A double blow :( so so so so heartbroken

2009-01-28T19:45:48Z

Well .... Don't know where to really start, I've been bottling up my emotions for so so long as I haven't been brave enough to begin to write this, not really sure I am at the moment! Here goes .... Around October time I join this site and wrote my very first blog and it was such a relief to get my thoughts out there and to hear such lovely warm thoughts from others and to know that its not just you going through this heartache but others as well. I wrote how sad and upset about the difficult time my family had facing us ahead but little did I know how painful, quick, aggressive and short that time would be back then. Around 10th/11th of Nov my mum went back in to hospital, nothing really new there as the chemo often took its toll and her white blood cells etc become non-exsistant so generally after a week or so she came back out. On the 15th of November she looked so well however the docs wanted to move her in to a private room as her white blood cells where not increasing even after a number of blood transfusions etc... and they wanted to run the risk of infection down to a minimum, left the hospital feeling ok. 6am on Sunday 16th November there was a bang on the door, we feared the worse and it was but nothing like we ever imagined, it was Tim (my husband) dad had a sudden heartattack and died at just age 58. It was utter awful, his whole family esp his dad had provided me with such an amense amount of emotional support and helping me prepare for the worse with my mum and then the tables had turn and it was me having to but my issues to one side. I telephoned my mum and dad they were heartbroken also as you expected and I shouted at my mum as she said that she felt quilty as she has been so ill and he had gone before her! From the 16-22 hardly spoke to my mum on the phone, she was finding it very hard to breath so would just send me a text message to let me know that she loved me! I hardley saw much of her this week, tims family needed me more really at that very sad time. I kept in touch with the lovely nurses on a daily basis who told me that everything was working well and she would be back fighting fit soon. From all the time my mum has been in hospital and with what happen to my father-in-law I always have my phone on loud and by my bed. at 420am on Sunday 23rd Nov the nurses rang me and said my mum needs me to get up ASAP she's been asking for both me and my dad, they told me they haven't been able to get hold of my dad. I told them I would be up in a flash (I live about 15 mins away from the hospital) I had to rush my baby around to my mother-in-laws and me and tim set off to the hospital whilst my sister-in-law rang the police for me to bang my dad up, in the mean time I had got hold of a family member who lived close by to my dad and told her to bang on the door until he got up and ask them to bring his to the hospital (my parents house is about 35-40 mins away from the hospital) We arrived at the hospital and the nurses took me in to the day room, my heart skipped a beat I thought I was to late, they said she was in a very bad and she only had minutes left and I should prepare myself, we walked in ... that wasn't my mum, she asked me not to cry as she didn't want to, she told me how much she loved me and that I was the most important person in her life and some other very emotional things, she asked me to call her brothers and sisters and tell them how much she loved them and to say goodbye, it was heartbreaking but I did what she asked, she kept saying she couldn't hold on for my dad to get there and all i kept asking her was to wait 5 more minutes. The big consultant took me outside and told me that if her lungs stop working they would not take down to ICU as it wouldn't be in her best interest, he then came and told my mum the same, in a panic she said why won't they fight, they're not going to kill me now are they! I didn't want my mum in that pain she was in but my god I didn't want to loose her there and then, not yet, not without my dad and my grandma to say goodbye ....... (I know you can't show emotion here but I am sobbing and I promised I wouldn't) Remarkably she overcame it, my dad came, my grandparents, her bothers and sister and she made a 360 turnaround, it was like another person sat there a couple of hours later. I finally left the hospital at 8pm Sunday night with a slight relief and that she might get a bit better, my dad had pomise he wouldn't leae her again and the hospital agreed that he could sleep in her room. Late monday my mum asked me to go as I was upsetting her me being there, it wasn't my mum, it was a frail lady, who was so thin, high on mophine, her teeth where already decaying, and she hadn't eaten/drinken in around 4days she asked me to leave and mimed I LOVE YOU SO MUCH as she couldn't speak, I told her me too and kissed her on her forhead! Tuesday 25th November, my father-in-laws furneral, went as well as these things do I guess, at the wake my great uncle came over and said you need to get the hospital now ... In a funny way I laughed knowing that was typical her waiting for me not to have any other stresses (as we had burried tony) rushed up and my dad hugged me straight away (i knew it was bad as he rarely shows his emotion) he said that there was nothing more they could do for her so they are stopping everything, just keeping her comfy and letting nature take its course. He shouted and said we shouldn't have left the wake etc... he said now that I've said my goodbyes if I respect his wishes and allow him to just be with here and that the next time he speaks to me the angels will have done their job and taken her to heaven! That call came 1.02pm on Wednesday 26th November and a little piece of me died too :( Things aren't the same at all, we're just coping for the sake of coping esp for my little boy Ellis. He goes up to the pics of tony and my mum and kisses them as he knows who they are! Christmas was shocking, I'm not sure how we all made it through We asked for donatations to Rosemere at my mums furneral, family flowers only, so far we raised £980 in her memory, she was loved by so many people! My fashion show was meant to be at the end of Jan but had to put that on hold for a while, but I'm even more determine to hold it in her memory! She died sadly aged just 42 Will add to this soon.... I hope my words can help others going through this, just to let you know your not on your own All my Love Vikkie xxx

struggling to cope, no matter what your age is!

2008-10-27T13:48:49Z

Hi, my name is Vikkie I’m 24 and an only child to my amazing parents Lynne and Peter. I’m just trying to understand everything a little bit better, if that’s possible. My mum was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer a few years ago at stage 2b, she underwent radio & chemotherapy and came out fighting at the other side! Last year I found out me and my boyfriend was expecting our first child but towards the end of my pregnancy my mum seemed to get very weak and frail and lost around 2/3 stone in wait, constantly being sick, not being able to eat and constantly collapsing. 12 days before I give birth to our beautiful baby boy I had to rush my mum to my local hospital and in the first 24 hours she had 12 litres of fluid, my mum was in hospital for 22 days. She was over the moon to see her grandson for the first time. From then my mum has been in and out of hospital so much, having to go into isolation as she is too weak and can pick up any type of infection, she got so weak she couldn’t hold my son with no explation as to what was wrong. Earlier this year her consultant said that her Lymthnods were quite swollen and the best thing for her was 8 sessions of chemotherapy which would make her even weaker and very poorly. Mum being the brave person that she is agreed to it as she could see the end in sight knowing she would be better for my wedding in July and to enjoy her grandchild. Mum got worse, the chemo was so aggressive as it stood 2 days before my wedding to the man of my dreams she was still in hospital, we cancelled our honeymoon and debated on what we should do about the wedding but as my mum told me, nothing on the planet would have stopped her being there proud as anything and the hospital let her out. She was fantastic, amazing, like a different women to the women who had been fading away from me and my dad. My makeup artist was a chief makeup artist on Coronation St so my mum felt like a true star with her makeup and hair! She was so amazing and I don’t know between us who was the most proud! Mum finished her 8 sessions in September, and everyone was so excited that she was going to be getting better but 2 weeks ago she was rushed in to hospital as she couldn’t walk, hardly breath and was in so much pain and distress, the doctors confirmed that her kidneys were leaking, along with fluid collecting on her liver, heart and lungs! Luckily most things corrected itself and the fluid went off her liver and heart but after an x-ray they discovered one of her lungs had a number of clots in, but the lung the collapsed. No doctors could make sense of the x-rays and her consultant described it as a pile of mess! Mum had a stent placed in her last week and the doctors have talc her lung to the wall to stop any more fluid collecting. I went to see her last night and took my son to see her as he has just turn one but she was in hospital so missed his birthday, both the eyes lit up the second they saw each other and Ellis (my son) grabbed her so tight and give her a big kiss and hug .. it was heartbreaking! My mum and dad sat me and my husband Tim down and told us its Lung Cancer, and that her consultant was initially going to start chemo but now he is unsure as he wants my mum to enjoy what time she has left. I’m left feeling so confused and hurt right now, she’s just turned 42, she can’t walk, and she is on permanent oxygen and morpheme. The consultant won’t give her a time frame, but I’m guessing it’s not long?! The most heartbreaking thing is that she said to me is that Ellis will never remember who she is or she will never meet anymore of her grandchildren. She’s not just my mum but my best friend to, we speak like 20 times a day on the phone to each other always ending in I love you ... I’m going to be lost without her and I can’t even begin to think how my dad is coping (well I know not very well but they’re both so proud to shout out and ask for help) him and my mum are soul mates! So this is me in a nutshell, you help, guidance and advice would be so so so much appreciated right now as I’m really struggling in my head and my heart Thanks Vikkie xx

vikkieb's blog

A double blow :( so so so so heartbroken

struggling to cope, no matter what your age is!