Yilmaz

Moving Forward

2011-08-17T23:52:10Z

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all well. I feel bad that I haven't had time to post on here much recently, and part of me also feels bad that so many of you supported me last year when my Mum died, but that I haven't been around much to reciprocate lately.

It's nearly a year since my Mum died and lately I have been feeling very sad about it. On July 24th, it would have been her 65th birthday. We went out as a family and we had dinner to celebrate her birthday. It was lovely. But, since then I have been very sad. I acutely remember August of last year and how much my Mum suffered in the final month of her life. Strangely, all the small things bring it back to me: the nights drawing in, the beginning of the football season. I remember it like it was yesterday.

It scares me that it is nearly a year since my Mum died, as I can remember it so clearly. Many positive things have happened to me in the last few months: I passed my driving test after numerous failed attemps and bought a car; I finally got a job after searching so hard for three years and I met someone and am in a relationship. However, while my life has moved forward, I still remember last year all so vividly and have this massive sense of loss. My girlfriend has been supportive and says that I need to move past thinking about the way in which my Mum died and think about the good things. She is right, but in a way, thinking about the good times only highlights just what I have lost.

I feel like I am still grieving, but also feel it's hard to talk to people about it, as it has been nearly a year.

6 months

2011-03-17T20:46:44Z

Hi everyone. Firstly, I regret not being able to come on here more often. I have been so busy recently with work and generally keeping myself occupied. I think that I keep myself occupied because it gives me purposes and helps me not to think about what has happened in my life over the past year.

Monday 14th March was the six-month anniversary of my mum's death. I cannot believe it has been six months already. I get on with my life, but I think about my mum a lot. Her passing seems like it was yesterday.

One of my friends called me today to tell me that his aunt has passed away. And that made me think about it all again. There is a great sadness still there. I remember my mum being a fighter and getting through everything life threw at her. And I am proud of her for fighting and being so strong. But then I think to myself that she eventually lost her battle with cancer, and it makes me upset to think that it got the better of her in the end. It doesn't seem right somehow, that someone who fought so well should lose a battle like that.

I think part of my feelings stem from my innate belief that modern medicine should be able to deal with pretty much anything. If there is something wrong with me, I expect the doctors to be able to make me better. I don't think twice about it. So I think it taps into my feelings about life and death.

Checking In

2010-11-15T22:07:06Z

Hello everyone. I wanted to say hi to all my Macmillan friends, and thought that this was the best way to do it. I haven't been on here recently because I have been very busy with work and other stuff. But I have been thinking about you all and send lots of love and good wishes to all. :)

It would be good to hear how you are all doing; I'm not particularly good with the live chat in truth! So feel free to reply on here or message me.

As for me, as I said, I'm busy with work and have been trying to move forward with life. I would say that I'm learning to live with the big hole in my life created my Mum's passing. The learning process is sometimes painful and upsetting. I'm currently trying to think of some way to pay tribute to my Mum and to honour the legacy that she left. I was thinking of perhaps writing an obituary about her and sharing it with people. I've also got together with some friends and we are trying to organise a charity pub quiz/fundraiser evening, with the proceeds being split between several cancer charities. This is a work in progress and hopefully it will prove to be fruitful.

Anyway, I hope that everyone is well and I am thinking of all my Mac friends. :)

Counselling Week 2

2010-11-01T23:35:05Z

I felt a little more uneasy this week, because I felt like I had to keep talking for an hour. I don't know, it just felt weird to keep going on about my feelings, thoughts, worries and felt like I was going round in a circle, continually asking unanswered questions. There is very little input from the counsellor and it often feels like I'm talking to myself.

The counselling is good for exploring my feelings more deeply, but it's almost as if I can't see where this is going. I told the counsellor how powerless I felt to stop my Mum dying of cancer and how deeply this disturbed me. I told her how the sheer injustice of it all continues to upset me and affect the way I see my own life as well. And I talked about how I feel that society let my Mum down, in the sense that the doctors said they couldn't treat her cancer. Not being able to treat her isn't good enough in my eyes, which is why I still have such anger towards the doctors. It is not a personal anger; I don't blame any doctors/nurses individually. It's just that I see things on the news about how people have brain tumours removed and recover. And I read about things like genetic modification etc. When I think about how they did the first heart transplant 43 years ago, but still can't treat cancer, it seems so pathetic to me. And it makes me feel angry, as I feel that their inability to find a treatment for cancer has killed my mother.

My counsellor asked me to write a letter to my mother and bring it to the session for next week. One of the things I discussed was that it upset me that my Mum felt she could leave me and I've been thinking about how I could have contributed to that view. You hear stories about women especially, who are diagnosed with cancer, but who fight on because they know they have a family and children to look after. I am 26 and am starting to live my own life, but it scares me to think that my Mum might have let go and left us because she felt she wasn't needed anymore. I grew up watching my Mum fight and beat many illnesses and so I struggle to understand why she didn't this this time.

I'll keep going to counselling, but at the moment, I still feel as I'm struggling to coming to terms with things, as I have these unresolved questions that keep playing on my mind.

Bereavement Counselling

2010-10-27T00:13:50Z

Today I went for my first bereavement counselling session. I left feeling that what has taken place was profound, for I felt as if I had opened up Pandora's Box with regards to my feelings. The depth at which I discussed my feelings really shook me and made me think. I hadn't previously thought about the complexity of the reasons why I feel the way I do. Obviously, there is grief. But I hadn't thought about the impact of my own powerlessness. I am a person who feels that they need to understand the reason behind everything and who need to feel that they are in control of what happens in their life. Maybe my Mum's death challenged both of these things.

I think this counselling will prove to be a good thing in the long-term though.

Sadness

2010-10-13T23:28:41Z

I went for an assessment with a bereavement counsellor this afternoon. She asked me some questions and I talked about my feelings about my Mum and about what had happened. She is going to assign me a counsellor and get back to me within a couple of weeks.

Lately, I have been finding it hard to cope with life. I am trying to move on: seeing friends, going out shopping, work when it is available- things which I would normally do. But, I feel like my Mum's passing has put it all into perspective. Everything I do in my life seems trivial and irrelevant compared with the loss of Mum. And all around me, the world is moving on. I feel like I need some support at the moment. I have lots of good friends, but everything moves on with life. At the time, my friends were supportive, but none of them have been through what I have and so don't realise how much this hits you afterwards. It's not their fault at all, and I do realise how difficult it is to support someone in this situation. I feel in some way that I am just expected to move on as well. I am trying to, but it's so hard. The feeling of emptiness and great sorrow is always there.

I find myself staring at where she used to sit and getting upset. There is a big hole in my life at the moment and I'm not sure how to deal with it at all. I am lucky to have had such a loving, kind-hearted Mum. But the loss of her is just so hard to bear.

Coping With Loss

2010-09-17T01:42:50Z

I'm somewhat concerned about my reaction to Mum's passing. Since it happened on Tuesday, I have been relatively calm. A friend of mine picked this up today when I spoke to him on the telephone. When my mum passed away on Tuesday, it did hit me. Since then, I have felt something missing inside and I have felt different in some way. But I have hardly cried about it. I know different people react in different ways, but my reaction to it has surprised me. In general, I am a very calm person and I hardly ever get really heated up about things.

Consequently, I'm wary that I may well have more of a visibly emotional reaction in the days and weeks to come. Particularly when the visitors to the house have gone and when my mum's absence is felt more. I do miss her terribly, but I'm also looking to move on with life. Today I went shopping in Leeds and met up with a couple of friends for dinner. I talked a lot about my mum and my feelings about things and they listened. My Dad and I visited her grave yesterday and he cried lots. For me, the symbolism of the grave is less. I don't see it as my Mum being there. I see it as a corpse. And the person that is my Mum is not there. I think and talk about Mum all the time at the moment, but I don't need to go to the grave to do it. I will of course visit the grave with family members to comfort them, but for me, it means something different.

As I said, I'm concerned that it will really hit me in the days and weeks to come. That may not necessarily be a bad thing and it may be a case of allowing the grieving process to take its natural course. But, I am open to the idea of counselling to down the line to help me to manage my feelings. I should allow myself to react however I end up reacting, but I don't want my reaction to mean that I can't get on with my life in terms of work etc. I did a lot of crying when I found out my Mum's cancer was terminal and I don't know if that made me start to come to terms with the idea of losing her.

Today I looked through some pictures of Mum on the computer. And I felt very sad about what has happened to her. While I do feel relatively calm at the moment, I also deeply feel troubled in a different way. I feel troubled that I watched my Mum decline and eventually die without helping to make her better medically, or at least in the knowledge that was receiving treatment. The idea that there was nothing they could do really disturbs me. It's like I know there probably wasn't much more the doctors could have done and I know that nothing will bring Mum back now. But, the doctors not being able to do anything isn't good enough in my view. Watching someone I love decline and die slowly has deeply disturbed me. It is so unnatural and it runs counter to the human instinct to preserve and protect life. Perhaps I need to talk to someone about these feelings to help me come to terms with what has happened.

Passing Away

2010-09-15T01:18:24Z

My mum passed away this afternoon. It was very peaceful in the end. She had wanted to be buried on the same day and wanted a simple ceremony.

I reflect on the last few months and I struggle to believe any of it. I can't imagine my life without my mum as a big part of it.

While we were burying her this evening, I kept thinking about what the Macmillan nurse said to me a few weeks ago when she told me that there was nothing they could do and that my mum was going to die. And I felt very angry. I felt angry that they would let my mum suffer for months on end and then let her die. I know that nothing is going to bring her back now, but I just felt that it was pathetic that nothing could be done in this day and age. If I have a medical problem, I expect it to be sorted out. I don't expect to be told 'nothing can be done'. This doesn't seem good enough to me at all.

I know that I'm emotional at the moment and that my thoughts are probably not logical. I hope that time will help our family come to terms with what has happened.

Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to share.

Reflecting on a Surreal Week

2010-09-13T17:29:57Z

My mum came home from the hospice on Tuesday evening. The doctors said she probably would only have a few days left. But she is still here with us. Her breathing is rattly now and she has a lot of phlegm on her chest. She has gone a pale colour and isn't opening her eyes now. She stops breathing sometimes and then starts again and the pulse is not regular now.

We are all spending as much time with her possible. We have been surrounded by family and friends for the last week. I am immensely proud of my mum and of how hard she has fought. You can tell she doesn't want to leave us. She looks very peaceful now.

As for me, this has been the most surreal week of my life. Waiting for someone to die is the most unnatural thing. It feels as if the world has stopped for us. I am very calm at the moment though. My mum has been so dignified and graceful throughout her period of illness that I think some of that has rubbed off onto me. The only place I've been to is the supermarket to buy food for us.

After things have moved on, I am going to write a piece about my mum's life for my blog. She has been through so much and I find her life story to be remarkable. I won't be able to do her justice with words, but I would like the world to know about my mum. I used to write poetry, but I think this time I will write a short piece about some of the key events in her life.

Waiting 2

2010-09-11T18:26:25Z

My mum is still with us. She is fighting on, although is getting more pain as her organs shut down. She is sedated and is being given painkillers through a syringe. We take it in turns to keep a watch over mum and this morning, I woke up at 5.30am due to all the commotion in the house. She was in a lot of pain and we called out the nurses, who upped her meds. We thought she was going to leave us this morning, but she is still here with her. Even though she cannot respond, I am glad that she can still hear what we say to her.

It's difficult to know where my mum's pain is, because she is carrying it in such a dignified and graceful way. Mentally, she is so strong and I admire her so much for this.

We are expecting it any time. As for me, I have had a school chasing me for work for the last few days (I work as a supply teacher). It was a long-term, but temporary position. At first, I said no to them, because of the circumstances and said that I couldn't come in for interview at the moment. But they kept calling me and I finally agreed to discuss the position with them.

They wanted me to start on Monday, but when I explained the circumstances, they were unsympathetic and said they were going with someone else. Being with mum is much more important to me right now.

I have been so tired over the last few days. I had an hour's nap earlier on this afternoon because I just felt so mentally shattered.

Finally, I want to thank everyone on here who have been so kind with their good wishes. I really do appreciate your support. x

Waiting

2010-09-08T18:18:44Z

Thanks for the kind words and wishes everyone.

I sat up with her last night and after a few hours sleep, my Dad woke me. A family friend, who used to be a cancer nurse, had stayed up to sit with her. I was told by her that my mum on her way. So I went and sat with her. Today has been an incredibly stressful and upsetting day. My mum is still with us. We had to call out the nurses a few times to give her pain meds and meds to calm her agitation.

The house is full of family and friends at the moment. I have said to her what I wanted to say and have just spending time with her. We are just waiting now to be honest.

I can't articulate how proud I am of my mum. She has been through so much and I deeply admire her resilence. The love which she shows to her two children is phenomenal. She is just a selfless person, always looking out for others before herself. The sheer number of people visiting her now is testament to that.

At the moment, I am scared of how I am going to cope in the future without her. But I'm trying not to think about that too much now.

The End

2010-09-08T00:29:04Z

My mum's condition has deteriorated rapidly over the past few days. Yesterday, the doctors at the hospice told us that the end was near for my mum and that she had a few days to live. I don't know how it happened and it's almost as if something happened overnight Sunday to push her into the final stage.

Today she arrived home. We have a special hospital bed in the dining room and we are sitting with her. My sister and I had a talk with her and we said what we wanted to say. Her pupils are fixated at the moment and she can't talk coherently at all. But she can hear us though.

People have been coming to visit her all evening. We have been told to expect her to go at any time now. I was very angry for a while today. Angry because I felt, and still do feel a little, that the doctors have let my mum die. Somehow the 'there's nothing we can do' line really doesn't seem good enough. The resignation and defeatism in the face of cancer seems immoral.

My mum has done so much for me and I am forever in her debt. She is my hero and I have such deep admiration for the life she has led. I am so proud of her for what she has done. I told her all this today.

I've no idea how 'it' happens or what is the normal rate of deterioration. But I have been shocked and horrified by her decline in recent days. I honestly expected a few more months.

Anyway, just wanted to share.

Today

2010-08-27T00:03:34Z

Today my mum went into the hospice for a short stay (week to 10 days the doctors said). She hasn't eaten or drank much for a week and is therefore very weak. She can't stand on her feet at the moment, such is her weakness. She is staying there so she can get treatment and so that hopefully we can get her stronger and home again.

The hospice is a lovely place and she has her own private room. But it was heartbreaking to leave her there. The house feels empty without her and I had the horrible thought that I will eventually have to get used to it... But, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I felt quite angry today. Angry that no-one is doing anything about my mum's cancer; I know they can't, but this doesn't stop me from feeling angry. This may sound really odd, but this sits uncomfortably with me in a moral sense: the idea that we just watch people die and don't do anything to make them better. I guess the truth is that we just can't control everything, but this is a very scary thought too. I was also thinking 'How on earth has this all happened?' A few months ago, my mum was fine. Now, she's terminally ill.

I know they will look after her in the hospice, but I just wanted to share my thoughts really.

Hello

2010-08-24T00:43:58Z

Hello,

My name is Yilmaz and I am a carer for my mum. She has a history of a cancer: breast, bone, liver, but bravely fought through it. This year, she started getting headaches. A scan revealed that she had several brain mets. After a course of radiotherapy, the medics decided that there was no more they could do for her.

My mum's mobility is virtually non-existent. She cannot walk or make many movements with her body. She speaks with difficulty and struggles to speak coherently.

I came on here to share my experiences with others, so that hopefully we can support each other. I have spoken to some of you in the chatroom already, but I hope to speak to more of you in time.