Emotional Overload

Sorry if I sound like I'm wallowing in self pity but I'm not sure how much more I can take at the moment and I dont know where else I can open up and express how I  feel. I so need a hug from my beloved husband....I miss him ♡

The four months since losing my husband after several months of horrendous suffering have been some of the worst EVER.  I had no support throughout his illness and suffice to say it was slow, painful and bloody in the true sense of the word.

I've had no support, my family live away, my GP isn't even aware my husband passed away as I can't get to speak to anyone and the counselling service from the local hospice hasn't bothered to ring even though they said they would.

I'm struggling to cope with day to day practicalities....

Then today... I learn my brother has Covid and my sister who lives abroad is in hospital dying.

 I want to scream but I have to pretend I'm coping and doing okay. 

  • Hi Pooka,

    I feel same as you. Since my husband was diagnosed as incurable xmas Eve 2019 my life has felt like a living nightmare. I can’t ever see a future with any happiness since he passed away 7 weeks ago.

    But, I am not pretending to cope. I am reaching out wherever I need to for help. You should do the same. I am sorry that you have not heard from your GP or local hospice but just try and call them. Reach out, don’t wait for them to contact you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and be honest and admit that you’re not coping. People want to help.

    I am so sorry about your brother and sister, there is nothing I can say that will make that situation better. My own sister in law lives abroad and was never able to come visit my husband (her brother) all the time he was dying, not could she comes to his funeral. I’m sick of hearing about Covid as they only talk about the affect on people who have it, but what about all those of us who have been losing our loved ones to cancer yet couldn’t be with them at the end because of Covid? This will stay with so many of us forever.

    Sounds simple but all we can do is worry about today. Try and get up out of bed, get washed and dressed and try and get through the day. Try and eat well and perhaps get out for a walk. And bit by bit the days will turn into weeks, then months, then hopefully we’ll have found a way through. We must keep going for our loved ones who don’t get to live life anymore. I’m determined to find a way some day to enjoy life for both me and my amazing hubby.

    Keep posting on here and sending you a massive virtual hug xx

  • Hi Pooka

    I'm so sorry  that you are not getting any support at a time when you really need it.

    I am feeling as you do having lost my husband at Christmas and also finding my brother has been diagnosed with cancer.

    I would also say reach out to any help which is offered, that's how I am managing to get through each day. I am usually an independent person but I cannot do this on my own.

    I contacted my GP and told them what had happened and they gave been very supportive. Also, I contacted Marie Curie after John died and they offered me counselling. They even rang me a couple of times to see how I was, which was very kind, so I would definitely give them a call.

    I am fortunate to be receiving counselling from the hospice where John was and find that it does help a little.

    Every day is a struggle I wont deny but I have to carry  on.

    Please keep posting as we are here for you. Xx

  • Hi Pooka,

    You're not wallowing in self pity, you're going through a really tough time. And you don't have to pretend you're coping either. What you are feeling is perfectly normal given the horrible situation you find yourself in.

    I'm so sorry to read your story.

    Covid has made everything more difficult and I know that getting in touch with a GP is hard at the moment, but I would definitely persevere at making contact with them. I wonder if the counselling service people maybe working from home now with reduced staff. Who knows?

    Have you thought of trying to phone Cruse the bereavement care charity? Or I believe Sue Ryder also does bereavement care. You could find them both online.

    Don't expect too much of yourself right now. I think just getting through the day, washed, dressed and fed and just a few normal tasks is quite enough for you, and if you can manage that, at the end of the day you can feel you have accomplished something.

    Then keep checking in here too, there's always someone around for you.

    One day at a time is not a cliché, it's the only way to handle things, I think.

    Sending you a very big virtual hug x

  • Oh Pooka

    I’m so sorry that you feel like this and aren’t getting the support you need or want. The news about your brother and sister must be so so very difficult for you, especially with the restrictions that we’re  all living with.

    I can only agree with what others have said about to you about getting in touch with your GP or some of the other organisations who may be able to offer you some support. 

    Take each day as it comes, remember the small things- getting up, dressed, eating regular meal are actually big achievements most days when you’re feeling as you, and many of us, are feeling. 
    Sending hugs

    xx

  • Oh Bramblejoo, how I agree with your comments about Covid. I feel exactly the same, and as for talking about life returning to normal- for all of us on here, life will never be the normal we knew and enjoyed again. And I’m not sure I’m ready for the new normal.

    xx

  • I’m certainly not ready. I’m getting used to hiding away at home and not really seeing many people! I see my stepdaughter most days and our baby grandson and I have the odd socially distanced walk with my brother or a friend but that’s it. I get a food delivery and have yet to go back to work (and when I do it will be home jaded still). 

    Once normality starts to return and more people are out and about I think I’ll just stay indoors and pretend my husband is still with me somewhere x

  • Thanks everyone for the supportive messages.

  • Hello Pooka,

    I am so sorry. It sounds like you have already been struggling so much with everything during your husband's illness and then after the loss and with very little support around you, and now your brother is in hospital with COVID which of course is worrying and your sister is dying. I am sending you a big, virtual hug. 

    It sounds like you would really like to do counselling. Would it be worthwhile you ringing the counselling place again to remind them of your wish to do counselling and to tell them how you have been feeling and that you really feel in need of help? Why haven't you been able to tell your GP about it, perhaps it would be a good idea to ring up him/her as well to let him/her know? 

    It is very unfortunate that you haven't got any support nearby. But at least you have this forum here and I hope you keep posting. 

    Lots of love

    Mel.

    I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds. 

  • This is such a beautiful post, it actually brought tears to my eyes! 

    Your post conveys a lot of strength and courage because, even though you are feeling like your life has been a nightmare since your husband's diagnosis in 2018, you want to live each day as it comes, with the help of people you reach out to for help, and can see that days will turn into weeks and months until, eventually, you will have found a way to live with a little more happiness again knowing that this is what your amazing husband would have wanted. 

    I feel exactly the same as you. Sometimes I say that I cannot imagine a future without my wonderful husband but that by living day after day after day as best I can weeks turn into months and for me it will be three years in May since my husband died and I can honestly say that I am in a much happier place now, the future is revealing itself a little more every day as I experience it, and I experience moments filled with happiness and joy again. Paul is, and will always be, in my heart. But moving forward with my life and missing Paul terribly are no longer a contradiction. In fact, I would now say that I wouldn't live my life so well, so aware of the present moment, so aware of the fragility of life and impermanence, if I hadn't experienced the loss of my soul mate and best friend. 

    #Your post is really an inspiration. I think I will keep it for days when I might need a reminder.

    Love, Mel.

    I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds. 

  • Hi Mel,

    Thank you so much for saying that, you’ve almost set me off crying again ha ha!

    I have always been a ‘glass half full’ person and always tried to look for positives in every situation. I have to admit this has been the toughest challenge yet and there have been days where I have not felt positive at all. But that’s okay, it’s only just over 7 weeks since I lost my soul mate so that is to be expected. 

    Today has been a good day. Despite it being grey and wet, I went for a lovely walk with our dog (my hubby adored her) and currently have some lamb roasting in the oven while I lay in the quiet and read my book. I am surrounded by my husbands things in our home and photos of him are everywhere. So I feel close to him.

    I will continue to miss him every day, and some days the aching for a hug and kiss from him is like a physical pain, but I look at his picture and remind myself of the 23 amazing years I had with him. He loved loved me like no one else ever had it ever will, and that will bring me comfort and push me forward to carry on living life and enjoying the very simple pleasures that we used to enjoy together. A nice walk, a beautiful place, a nice meal, spending time with family. 

    Thinking of you all and hoping you all continue to find strength to carry on, with our loved ones always in our hearts to keep us warm x