Becky's Blog

I think the consultant has given up on my dad

2010-02-18T18:27:50Z

My dad went to the hospital last Thursday and the consultant was a prat! He has said that dad is not having any scans and we wait for the cancer to spread. Thanks for that. He claims the scans are not necessary - yet it was the scans that identified it had spread in the first place- even saying that they were counter productive - how?? He said dad will know if he has symptoms but then contradicted himself when I asked if it could spread again anywhere and he said yes kidney cancer is unpredictable. How is my dad supossed to know what effects he will get when it can go anywhere? When it spread to his lungs he was not aware of the symptoms it was the scan that picked it up. I feel like as he is not on the trial anymore, as it upset his body and nearly killed him, he is of no use and they have written him off - on the trial I assume the scans were paid for as they were more than happy to scan him now it is down to the NHS not a chance mate. I know there is no cure but I think that monitoring it is important. He is not a number or a gunieau pig he is my dad. How the hell are we supossed to know what to expect or what to look for. And to top it off he talked about another trial which had worse side affects than the last one - joy another 6 months of misery for my dad. I think that my dad is really brave as he made a joke and soldiered on, the dignity that he has shown makes me feel humble and proud but I would still like to give that consultant a piece of my mind.

Am I a bad person for shouting at my dad?

2010-01-24T10:03:26Z

Is it wrong to shout at the person that you love most in the word when you know that they have a terminal illness and you keep being told to make the most of the time that you have with them? My dad is so angry at the moment and is lashing out at everyone, mainly my mum and me. I feel so sorry for her as she takes so much and he is so nasty. The venom when he shouts is awful to watch and mum is really struggling with it at the moment. She seems so down bless her and I don't know what to do to help. I am not really sure where this anger has come from, I know that sounds stupid as the man has a terminal illness but since coming off the drugs trial he has seemed so much better, he can eat and has put some of the 3 stone in weight that he lost. Christmas was great but New Year was where is all went wrong and I am assuming, maybe wrongly, that a New Year scares him, I base that on the fact that it scares me. I took them out yesterday and hoped for a lovely day, oh dear how wrong can you be?? He was so rude to my mum and shouted, and I mean shouted, at her for a tiny error and I just lost it , in a big way and told him what I thought about how he is treating his loved ones. i was so angry and just boiled over. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt so bad and sat in the back of the car and silently sobbed, I did apologise later but in my mind the damage was done. I really am trying to be patient and understanding for him but yesterday I lost the plot. I even told him he was being an arsehole - how bad is that??? :0(

I wish I could understand what is going off in his head but he doesn't talk about things. He flat refuses to go and see his Mac nurse, or have counselling from them or LOROS - even though both have offered. He has no friends to speak of and will not speak to his brother. I am not sure how he can deal with all this on his own and mum says he does not talk to her. Dad occassionally talks to me when we are on our own but that is rare. His personality has changed completely, I sometimes don't recognise the man that shouts at my mum and is so, so nasty. Is this normal? I know he has so much to deal with but I feel so for my mum. My family is disintergrating and I am finding so hard to cope. I just want a miracle to put everyhting right. Friends and family say - make the most of it and be happier that he has come off the drugs trial and seems healthier - but the illness still takes its toll and damages my lovely family in unimaginable ways that are so hard to deal with. I hope that this sounds normal to someoone on this site because at the moment I think I may be going insane. Why can't I be normal and be patient with him? Why can't I be happy for the small blessings that we have been given rather than worrying about when it will get worse and being without him? Why can't we unlearn things that we learn? Am I a bad person? Will life ever be the same - I thinl I know the answer to that and it's no never and I find that so hard to deal with. This whole experience is awful and I am struggling to cope, whilst trying to function normally and show people that I am okay as I am aware that they don't want to hear how crap life is. Why, why, why??? I think that today is just one of those days, I hope it is anyway, one of my downs with a few ups thrown in for good measure.

Positives and negatives

2010-01-14T18:40:17Z

It has been a while since I have been on the site and I wanted to add some positives to balance my negatives so that when I have a bad moment I can look back and see that there were plenty in this whole strange roller coaster ride that we are on. Christmas was really good we had a fab time, it really made up for last year when we found out on the 16/12/08 that dads cancer had returned and was stage 4 terminal. New year was hard as dad was very grumpy and angry - understandable a new year of unknowns and uncertainties. I wish that life could go back to normal and we could all get off this ride - a whole new set of if's, but's and maybe's await us. I know that there are many people out there who think I should just be grateful he is till here but there have been many changes and this illness is damaging to all who get caught up in it. I would not wish thison my worst enemy and once it is here life changes forever. Our next hurdle is Feb when he is 70! Come on dad keep going. An appointment looms on the horizon on the 11th Feb - always just before a key event but thats life. So my message to myself is keep taking it one day at a time, look at the positives - London on Sunday with mum and dad, him opening the train set on Shristmas day and thay wonderful smile. I love you dad so very much xxx

Relief

2009-11-13T19:13:54Z

Well dad went to the hospital and they made the decision for him and took him off the tablets, saved him from agonising over it though. Although it sounds cruel I am relieved, even in the 2 weeks he has been off the drugs he has changed and is more the man that he was before. I know it is selfish as he is worried that now nothing is fighting the disease and that must be very frightening. I can only hope now that he can start to enjoy the things that he has lost and make the most of every moment as none of us know what is around the corner. I feel more positive at the moment - I am not sure whether that is wrong or not - who knows? I just wish him many happy days to come and will try and make special moments for him. For the first time in ages we are all looking forward to Christmas with our wonderful family. Lets hope it goes well, at least he should be able to enjoy his dinner bless him. Only one negative is the something on his spine which CT scan identifed, MRI to follow - hoping it is nothing sinister. Keep fighting dad your little (big) girl needs you to be around for a while yet. Love you dad always will xx

The right thing to do?

2009-11-01T10:20:25Z

Well we wait for Thursday to see if the cancer has spread and to see if my dad should stay on the tablets or not. I think not but should I tell him that? His health had deteriorated so much with the weight loss, sickness, hair loss and lack of energy but he is terrified of being off them. He even rag the hospital on Thursday to see if he should carry on bless him. Do I tell him what I think and give him an alternative opinion or do I just let him do whatever he thinks is right even if that means him loosing even more of himself and his life? He says what is the alternative but it is terminal and this is an inhibitor. What is the best thing to do I ask myself?