Bereaved family and friends

For anyone who has lost a family member or friend to cancer to share their feelings and support one another.

Don't know what to do

Newshound
Posted by

I lost my partner unexpectedly nine weeks ago. Neighbours said all the right things at the time, but now I am left on my own with no friends or family to speak of. Promised counselling never materialised and I just don't know what to do. I work from home and I can go days without speaking to anyone.

Mysheila
Posted by

Hello. I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. My wonderful sister in law lost her brave fight last September. Miss her every day. Even though i have people around me i still can feel very alone too. If you were offered counselling and it has'nt materialised chase it up. Over the past year i have been reading posts on here but never replied. But, having read the posts, you can always manage to talk to someone. As you work from home, maybe make a point of getting out of the house, even to go for a coffee. Not sure if my reply will be of any help, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Sending you a hug x

Daffodil72
Posted by

I find even if you are in a room full of people you can still feel lonely. Like you it's early days for me - approaching six weeks.

Have you tried to get in touch with the counsellor to arrange an appointment.I know when I was trying to arrange counselling for my children I had to keep chasing it up.

Use this forum for support, there's always someone to offer words of encouragement when needed.

Take it one day at a time, take care x

Kat21
Posted by

That is so true when you say you can be in a room of people and still feel lonely 

Kat21

Newshound
Posted by

Thank you for your comments and I am sorry for your loss. There is a six month waiting list for counselling in this area.

Newshound
Posted by

Thank you.

Londonfornow
Posted by

Sorry to hear of your loss, you say you work from home, if you are an employee (rather than self employed) your employer may run an employee assistance scheme that includes a counselling service, worth looking into via HR or the intranet

DINAH MAY
Posted by

I should imagine that if you lost your partner unexpectedly, then shock must be a big part of the grieving process for you, I know that it was for me and talking about it...well that's all part of the process too.

I think that 2 things are important for you now, someone to talk to about how you are feeling and making friends going forward so that you have people around you socially so that you are not alone. 

As everyone as said, chase up the counselling. Go onto google and see if there are any bereavement groups in your area too. 

If you feel like talking then drop a few words down on here, you have friends on this site even if you haven't met them and you can say anything on here, pour your heart out, rant....anything X

Going forward it will be good for you to make new friends, you could use social media, like facebook if you have lost touch with people over the years and you would like to get back in touch with them. I did this, I recently met up with a friend that I hadn't spoke to for about 25 years we met for a coffee and it felt like no time had lapsed at all. 

Wishing you love and luck. I am holding your hand, give it a squeeze.

Veganwifemum
Posted by

That's quite a number of things to pull you down, but they all have a common denominator which is isolation.

Shock and bereavement can isolate us because of the impact and level of loss, even when others are around.

Working from home particularly alone can cut us off in far more ways than are generally recognised.

Neighbours and the like may have a limited knowledge of your situation, experience and feel inadequate.

Counselling which was offered but didn't materialise will have added to the isolation.

Losing touch with friends and family over the years is very common for many reasons and rarely intentional.

Although there are things you cannot alter because time needs to pass at your own speed for adjustment to happen,

there are some things you can do as and when you are ready.

Recognise that your feelings are perfectly normal under the circumstances. (Not everyone does.)

That it's very early days indeed on your new journey which you had no choice in.

You can call the support number to talk generally about how you're feeling, about something specific

or even to ask them to find out why nobody kept in contact after you were offered counselling.

Consider being open with your neighbours who may have no idea what's going on.

After all, they cared enough to say the right things initially and could be wrongly assuming you'd prefer to be left in peace.

Perhaps you could invite one or more in for a cuppa?

Maybe, as suggested by someone else, you might consider writing to or telephoning an old friend or relative?

Neither of the above have to be anything heavy with emotion, explanation or obligation; just reaching out to see what happens.

There's a lot of love on here, so keep coming back whether you feel up, down, frustrated or anything else.

Feel the love and stay with us xx

jonathans mum
Posted by

I am so sorry to read your post, it is a hard road to walk.  Have you contacted either Clan or a Maggies Centre?  They have people that you can talk to, I have been to both and they are very kind and take time to listen to you.  I hope that you find some comfort.  I have a loving husband, two lovely daughters and lots of friends but since my son died I feel very alone and I know my family are suffering too but it is a very personal  journey when this terrible thing happens.  love lesliexx

Anthony1965
Posted by

Nothing can be said that will change the way you feel about the loss of someone so close.  Accepting the grief may make it easy to deal with but it is normal to feel sad.  Isolation gives you too much time to think and whilst grieving is good getting down and depressed is not.  The only way you can move on with your own life is by getting out there and mixing with people where you do things together, not just where lots of people are. Cinema clubs, theatre clubs, ramblers, modern dance clubs etc are all out there.  Maybe volunteering would help as you would be doing something fulfilling and meet people.  I suspect that you are worried that the sole topic of conversation will be you loss and that this will make the time with others difficult.  In my experience people are sympathetic and comforting and you can choose to talk about it or not but feel safe that you can if it helps.  Start out maybe once a week or at lunch time.

In terms of work time maybe go somewhere where others work too.  I am not sure what you do but if you use a laptop to work you can work from anywhere.  

Key thing to remember is you are in control of your own destiny, whatever someone says and whoever you talk to only you can decide to live your life and make new memories.  I would imagine that is what your partner would want for you.

Small steps a day at a time and you will find a way through this.  Good luck.

alice111
Posted by

There is a group called Bereavementuk.co.uk  that I have found to be very supportive. Many people are in a similar position to you and I think they may really help with your feelings of isolation . It's such early day's for you and so heartbreaking. I'm like you in so much as I don't have a large family or lots of friends ..I'm sending you my love and best wishes x