Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Dreading New Year

Sunshine19
Posted by

Christmas was ok and we celebrated in my beautiful mum's honour and had lots of FUN. Just like she told us to and would have wanted. Of course we missed her more than words can say and we really kept her memory alive. 

Now the festives have ended and I'm back home. I literally am dreading the New Year. It's my Mums Birthday on New Years Eve too. I plan to just be in my pjs and chill with my dad and hubby. I really don't want the New Year to come. I don't want a year to start that my beautiful mum won't have lived in. I know it will come and I know I will find inner strength. If this year has taught me anything it's I'm stronger than I ever knew, I cope better than I ever knew. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced. It's werid but I know I can do this because my mum raised me and gave me all these skills. I just wish she was with me. I miss her so much, it still hurts like it was yesterday.   Xxx

Sunshine19
Lou12
Posted by

Hi Sunshine19 

Glad to hear you had a good Christmas in honour of your mother she would be proud of you all I'm sure. We were the same it was very strange but we got through the day. I missed my mother like hell but she was in everyone thoughts and it felt like she was with us. My mother would have been so pleased with us for holding it together for my children her very much loved grandchildren. As she said be happy, you will be alright. 

New Years Eve will be hard for you especially as it's your Mother's birthday two firsts in one, so very hard. I'm sure your mother will send you strength to get through it. That's what I believe is happening for us that my mother is keeping us strong it gives me some form of comfort to believe this. 

I'm also find it hard to think of a new year ahead without my Mam in it I just cannot get my head or heart around it. I struggle to breath when I think of years ahead without her. I just cannot comprehend it, it's just not fair.....I find it easier to cope and try not thinking ahead and just to concentrate on getting through a day at a time. 

Love to you and your family

Louise x x x x

Sunshine19
Posted by

Thank you Louise for your kind words. Yes we feel like my mum is with us willing us on too. She would have loved the laughter and the Chaos. Xx 

Like you I panic when I think of the year ahead. I'm dreading it. So just concentrating, on a day at a time, is a good idea. Xx  

I also feel like my perspective on life, has really changed. My world changed completley 5 months ago, when my mum died. It shook me to the core and it still has. To the outside I'm me again. But i can tell you, I paint a very good picture. Because inside is a different story.  I know people do care but equally life moves on so quickly. Of course it does. But that in itself is hard. That how quickly, we can leave a perecious  life behind. My whole outlook as changed.  All those little lifes worries do not seems  important anymore, only my family and appericating every moment. Xx  My tolerance levels are very low. People moaning and groaning I can't handle. I feel like live is for living not moaning. 

The New Year will come and I will find my inner strength once again. Xx Just miss her so much. Guess we fill this way as we had amazing Mums. Ans for that im truley greatful xXx 

Sunshine19
K8EH
Posted by

Dear Sunshine19, 

I just wanted to drop a message on here to say I truly understand some of the things you mentioned above. My mum passed away in October after a very quick battle with Ovarian cancer and the days after the funeral have been a struggle. I too feel the same about New Years - a new fresh year with all kinds of possibilities but a year filled without my mum in it. Never seeing her again. 

I was also nodding along to some of the things you were saying about the small things being irrelevant and the things that used to bother you don’t. The saying ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ has never been so relevant, especially when people at work worry about the most trivial things. 

I posted a sort of letter on my profile. Have a look and see if any of it resonates with you. It talks about grief coming in waves. Some days you’re bobbling a long and other days, a huge gigantic wave takes you down and you try to grab onto something to keep floating. This really hits home with me - this is grief for me.

I started to see a counsellor in November and she really does help - (should anyone be considering it.) Sadly my approach to dealing with my mums death was setting a deadline for when I’d feel better again or manically signing up to marathons or plane jumps. None of that helps right now - I was simply running away from the emotions and pain I felt/ feel. 

I justed wanted to say - I take each day as it comes. Some days I just try and get through and go to bed early hoping for a brighter day. If you feel low over the next few days or weeks, be kind to yourself. Have a cry, reflect and really feel the pain and sadness - it hurts like nothing else but this is you taking one step closer to processing what happened and then to eventually accepting later down the line. 

You’re still not alone in any of this - we all feel something similar. Be kind to yourself, keep talking, get rest and one day we will be able to smile when we think of our mums xxxxx

Lou12
Posted by

Totally understand where you are coming from. I find it hard now to relate to people now who have not lost a parent as they simply do not understand, they try but they just cannot imagine how can they. I find it so very hard now when I see daughters with their mothers and especially grandmothers with their grandchildren. I cannot stand to listen to people moan about trivial things. 

Life has indeed changed dramatically and I find that hard to stomach, but if this has taught me anything it is to not take life for granted, things can change in a second as it sadly has done. 

I think it will be something that you can never get over how can you, but in time (so I've been told) you will learn to live with it. You are right we are truly blessed to have had such amazing, lovely mothers and I feel so lucky to have had 37 years with my mother. Just wish I could have had longer. 

Take care

X x x x

K8EH
Posted by

I feel the same Lou12 - I was lucky enough to have 33 years with my mum but my niece had just 3 years. She could have taught her so much as she understood children so very well - she had a gift (she was also a head teacher) 

I think you’re also right when you say that things have changed for ever - I sometimes don’t recognise days and times spent without her. That new normal people talk about. I hope one day I can learn to live with it and can continue on, making her proud. That’s all she ever wanted, for me to happy, so I will try - for her. 

Lots of love xx

Lou12
Posted by

Hi K8EH

My two children are young also not as young as your little niece. I'm sure you will tell her all about your mother and how special she was. I so, so wish my mother could have seen them grow more but I know I am more than lucky that my children knew her and how much she loved them and I will always remind them of that love she had for them utterly priceless.

That's what my mother wanted for us too, just to be happy and in time you will be alright without me she told us that just before she passed. So like you I will try to do this for my mother too.

This is what will keep us strong remembering how brave our mothers were and how much love they had for us.

Love to you too K8EH x x x x

Sunshine19
Posted by

Thank you for your lovely reply. My mum use to say that all the time. Don't sweat the small stuff. Its so trueXx its been a tough day today. Im exhausted, im gonna take your advice, & look after my self. Nice hot bath and an early night for me. Xx 

Sunshine19
Sunshine19
Posted by

Aww Lou, 

Totally relate to all you said. It so hard isn't. I agreed I had 38yrs of unconditional love. No love like a mothers love. It's different from any other love. I'm missing that. You know a mum look or a hug and you feel everything would be ok. I think sometimes she knew me, better than I knew myself. She would tell me straight . I miss that honesty. 

Sending you warm wishes. 

Thank you for replying xxx

Sunshine19
K8EH
Posted by

Sounds like a great plan. Xx

Something I didn’t realise with grief (until my counsellor told me and I googled the NHS website) with grief can come lots of aches and pains that you’ve never had before. So I’ve invested in lots of relaxing bath salts and tried to get as many early night sleeps as I can - this is just us coping, so you’re doing the right thing. 

I hope you can find some strength to get through tomorrow and the next years day - if there’s a strong wave, cling on and things will become calmer again. 

Lots of love xxx

Sunshine19
Posted by

This what gives me strength, how strong, positive and determined, my beautiful mum was. The night before she died, she told us to look after each other and have lots of FUN. Xx Even on the hardest days. I keep this in my heart and draw strength from her wishes. xxx 

Sunshine19
K8EH
Posted by

How is it our mums were still so strong and positive, even in their darkest of hours.

I asked my mum a week before she died, how I would continue without her and her answer ‘you will, I know you’ 

Remarkable women! And the best part, they gave us these qualities too. (I just need to dig deeper to find them) xx

Lou12
Posted by

My mother said a similar things to us you will get through this. I'm so grateful now we had a chance to have these talks so I can also draw strength from them when I'm struggling. Missing her so much now....

Remarkable, strong and brave ladies, brave beyond imagination.

Take care both hope you have a restful night sleep x x x

Sunshine19
Posted by

What amazing ladies, strong and the best mothers to the end. Even thou i dont feel very lucky at the moment. I know i am to have had a beautiful amzing mother. Like wise i will dig deep and find the strength in all she taught me. Thank you ladies. Its so good to talk and share with people, who sadly understand. Hugs and the warmest wishes to you both. Xxx 

Sunshine19
K8EH
Posted by

.....and thank you to you both. Part of the struggle is no one else gets it. It’s like it’s not happened to anyone at work or around me (which is a good thing) and no friends around me know what to say. People just look at me awkwardly like I’m some exhibit at a museum.  I know we’re all on a different journey but it seems you both understand the sheer sadness and that ache of missing someone so much - today I feel it. 

Sending you lots of love and hugs - totally here if any support is needed xxxx