Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Feeling numb after losing both parents in less than a year.

Lottie80
Posted by

Hello all, I’m new on here but thought it may be a good place to communicate to others who have been through similar experiences and who understand what it’s like. I lost my wonderful mum to melanoma on 4th July this year after an awful 8 month battle with this illness. I also lost my lovely dad last August to lung cancer after a very long 4 year fight. As Dad had been ill for a lot longer and his deterioration was a lot more gradual, I feel I had more time to come to terms with it. However with Mum, she suddenly got ill last December, only 4 months after Dad passed away. They found she had a bleed in her brain which later they discovered was due to a secondary melanoma tumour. Her illness was horrendous, the swelling in her brain caused her to become permanently blind and deaf in one ear, so you could imagine how difficult it was trying to communicate! She was so depressed but continued to fight so hard even until the end she wouldn’t let go, Mum wasn’t ready to die. Leaving behind 4 grown up children and 5 beautiful grandchildren. She and us have missed out on so much time together, she had so many plans after Dad had died to go on lovely family holidays etc.

I feel like I can’t fully comprehend what’s happened in this last year, me and my sibling are all in our 30’s and with young children. Now we have no parents and our kids, no grandparents on our side. I have felt quite numb for weeks, l keep worrying it’s all going to hit me   really badly and I won’t know how to deal with it. I also feel like I was grieving for Mum in the months leading up to her passing as ultimately knew we were going to lose her. I have 4-year old twin daughters and although it’s so hard having them to look after with all this going on, I also feel like they’ve kept my head above the water as I’ve had to keep going for them. 

Has anyone also lost both their parents in a short space of time and how did you cope with getting used to life without them? 

Thanks in advance x x 

src60
Posted by

Well not to cancer but I lost my dad after a very long illness and my mum just 5 weeks later, turned out she did have lung cancer but it was not what killed her. Mum had been blind for quite some time.

It was very hard for me at the time though the funerals were a real positive in terms of being a celebration of their life. Mostly of course just had to get on with a normal life though substituted talking to mum every Saturday on the phone to talking with my elder sister - she had been essentially the main carer for mum and dad anyway.

Every now and again things come up that remind me of mum and dad though after 5 years they are less likely to make me cry.

We just did a holiday up to Glasgow partially in memory of my dad and met two aunts and two uncles who I had not seen in 50 years.

I still sometimes think of mum and dad and how proud they are of what I have achieved, 

There is no right of wrong in grief, if you feel somehow you are stuck it might help to talk to someone, cruse and the loss foundation are both expert in helping when your are ready.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Baz26
Posted by

Hello Lottie. I lost both my parents, one to cancer/one in an accident, within a few months of each other and it is hard. I think your comment about having no grandparents for your own children sums up one of the worst parts. I tried to keep the grandparents in the children's memories by talking lots about them, especially their funny ways, and this in turn helped me too. I had no siblings myself and wished I'd had someone with whom to share my grief, so I think it might be a good idea to carry on the communication with yours so that you don't feel alone. It is a big shock to lose both parents in a short space of time and I know exactly how numb you feel.

Angelfish
Posted by

Hello Lottie80 so sorry for your sad loss. I lost both my parents, neither due to cancer, within 2 months of each other and a sister-in-law from cancer 2 months after that. We also lost an uncle between my parents dying thus losing 4 members of the family within 5 months.  It is hard to come to terms with and difficult to comprehend because as you get over one loss another one occurs. It was particularly hard for my elder brother who, as he said, became an orphan and widower with 5 months. So you can imagine why we all ‘held our breath’ 2 months later when my husband had an aortic aneurysm operated on which he survived. The only advice I can give is to take each day as it comes - it does get easier but, even 11 years later, I still have moments of ‘contemplation’. xxx

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain”