Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

First Christmas without Mum

say1186
Posted by

Hi All I was just wondering if anyone had an advice on coping with the first Christmas without a loved one. My mum passed away in August and is still very raw for myself, Dad and sister. I think I’m hosting Christmas this year for the first time as we thought it might be too difficult at my parents house. 

I guess it’s going to be hard anyway I just wanted to know if anyone had some suggestions on how to remember my mum at Christmas without everyone being in tears all day.

Thanks x

Khaleesi1985
Posted by

Hi,

I’m sorry for your loss, my mum passed away last year and we had our first Christmas without her last year. 


I wish I could offer you some advice on how to make this time of year better but I’m afraid I can’t. Christmas was always my mum, Dad, myself and my sister round at our parents house.


Last year we had Christmas dinner at my house as having it at mums just felt too difficult. It was  sad and quiet but we did gifts and watched tv as usual, but to be honest I was glad when it was all over. In my experience it was just one of those things to get out of the way, it was difficult to get into the Christmas spirit as we were missing such a special person. 


Sorry I can’t offer any advice xxx

Angela666
Posted by

It's our 1st Christmas without Dad he passed in October, we always go my brothers for a huge family lunch all together.  I don't wanna go this time and I think I'm using every reason under the sun to get out of it because I don't want to celebrate, eat and be merry .  It's not fair so I'm going to be at home with my sons and just wish the day away.  My dad would be cross with me I know but it's how I feel 

Janie1988
Posted by

Hi my dad passed away in september 10 weeks after my eldest daughter got married and a week before my youngest daughter got married! It has been a very difficult time for us all as it is for everyone.christmas seems like a difficult thought but I know my dad would want us all to be together and share our memories and have a lovey day prob filled with tears and laughter. My daughters baby is due on 18th Dec and this is something we are all focusing on . We want him to be proud of us and getting together at Christmas will help . Everyone is different but for us we will miss him like mad there will definitely be a special person missing but he will be included and remembered . I wish you well and do whatever is right for you ! Xx

say1186
Posted by

Thank you all for your replies and I’m sorry to read your stories. Christmas is just such a family orientated time, mine feels incomplete now. 

It’s my sons first Christmas so I’m trying to focus on that and that will bring my family some joy. My mum loved Christmas and would want us to have a nice day. She was so looking forward to spending her first Christmas with her first grandchild.


Xx

Hswainone
Posted by

Hey Say1186,

Me too. My mum passed this  September and was diagnosed end of June with terminal Pancreatic cancer from nowhere. I know how you feel so devastated. Mum was my life. Like yours mum loved Christmas i cant imagine it without her. We are just going to try and be strong ( easier said than done i would rather sleep it away) mum like yours too would want this so try ans focus on your little boy. Its the only way i think. Me and my sister are going to put mums tree up this weekend with my 3 year old niece. Heartbreaking but we have bought special baubles to put on to make it special. My mum would want it to look nice.

Love to you and everyone else on here xxxx

Tigger462
Posted by

I lost my mum in March so another 1st christmasser here. I'm going to my best friends house as it's something mum would never have done so won't feel too brute. I'll see my grandparents in the morning and they're going to my aunties but I can't face it. We are gonna go for dinner a week or so later somewhere instead.

"Fortunately" the past few years (bar last Xmas) me or mum always worked so would just do presents together and have snacks in the eve so getting out i hope will do me good. Don't wanna open presents alone tho and upsets me not being able to see her face when she opens mine. 


I'm keeping focused for boxing day.... always go shopping in the morn on my own so just gonna try get Xmas done quickly as possible! Love to you all xx

DINAH MAY
Posted by

This will be my first Christmas without my mum too and so I havent got any great ideas for you, but I will be getting a bauble for the tree, our local hospice that helped my mum are organising an event to remember loved ones by placing a star on a tree, it might be worth looking into this if your mum used a hospice they maybe doing something simular.

I lost my mum on the 28th December last Christmas, mum slept most of Christmas day so I have no good memories of Christmas last year and like so many mums my mum loved Christmas too.

I know that this will not help you now, but it does get easier, it as taken me until now to realise that mum as gone and shes not coming back, but I have beautiful memories of my mum and I have so much of my mum in me, sometimes I hear myself and smile because I am using my mums words and expressions.

Sending you a big hug Xxx

dawden
Posted by

I would welcome any advice myself, I lost mum in March this year and this is the first Christmas without her, I would be happy to get on a plane and come back when it is done, but I have to think of dad who is now 81 and alone, I am forcing both of us to have Christmas lunch out and surround ourselves with people, although that is the last thing I want to do, I feel we should at least try as mum would have hated us moping.

Ive bought a special Christmas decoration although we wont be putting up decorations as we don't feel like it.  I am thinking of going to midnight mass as well, its difficult as I feel I want to do something physical to mark Christmas for mum, although I know she is watching over us, her ashes are at dads so we don't have a grave etc to visit to lay flowers. I just feel I have to tread carefully so as not to upset dad.

I really wish all those that are going to experience their 'first' that it wont be as horrendous as we all think.

Sanding you all love and hugs x

Elenium
Posted by

My mum passed away in February, so this will be my first Christmas without her.  I have zero Christmas spirit.  Last year we spent the day with mum in the nursing home she had to go into, because she broke her wrist just before Christmas.  She was completely out of it and spent most of the day asleep.  The year before she had gone into hospital to have a camera in her bladder to see what was happeining and ended up getting food poisoning and they didn't let her out of hospital until Christmas day. 

I've spent every single Christmas day with my mum.  My sister and her husband are with us alternate Christmas and Boxing day.  My other sister and brothers usually come on Christmas eve or Boxing day. This year my family and I are going to my sisters.  It'll be the first time she's had Christmas in her house. She moved when mum was ill so there are no memories of her there.  We  have decided to keep to the traditions that we've always followed, that mum started with us.  I have no doubt that it will be very hard but I know that we have to get used to our new normal.

We've had a crappy year with mum passing, MIL very ill, FIL passing and husband having a health scare.  I really want this year to be over. 

I realise that I've actually not given any advice on how to deal with the first Christmas without our loved ones.  We'll all deal with it diffrently, in our own way.  But we will deal with it and we will survive it because that is what our loved ones would want.

X

DINAH MAY
Posted by

I popped into tk maxx today, went to the christmas section and found 2 small boxes of crystal/glass angels for the tree, I could hear my mums voice in my head getting so excited, saying aww we'll have them. Every year mum would buy crystal/glass ornaments for the tree, she had loads of them and loved them. I made a quick exit to the car, sat there and cried my eyes out. Who am I kidding it does'nt get easier, life as changed forever, you just have to keep it together for the loved ones around us and to keep our sanity. Xxxxx

Love to you all.

Poppy2016
Posted by

This is my first Christmas without my mum too, she died in February.  I know I’ll get through this Christmas, but then again, I have no choice.  I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when it’s all over, but I can’t.  I have 3 young kids so Christmas has to be special for them.  I have my sister and her family and my dad round here for Christmas Day.  I just feel the day is going to be so tiring, trying to keep on a face for everyone. This time last year, my mum wasn’t even sick.  We were heading out pickIng up bits and pieces from the shops.  I just wish this wasn’t so unbelievably hard.  Sometimes, I feel the only rest I get is when I’m sleeping.  Christmas is or should I say was my favourite time of year, but it’s meaningless less.  The hole in my heart and my life is as big now as it was in February. I can’t ever imagine not being on so much pain over this.  I wish I could give some positive advice about Christmas and how to get through it but I just think it’s going to be awful, and then 6 weeks later I’ve my mum’s anniversary.  It’s hard that we’re all in the same boat...I wish we weren’t  

Gilly62
Posted by

Hi lovelies

It’s heartbreaking reading all your posts . My Mum passed 24th Sep this year, so my first too. Last year we had a laugh when Mum stood up from the Christmas table and her skirt fell to the floor. Little did we know the devastation that lay ahead in 2017. I really just wanted to go out for a curry but my hubby didn’t want to do this , we always have dinner for 14 at our s . So I’ve just gone into auto pilot ordered all the food etc. I don’t know how I ll do on the day. If I’m feeling tearful I ll just be taking myself up to my bedroom . My Mum loved Christmas and the way I’d have the table set. Ohhh I ve just gotten tearful even thinking of this. It’s really difficult time for us all . I wouldn’t say comfort was the correct word I’m looking for but knowing I’m not the only one going through this on 25 th Dec....

We’ ll have all our lovely memories of Christmases past when our Mum s and Dad s were here with us. I’ll just try focus on the laughs and good times . 

Gilly xx

me again
Posted by

Another first here as Dad passed away in September .We thought he had his last Christmas with us two ago. But were lucky enough to have another.Mum was always MRS Christmas and Dad a bit bah humbug like me ha ha.I suffer with anxiety so find this time of year difficult.I have no idea how it will be as I'm due to work!! Love to all on here let's hope we can get through the next few weeks.xx

HartleyP
Posted by

How to survive the first Christmas....I guess that we are all asking ourselves at the moment. It will probably be the most difficult day so far. My daughter said all she wanted for Christmas is for me not to cry, which just made me cry again.

I'm so desperately trying to make Christmas special for my husband and children. My dad and sister are coming to stay too, and if I'm being very honest, I absolutely dreading it all.

How am I going to get through it? I absolutely have no idea. But I promised my mum, when she was first diagnosed, that I'd host Christmas. It was important to her, and I promised that I'd be the "mum" to the family....

So I'm going to have a Bacardi and coke (mum's favourite) on Christmas Eve. And on Christmas Day, I'm going to play a Cliff Richard Christmas song and have a little toast. And like many others, I'll have an angel on my tree. I miss my mum every single day, I'll just miss her a whole lot more on Christmas Day.

x x x