Sunny43
Posted by

Glad to see your post SPu - I had been thinking of you as I hadn’t seen any posts by you lately. It is extremely tough. Life can be beautiful, but life can suck big time too. Life can be very cruel. Love xx

No easy answers
Posted by

Hi ladies, hope you made it through your Mondays ok.

I started the day wth a short run with my dog, who made me laugh with her usual silly husky antics. Good for the soul. Short distances for me at the moment but hoping to get back to longer ones soon - much admiration for Kate there.

Sunshine, hope you are doing ok. I had a majorly bumpy one last week - one of those times when you just can't find a break in the clouds. Listening out for mum's words of wisdom to help me pick up again and carry on. They are always there if I quiet the noise and listen hard enough. She had so much wisdom to share, I know I have been really lucky for all of her support. 

Best to SPu, Sunny, GBear Lou and all - supportive hugs all round

Emma

xxx

GBear
Posted by

Well I said I would share it when its finished, so here it is

Done in watercolor

  GBear Xxxx 

What is a Community Champion?    Womb cancer forum  

Call the helpline for free on 08088080000, 8am to 8pm everyday.

“life is like a box of chocolates, we search for the good ones first and hope not to have to eat the bad ones"

Sunny43
Posted by

Another great picture GBear xx

Sunshine19
Posted by

Hey you lovely lot. Xx

The sun is finally shining in the south east. It's beautiful. XXX 

Tough couple of weeks. On top it being a year. That my mum  was through a horrendous journey. It's been very stormy. Big waves. Lots of reliving. 

My young relative who is very poorly, has had a tough couple of weeks and plus caring for an elderly relative with health problems and bad health aniexty (this is very hard my mum was always so positive, even in the toughest times. She  to faced life with a positive attitude. Looking after someone who is ok, but can't get out of their head, they are seriously ill. And tell you daily. The doctor says they are ok. And just dealing with life's little health compliants.

Its tough going.  I have to separate, this experience with my mum's and remind my self they are scared and their fear is real. It's hard thou. When all you want to shout is YOUR HERE. I won't don't worry. I love them dearly and am sad they can't see everyday, the positive need to be appreciated. As my mum would say "Life is not a dress rehearsal, it's the main act."

The one person, I would turn to would have been my mum. I know what she would say. She would say give them your love and patience. Don't get angry, they are scared. Getting old and loosing independence is soooo hard. XXX so I know even in tough times. I have her guiding me. She's always with me, she's part of me. People say first hard. This is a first a really hard couple of weeks. Just wish she was here. 

Feeling a little brighter in my self thou. My mum would want this. I just miss her,  She was my rock, my go too. She was the person who would make me think clearly. I could off load to her. Their was always unconditional love and support. XXX 

Back to Gym, now and having a spa day and massage Friday with my bestie. Never done one, so thought why not. Gotta look after yourself. Xx 

Hope you are all are ok. I hope you manage to enjoy the sunshine. Have a lovely weekend. Whatever your doing warm wishes. XXX 

Sunshine19
GBear
Posted by

Unfortunately earlier I had tech problems and my post disappeared but generally I was asking how everyone is doing, have you enjoyed some good weather, I know some had awful storms but I hope you weren't too badly effected.

I always say now my art is my safe place and I have been thinking about my friend lately and I ask him for some encouragment for my latest art project he is driving me forward with it a painting of his wife's new dog. I started art at the hospice where I attended with my friend and although he enjoyed just seating on the very comfortable chairs he kept coming up saying I am a natural, encouraging me, he also helped give me confidence to help some of the other patients in the hospice mainly in the day unit but I also brought art things and activities for the in patient ward I felt useful and I still help here and there and each time I hear my friend whispering in my ears to never give up no matter how frustrating life is. In this is a way loved ones watch over us and support us when a huge wave is trying to drown us they are there.

Sending big supportive hugs to all.

  GBear Xxxx 

What is a Community Champion?    Womb cancer forum  

Call the helpline for free on 08088080000, 8am to 8pm everyday.

“life is like a box of chocolates, we search for the good ones first and hope not to have to eat the bad ones"

No easy answers
Posted by

Hi all,

Thanks GBear for checking in. Sending my kindest thoughts to you all.

Sunshine, I really felt for you in that last post - lots going on there and none of it easy. Hope you are hanging in there at the moment.

I had my birthday last week, my first one without mum. Spent the day on my own at home and I needed the solitude: I had lots of tears to shed and I did lots of talking out loud to mum - prefer to do both in my own company! I took my dog for a nice long walk, did a bit of gardening and then I baked my cake. I mentioned before that mum was always my baking guru/goddess - she was amazing at it and she'd wanted to make me a cake this year. Anyway I tried a new recipe, and it came out so beautifully - I know she would have been very proud, and I'm pretty sure she was guiding my whisk :) Sorry I can't share a piece with you but here's a picture in lieu of the real thing:

Yum!


Also, I read something recently (in the book 'It's OK That You're Not OK') which really struck a chord, and I wanted to share with you all. It's a piece of creative writing by a someone on a course supporting bereaved people and for me it really hits on how special and powerful it can be to talk about our losses with people who have experienced loss as well:

"My heart is shattered, still. It is healing, slowly, in the ways that it can mend. It will always have holes in it, and maybe some other evidence of deep, painful loss, and it will never be the same as it was Before. It is both stronger and more fragile. More open, and still, closed off.
Our losses are different, but I recognise yours. I hear your words and feel pain because it all traces down to the same roots. I recognise your pain because I've felt my own. Our stories aren't the same and the name for our loss or our relationship might be different, but I want you to know I recognise your loss as true and real.
Above all else, I'd want you to feel your loss is validated. Accepted.
I hear you.
I bow to you"

I am really grateful to be heard by you all, thanks for sharing all the hard stuff and for being there with me in this.

Sending kind thoughts to you all. Look after yourselves

Xxx

No easy answers
Posted by

Sorry GBear I meant to say, that's so nice that you think of your friend when you're working on your art - hearing his encouragement and support still is such a nice thing. Also I'm sorry the cake photo came out so huge, I didn't mean for it to look so vast!! Lol xxx

GBear
Posted by

Wow , the cake is huge! But your Mum would definitely be very proud indeed. I hope you really enjoyed it too. The strawberries were a lovely touch to it too. Trying a new recipe is a challenge but you nailed it, I am virtually tucking in to it. I read somewhere where it says its OK to not be OK, but can't think where I read it and yes its so very true. Life nowadays has this weird notion that we should be OK in a set time scale and puts people under huge pressure that's unnecessary, we each heal in pur own time and have out own thoughts and triggers but ultimately we just have to say no I am not OK and that's OK. 

Big hugs to everyone

  GBear Xxxx 

What is a Community Champion?    Womb cancer forum  

Call the helpline for free on 08088080000, 8am to 8pm everyday.

“life is like a box of chocolates, we search for the good ones first and hope not to have to eat the bad ones"