I miss her..

Hey, 

I wanted to join this forum as I lost my mum on the 13th September 2019 to lung cancer that spread to her spine, liver and lymph nodes.

I was only 25 at the time and had never lost anyone at all so loosing my mum was the first person. She was diagnosed on my birthday in January 2019, and since then I pretty much cared for her 3 times a week, dealing with the good and the bad. 

Our relationship really grew in that time, my mum had a huge fear of hostpitals and death, but she rocked it, she went to every appointment and I believe she found peace at the end.

I just don't know how to shake this feeling, its been a year and it feels raw know, it didn't feel that way last year I think I was just in shock, but I can't help but feel so lost with out her. 

I don't know how to handle these feelings, with mum being the first person I've lost I've not had to cope with loss before...id just like some help? xx

  • Hi Mario

    Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.

    What you are experiencing is perfectly normal - some people are not affected until several years after a loss.  Remember, you can take great comfort from caring for your mum and this would have made everything so much easier and more loving for her.  We all grieve differently and at our own pace so there is no right or wrong way or time when you should / shouldn't grieve.  Talk to your mum regularly about your day, the weather, something on t.v.  You don't have to talk for hours just the occasional "It's cold out today" or "What a good film that was"  Your mum will always be around you and will try to support and guide as best she can.  Visit some of her favourite places and talk to her there then quietly await any response.  This could be a feather floating down from nowhere, a breath of wind on a still day, hearing her favourite bird chirp close by - you have to be open to everything to pick up on a sign.  Ask her to guide you along your life's journey - you'll be amazed how things happen in certain ways which will show the influence of a lost loved one.  You can start a memory book about your mum including your childhood, pictures, stories of your mums childhood - talk to relatives and your mums friends for stories.  This is another good way to express your emotions by putting everything down on paper. 

    If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

    Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

    There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

    This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

    This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

    Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

    Death is nothing at all.

    I have only slipped away into the next room.

    I am I and you are you.

    Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

    Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

    Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

    I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

    the corner .......

    All is well.

    Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

  • It’s hard to take anything positive from the death of someone you love. No one knows how they are going to feel from one day to the next, but there are things you can focus on that at times might help.
    You had time with your Mum that enriched your relationship. Don’t underestimate how much that would have meant to her and what a comfort it can be to you, both now and in the years to come.

  • What a beautiful piece of wording and the poem is very dear to me also. I have lost someone so dear to me, a soulmate and best friend and the pain is so raw.  I am doing the same, going out, catching the wind, the feathers, the songs of the birds she adored. The poem is so true and hold onto that. I looked after Lynn as best i could, laughed , joked about life and death, made up silly characters so we could have private jokes. It is so hard to think or believe  they are not here in body but they are around and i talk to her too, even in the shower!  Take care and hugs too.