My saved pages
Some of you may know my story so far and for those who dont a brief run down After a stay in hospital last year it was discovered that my darling mother has stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes, The problem I am dealing with it that my family and my mum either act like nothing is wrong and smile sweetly to the world and fall apart when alone and behind closed doors, There is a lot of family feuds and arguements that still seem to bubble around causing bad feeling amongst the sisters and as some point somone is being cutof of the loop,
Now the problem at hand,, this F~#king Cancer is tearing us apart as a family and alone, my mum has become so bitter and mean even incredibly mean and nasty, her words and actions reduce myself to tears and make me want to hide away from her, vile poisions fall from her mouth with the intention to hurt u and care not for any pain she causes, she sees it as her right to speak "her thruth" but no one is allowed to respond or answer back because she pulls out the cancer card and makes u feel bad for speaking the real thruth, This Cancer has turned her insides rotton and poisouns words flow though her body, She lies to me about the tumour and its growth and shuts me out and its killing me, I cant talk to anyone because they tell tales tto other people or simply dont wanna talk about it, Im so lost and incredibly lonely and scared and I know she feels that too but she convinces her self if she says its all good then it is all good, ITS BLOODY NOT, Her dr gave me time scales and said I cant tell them as it turns things bad and patients give up so now I have my own personnal bubble of hell , just for me, arent I lucky,
This may sound lik im callous about how mum is feeling Im not in any way its tears me to pieces every second of every day and tears leak from my eyes like constant dripping tap. This cancer thing is so so evil it cares not who it touches and how it takes its only mission in the world is to cause pain and in my house the pain grows every day as I grieve more each day for that little bit more of my beautiful mother/grandmother its slowly taking apart in front of me and all I can do is watch and cry just a bit more. its already stolen her smile and her passion and zest for life, not content with that it robs her kindness and her gentlecaring love for her family and leaves us with someone we dont seem to know anymore,
People say there are stages of mourning with cancer, denial, anger etc etc what are they? who catches me when I fall ? No i dont have cancer but it will take my life with it when it takes her and there seems to b "F" all I can do about it, each day she dies alittle bit more and each day her 4 daughters die with her.
i am so so sorry for the horrible time you are having,a lot of your mums anger although you feel its directed at you will be directed towards her illness and her stuggle to accept this,i totally agree with you in regards to how evil this beast of a disease is,it destroys not only the person but the people that love them and changes everything,with regard to grieving i feel we grieve from the day we find out about cancer as we slowly start to lose the person they were,it is such a rollercoaster of feelings which change daily,what i try to think is whenever the day comes i will remember my loved one before this all happened and remember the strong brave loving person she was/is as a person,i do think you need to talk to someone either hospice nurse they offer counciling or go to your gp like i had to as i now have severe anxiety etc and my gp is fantastic with regard to medication i got given and just for letting me talk and talk and get it out my system,we all need someone to off load to,i wish you strength to get throught this,i know how hard it is,in the mean time i am sending you lots of virtual hugs,you will also get a lot of support right here xxxx
Hello Ladies im so sorry you are in this situation and only last week my Mum decided to critcize my job and blurt out her cancer could be back very soon (thanks for that).Mum has stage 4 incurable cancer and has undergone major surgery,chemo,scans and nursing every other day when her abdominal wound burst open not to mention blood transfusions.Mum and Dad have coped remarkably well.Last summer Dad was diagnosed with cancer too,again chemo,hospital bone scans hormone injections etc.I googled his cancer naughty i know and discovered typically 9 to 12 months prognosis !! so here i am the eldest of 5 kids" perhaps being a bit of a whipping boy for their frustrations.I accept i could lose one or both soon and hate the ups but many downs cancer has given us in a yearI too am starting to get panic attacks what with wor,k teenagers and two ill parents who try their utmost to be positive.Sometimes i just want to shout dont you realize what is happening.Im sending you 2 a hug and hope this is a good week for us all (mum and dad see oncos this thurs) take care of yourselves xxxx
Thanku so much for your kind words and prayers, Its very strange , I find myself reading the postings that come through to my email and I read them and follow them all back through until I read the orginal posting and its not until Im half way through reading it I realise its my words Im reading. I forget what I have written because they come as a release and just fall from me and become sentences of mind jumble on a page, I really should read them back as I have noted my spelling when Im in full flow needs spellcheck!
I dont regret my words I just feel maybe Im disconnected , disconnected in grief. disconnected in desperation for things the way they were, But things will never be the same and as time ticks on I wonder if people around me look at me and get stuck , not knowing what to say or questions to avoid. So its easier to avoid that person all together. Sometimes its like you say people play lets pretend, lets pretend everything is wonderful and happy while inside Im screaming and stamping my feet wanting someone to sit down with me hold my hand and just talk, simple as that.
The Gp is always so busy and mums Maccy Nurse seems to be for her and I totally understand that,despite the fact mum wont talk to anyone about *IT* because then *ITS* real, but who picks us up? No matter who is diagnosed they are loved, and when its a parent we as siblings are faced with the fact our parents are not indistructable, Up until then you look to the future of your aging parents with smiles and laughter and kind of accept care homes and such like, and then wham in a few words everything changes. That patient is our loved one and we will be left to pick up the chaos to come, so who helps us?
Good luck today those awaiting news and and together with our words and prays may we continue to support eachother in away no-one else could not understand.
Smiles and Blessings and genuine thanks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
If you have any questions about Macmillan, or would like to talk to someone about cancer, we have a team of experts who can help.
© Macmillan Cancer Support, registered charity in England and Wales (261017), Scotland (SC039907) and the Isle of Man (604). A company limited by guarantee, registered in England and Wales company number 2400969. Isle of Man company number 4694F. Registered office: 89 Albert Embankment, London SE1 7UQ.