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Do I or don't I share I'm so worried it might make my wife illness worse

redgt9
Posted by

Hi, My wife has Cancer and three weeks ago I have been told I might have Lung Cancer and was placed under the two week appointment rule but sadly i was lost  in the system so know I guess you can call it the four weeks rule.

I expect the worse news due to my problems, my question to a you.  My wife is already sadly dieing of cancer do I let her know the out come of myself, I think if she gets anymore bad news she will go down hill.  I have been warned I might have Lung Cancer and  a problem with my Liver.  I realy don't know if I share my problems with my wife or anyone else, I had the CT scan yesterday and went on my own and to be honest felt alone but it was my choice and will do so to protect my wife on the next appointment in a weeks time get the results.  I know it's a hard one but I really don't know what to do.  I am lost and feel alone sorry.

helen1946
Posted by

I believe your wife would want to know do do share with her in a positive way  if you are to fight this together.prayers for you you are not alone.my husband also ill but we takestrength  from each other ..

Helen 46

redgt9
Posted by

Hello Helen 1946,  First thank you for taking the time to answer my  message.  I'm very sorry to hear your Hisband is ill but happy to see you take positive strength from each other, please allow me to send you both some positive thoughts.  Again thank you for your message, I will take this on board to help me make up my mind.  All the very best to you both....

Donna - Macmillan
Posted by

Hi redgt9,

 

People often worry about telling their loved one news about their health. What you tend to find is that those who are close to you will notice changes in how you are anyway and may worry more, if you are not sharing what’s wrong.

 

Sometimes people pick up on changes to routine or see that your emotions are different. Being honest is often the best way, as hiding things can affect the trust in a relationship. Having said that, you know your wife better than anyone and will know if there is a good moment to break the news about your own health. You might wish to wait until you have more information about your situation, before you choose to say anything.

 

I wonder if it would help for you to speak with us on the phone and then you might feel less alone. We could chat to you and help you prepare for your next appointment. You can call us on 0808 808 00 00, Monday to Friday, 9am to 8pm.

 

Best wishes,

 

Donna

 

(Macmillan Cancer Information Nurse Specialist)

redgt9
Posted by

Hello Donna, thank you for your advice and your time.  Firstly can I say sorry about my spelling mistakes in my original message and also the reply to Helen 1946 and may be this message.

Donna, I found the  prepare for your next appointment very informative, thank you for sharing this with me.

I will take your advice and telephone tomorrow, I only want to do the right thing and I don't want to make matters worse for my wife.  I'm ready to be told the worse news because I was told in A&E "to expect the worse" so anything better would be a plus tfor me.

Again thank you very much Donna for your tiime and advice and also to Helen for your help.  Best regards to you both.

Graham.

redgt9
Posted by

I went for the results today, which was a total waste of time and I must say I found it quite hard on my own in the end, I was told by the Consultant he had the CT Scan on his computer but had no CT Scan report so could not rule out cancer and that was after sitting in a waiting room for over a hour past my appointment time.  

To get the results now I have to wait for the next appointment in 3 weeks time,  he gave me a sample bottle for sputem and a blood test form, surely if he was a Consultant he could of examined the CT Scan on his computer without needing a CT Scan report.  

I'm sorry, but I'm gobsmacked to wait 4 weeks for the 2 week rule and now wait another 3 weeks.

 Because my wife is so ill I can't be dealing with this so at the moment I don't want to follow this up because she needs me and I want to deal with her.  

I have lost heart in the way the Royal Berkshire Hospital work, when I got back to my wife after my problems, she also had a appointment with the Royal Berkshire Hospital Dental Sergions, she is badly suffering with her teeth coming out,  well has it turned out the Cancer treatment for her bones should of been stopped several months ago,  

We are told  today that treatment has a major side effect which all the Doctors, Dentist and Cancer Nurses know about which is it can slowly make her jaw weaker and weaker, which has happened to the extent she only has 2 teeth left, she is in pain from her teeth but now they say they can't remove them because they think her Jaw will fall apart.  I am losing faith, sadly.

I'm very sorry for my little outburst, but I feel totally exhausted by it all.

Carolyn28
Posted by

oh my goodness

you need a hug, and a panda

do you have anyone local to you ?  kids, close friends ?  Do you have nurses that come in to help with your wife ? 

It sounds so distressing to have to watch and more so because of, what seems like, constant mistakes

Do you have a hospice ? I have heard that their palliative teams are excellent, have you even been guided down this route ?

more hugs

Carolyn

xxxxxx

 real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer/f/38/t/115457

Dr Peter Harvey

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

 

Kacang
Posted by

Hi  I'm so sorry to hear about your wife and about the problems you are facing yourself. I can understand that you might not want to tell your wife about your health problems at this point in time. That's a valid choice to make, but as someone else said, she may well notice that you're keeping something from her. 

I also understand that you want to put your wife first and focus on her needs. But you do need to look after yourself too, both mentally and physically so you can cope with your wife's struggles. Do you have children? Are they old enough to provide support to you and your wife? What about siblings? 

Has your wife been assigned a Macmillan nurse to help? If so, perhaps you could have a chat with them about your situation. 

There are a couple of groups on this forum that might be able to provide you with some support. Firstly, there is a carers group, full of lovely people who are looking after their loved ones. There's also a lung cancer group. You haven't said what kind of cancer your wife has but there will be a group of people living with that kind of cancer, who will be able to answer questions. Just look under cancer types in the groups section of the site.

I'm happy to chat to you at any time you feel a need to talk to someone. I live in Australia, however, so you need to be aware of the time difference and that I may not respond immediately. But I will always respond.

Wishing you all the very best. 

Lynn xx 

court
Posted by

Hi , 

Your clearly such a lovely husband . Both my parents took ill within two weeks of each other and it was such a shock. 

In terms of waiting for your results my mum is a stage 4 patient and has had some long waits along the way. I am not sure about your area but here out GP shares the same clinical portal so can see the communication. Sometimes my mum visits her GP for the results if it's too long as he has known her for over twenty years. You might want to have a chat with your GP given your concern over the hospital and the situation you are in with your wife. 

Despite not being able to change this for you we can listen and Support. 

Take care

Court



redgt9
Posted by

Hello Carolyn, thank you for your hugs and message which was gladly received.  I have two lovely step daughters which are my wife's children.  Sadly, one lives in Ireland and the other one has two very young children and works very hard at her job and marriage as well, so she can't help has much as she would like to.

My wife is at the moment in a local Hospice and do have palliative care once a week she goes to normally, but at the moment she is in the Hospice which are doing a great job of looking after my wife.

We have a carrer come in twice a day for my wife, but they are not medically trained in anyway, we use to have a named Cancer Nurse but she changed her job and we have not seen anyone since but hopefully that will change soon.

I feel so much better today and more settled, I'm sorry about my previous message I was so wound up.   Thank you Carolyn for your lovely message and hugs.

Big hugs back and kind regards.

Graham.

Carolyn28
Posted by

I'm really glad I could help a tiny bit

and don't worry, we all have those 'moments' where we just have to shout about it

It is good to know that you do have some support from a local hospice, is there someone there you could chat to ?

I don't think , if it was me, that I'd share my health worries, I did tell my family of my original diagnosis, it was such a shock but when things got a little bit worse as I had more tests, I stopped telling them the whole story.  I preferred to keep it light hearted and upbeat.

I'd like to think my kids would step in and help but really they don't want to think that I'm not 100%, they like me to be the supportive mum.

Did you manage to sort out some pain management for your wife ?

more hugs

Carolyn

xxx

 real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer/f/38/t/115457

Dr Peter Harvey

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

 

redgt9
Posted by

Hello Kacang, thank you for your message and information It's really nice of you to take the time to write to me.

I suppose in a round about way me not getting told what is or not wrong with me has really taken my original worry away.  If I don't know I can't tell, can I :) 

I have two lovely step daughters, sadly one lives too far away in Ireland to help much and the other  has two very young children of her own also married with a full time job so she doesn't have a lot of time to help as much as she would like.

My wife used to have a Macmillan nurse, but she changed her job a while ago and we are waiting to see a new Macmillan nurse which we hope will be soon.

Thank you for your guides to this site, I will certainly spend more time looking around here.

My wife has Lung Cancer primary and secondary bone cancer in many places and bad COPD.

Thank you for the offer of the chat, that is really nice of you, at the moment I have regathered my strength so hopefully I will be ok but I might take you up on that one day or night.  In the meantime, thank you very much for your help and guidance, it means a lot.

Total regards

Graham...

redgt9
Posted by

Hello Court, thank you for your message and taking the time to write, I'm very sorry to hear about your parents that must of been terrible for you to deal with.

Thank you for your guidance regarding our GP, sadly our old GP just retired, but before he retired, he asked me for the latest updates of my wife's illness and drugs list's from the Hospital.  He told me has to wait for anything up to a month before he gets told anything, I did not understand that because he had all the latest Internet, gadgets, things like I can read my medical records make appointments and order repeated drugs online.

Now it has all changed, it stands at the moment I have a surgery name but no named GP, so I can't get any information from that direction, I had a appointment today to see a GP I did not know and got no info from them, sadly.

Court thank you for your message and support, it was really good of you to take the time.

Kind regards and many thanks.

Graham.

redgt9
Posted by

Hello again Carolyn, thank you for the extra hugs and message.  Yes, I was told at the hospice they are there for me, but somehow I also don't want to ask them.  I feel it's my wife's place of help and I don't want to add to their problems.  They do some much for my wife.

Yes, it looks promising about my wife's pain management, she say's she feels better and certainly looks much better than she did a few day's ago.

Carolyn, thank you for understanding my original question the title of this message thread, I'm sorry you had to go through  it yourself and I fully understand what you mean and where you are coming from.  

I remember like yesterday when we was all told as a family what my wife had, it was a room full of very upset people, my way if I was told the bad news, which I expected, it would of just been me and I would not need to worry about everyone else around me.  But as well know I still have to wait and see.

Again Carolyn, thank you for your time, support, guidance and hugs.

Many big hugs back to you and kind regards.

Graham.

Carolyn28
Posted by

hi Graham,

I think the hospices often have family services, counselling and such like, you could try asking them ?

A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say, and that takes the pressure off, you'll be less likely to feel the need to tell your wife.

Do you talk about things with her ?  I know some people do, we don't in this household.

My husband will struggle if I die first, he doesn't know how the heating works, or the internet, or the TVs or the boiler, or the plumbing ...

or how to do his accounts and VAT ...

I guess I should write an instruction manual for him. Are you the practical one ?

hugs

Carolyn

xx

 real life success stories to remind you that people do survive breast cancer

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer/f/38/t/115457

Dr Peter Harvey

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf