Family in denial

Hello Lucyrose ,

Thank you for contacting us here at Macmillan, I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this, I can only imagine how you must be feeling and especially since it sounds as if, in some ways, you’re a feeling little alone in this too. 

This is a very difficult and sensitive issue you’re dealing with Lucyrose isn’t it, of course only you will know your family and the reality of what they’re truly understanding however, in speaking to others in this situation, I often find that many people really are aware of what they’re facing but they choose to ignore it, sometimes it’s easier just to believe that things are going to be okay rather than facing the fear of losing someone you care about or indeed fear of losing your own life which is completely understandable.

I know you’ve spoken with a doctor but does your dad a Cancer Nurse Specialist assigned to him, perhaps you could talk to them about this and arrange for them to sit down with you and your family to discuss your dad’s condition, hopefully hearing from a medical professional may help them to understand what’s truly happening.  If he doesn’t have a Cancer Nurse Specialist then maybe one of the ward nurses could make some arrangement for you?

Also Lucyrose, have you sat down with your family and had an open and honest conversation with them yet, if not then perhaps that’s something you could do, tell them what you understand the situation to be and how your feeling and listen to what they believe and how they feel about it, together you might reach some understanding and then be together again in supporting your dad and each other.

As I mentioned earlier, this is such a sensitive topic, it might be helpful for you to give our Support Line a call and have a confidential talk with one of our advisors where we can look at your situation and look at other ways to support you, please know you’re not alone in this, we’re here for you if you need us.   We’re here every day, from 8am to 8pm, the freephone number is 0808 808 0000 or you can also reach us using the chat function online.

I hope this advice is of some use to you Lucyrose.

Kindest regards,

Thank you for your response. I've managed to speak to one of his doctors as a well as his palliative care nurse privately, explaining what's happening.

As a family, we've had daily meetings with his doctors for the past 4 days and palliative care for the past two days, who have all explained the situation. 

Today in the meetings there has been more of an emphasis on clarity to make sure that my mother in particular understands, after I explained my concerns to his medical team.

There's still some resistance there, I thought we we're all coming to more of a mutual understanding but there are still issues. I do feel like it's making the process harder which is disappointing, I do feel very alone in this. 

At this point I'd feel better just grieving alone. 

Hello Lucyrose and thank you for your reply.

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling alone in this, I know it’s not the same, but we have a couple of forums you might find useful if talking to others in a similar situation might help in any way.

Supporting someone with incurable cancer forum

Family and friends forum

It sounds like your family might be finding the reality of what’s happening too difficult and are choosing not to acknowledge it Lucyrose. Do they have the support in place that they need to try and come to terms with it do you think? Please let them know we’re here if they would like to talk things over or if they have any questions for our nurses.

I’ve also posted some links below about ‘anticipatory grief’ that you might also find useful.

Cruse - Anticipatory Grief

Marie Curie - What is Anticipatory Grief?

I appreciate you feel alone with this but I assure you we’re here for you during this difficult time Lucyrose.

Take care.