Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Bang!! Floored Again

Sunshine19
Posted by

My beautiful mum died 16 weeks ago. Your see from my other posts /replies ive been  trying super hard to live and build the life, She would want for me. Keeoing positive. Working and making plans for Christmas.  I thought I was doing so well. But tbh, actually I think I was ignoring I'm struggling. Last night proved that. 

I think initially I was so very open with friends/ family and was seeing a Macmillian Support (I haven't been for a while, I felt I was taking up valuable resources, I have emailed for an appointment) because I was feeling stronger and more in control of my emotions. Do the outside even those closes to me, I think im putting on a good front. But today. I'm crumbling in side. 

If im honest, ever day has been a  struggle for a few weeks. I over think so much. Last night - all night. I lay in bed going over and over in my head. Her diagnose, treatment, last days, death, funeral. My childhood (it was amazing) Conversation we had. Its like on repeat. It is exhausting me. 

Today I literally feel floored. I can't explain, this longing I have, its like a continuous ache. I feel trapped. 

I am lucky I have lots of people who love and care for me. But don't want to be a drama queen and make it about me again. I'm so angry that I've come this far and bang. Hit me again. 

Sorry for the waffle. Just wondered if anyone else has ever felt like this?

It's like 10 steps forward and 10 steps back. I started to get lovely happy memories back, I was being so positive and now these thoughts are over whelming me and drowning me again.  Xx

No easy answers
Posted by

Hello Sunshine, I just wanted to send love and hugs and let you know someone was reading your post and thinking of you.

It's less than two weeks since I lost my beloved mum - her funeral is Monday - so I haven't yet trodden the road you've been travelling, and I don't know how it will be for me. It's still unreal at the moment to think of Mum in memory rather than see her in person.

You sound incredible and you've done so much to try and help you through so far, you should be really proud. I've been trying to connect with others who are experiencing grieving for a beloved parent, and started reading some books on grief, to try and understand what is happening in my heart and head. All I can say so far is that they all tell you there's no right or wrong; that grief keeps no schedule; and to be kind to yourself at all times. You have probably heard all of this as well I'm sure. 

I'm so happy to read you have love and support around you and hope you can draw on it today. Take good care and keep posting, this space seems to offer a genuine community of care for us at our darkest times xxx

K8EH
Posted by

Dear SunShine19,

I had to write to you as I was agreeing with a lot of what you had said. 

My mum passed away 5 weeks ago now - 12th October. I too have mentioned in a few other posts the short battle my mum had with ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed only on the 5th September, so she was snatched from us far too soon.

There's this strange thing I learnt from a grief book I am reading. When someone you love has cancer, you start to grieve. You grieve for the person so poorly, who you know you are losing. You don't want to see them in this way but you can't face them going either. Then, the time you have to say goodbye is when you start your grieving all over again. They have gone now - they are not suffering but now it is you that is suffering.

I started some counselling 2 weeks ago. It's too early to say how it is going but I've found myself in the sessions, just relaying the facts, having a great chat. It's only when I get out, that it hits me. Tuesday morning after my second session, I couldn't move. The session had floored me and my body was aching from head to toe - like I had flu. I then tried to get into work on Wednesday and found myself having to control a panic attack and brush away tears the moment I made it to the office. Everything you feel and I feel is 'normal' grief isn't just about feeling sad, it's not just emotional, it's also physical. I've found myself walking around with deep heat back patches and running hot baths to try to control it. Your aches are simply your body trying to cope with the utter shock of what has happened.

I just wanted to touch on the drama queen aspect. I had to remind people this week that things are not back to normal for me. Grief doesn't go away after a few weeks - you don't heal! You learn to cope and process that the person you loved dearly, is no longer physically by your side. I do believe though, my mum is still with me and I hope you feel the same. I brought a heart shaped leaf in on my shoe on Wednesday and felt it was somehow a message from my mum. Call me crazy but I still feel she's around, guiding me. For every big event that's happened - her death, her funeral, a really hard day for me, my dad and elder sister and the weekend we had to clear her things away, was a rainbow. A coincidence? That is her.

What I'm trying to say is, there is no time period for dealing with this grief. There is not one fits all method to coming to terms with a major loss. I've read books, seeing a counselor, spoken to Macmillan, looked into fundraising for ovarian cancer, started trying to get into running. One thing I can say, is every time it hurts, let it - this is you processing it. and above all, remember that your mum would want you to continue LIVING your life whilst keeping her memory alive. Don't forget, she's in you.

Kate xx

Sunshine19
Posted by

Thank you for your kind words. Sorry for your lost. Thoughts are with you Monday and the coming weeksX 

Yes being kind to yourself is so important. ( I do forget this some times) This weekend I've tried hard to do this. Lots of family time (with my amazinh crew) and resting. Just what my beautiful mum would want. Xx 

Sunshine19
Posted by

Awww Kate,

Thank you. The most beautiful words. Xx I too believe my mum is with me and will always will be. After all I'm me, because of her. X Even thou i don't feel very lucky at the moment. I know I am lucky to have had the love and support of an amazing Mum. Many people are not bless with this. I will always be thankful she was mine. Xx

I think it's hard, people presume your better now, over it. I'll never be over losing my mum. But like you said I will give all I've got to live a life, She would be proud of. 

I had a better day today and enjoyed time with my family. We went to a place she took us, when we were little. 

Thanks once again. 

Xx

K8EH
Posted by

Really, anytime. We may be on a slightly different journey but grief is grief - and we can all understand at different stages.

Xxx

GBear
Posted by

Hello  and 

I think sometimes we feel we should be moving forward and cant understand why we are still grieving. As time passes it may get easier but we never, ever forget the bond we had with the departed. If someone was loved so much when they were alive this life travels with ourloved ones and their spirit stays with us, to protect and guide us. I think they will always be in our hearts. Today I looked back at the painting i did for my friend and I realised how i missed him, but i feel traumatised that he was never able to give me the letter that he wanted to put with the painting for his wife. After he asked me i never saw him again, then I thought perhaps he posted the letter to me, well either its lost in the post or he simply never finished it. I was sad by this partly because i feel i couldn’t fully for fill his request, but I also know he be telling me not to be silly and that my love is more important tgen words can ever be.  Grief is grief it can come and go but it’s important we reach out for support. With my friends death and finding out i have a few serious health problems it messes with my head, I usually can cope during the day with distraction but at night it’s completely different. So I spoke to my consellor about going back into conselling again because I feel i need it, its great to talk about things that they understand and it helps to settle our minds too. Having that support just keeps our grief and trauma at bay and stop it completely ruling us and making each day so much harder. I think we owe it to our loved ones to move forward with our lifes but it doesn’t have to be goodbye with our thoughts. 

  GBear Xxxx 

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Sunshine19
Posted by

Thank You GBear, such wise words. I am too am going to revisit support. It gives me a safe space to let all my thoughts and emotions out. I think the last few weeks, they have all been building inside. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm very good at saying "I'm ok" I think this is to protect those closes to me nd even to protect myself. i don't want them worrying and they are all on their own incredibly hard journey of grief. Facing how I feel and letting it out defiently helps. 

Best Wishes to you. 

K8EH
Posted by

GBear, you’re in an inspiration to us all. Every message you’ve sent has positivity shining through. The fact that you are grieving but also battling yourself - you’re remarkable and we could all learn a thing or two from you. 

Much love xx

Butterfly64
Posted by

Dear Sunshine19

I was reading your post and felt comforted that someone feels the same as me. I lost my dad 4 years ago to cancer and a few months later mum got diagnosed. She passed away in July this year, just a day before dads anniversary. I arranged the funeral and just kept going. Until recently, when I’ve slowly started to struggle more and more. I lost my dog to cancer in April and I feel like I’m suddenly grieving for Dad, my dog, and mum all at once.

I’ve been going to work, get sent home or just can’t face going in at all, like today. I had a panic attack yesterday. This is all just not me, and I used exactly your phrase, ‘drama queen’ last week when talking about how I’m feeling, yet again. I feel like people are or should fed up with me. I don’t know when it’s going to feel better. 

I’m having counselling, which is helpful to reassure me that what I’m feeling is ‘normal’ but I just want to get back to my ‘normal’. I feel anxious quite a lot and struggle to take a full breath. I often have images of my mum when she was dying. I remember her telling me she loved me, something my family have never been good at. I’m so pleased I had the chance to tell her I love her too.

I’m sorry, I’ve hi-jacked your post with my story. I just wanted to say, I can sort of relate.

Weeble13
Posted by

Sunshine19 & butterfly 64 so glad I've found your comments today, I lost my dad back in march and like you I feel like it's 10 steps forward 10 steps back, I also was feeling much more optimistic a couple of weeks ago, could even listen to my dad's favourite songs with a smile on my face, but the past couple of weeks I've been an emotional wreck so it's comforting to know I'm not going crazy it's all part of the grieving process even if sometimes I've no idea what I'm so angry/sad about. Sorry I can't offer any words of wisdom it's just comfort to know we aren't alone. 

Sunshine19
Posted by

Thank you butterfly 64 and Weeble13 for your comments. That's why I like this forum, greif can be scary and unsettling but reading other journeys, (even thou very personal and different for all). Shows what, im experincing is completley normal) It's such a rollcoaster, isn't it, this grief lark. I am learning to ride it and hang on tight xx. I had a panic last week and honestly just took my self of grid for a couple of days (basically had a duvet weekend) cancelled all plans and just had me time. I did feel guilty but I know I have to do this to gather myself. This is hard going. But know I will build a life my mum would want and be proud of. So small steps each day. X 

Best Wishes to you both. X