veekay

Feeling a bit lost and lonely

2010-09-05T09:36:53Z

Hello to every one, I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I feel that I'm not much use to any one on the site. I've tried to help anyone I can with comments which I thought would be of help but I'm not sure I have.

I am having a lot of emotional times, when thinking , talking about my cancer and answering questions from other people about prognosis etc. I don't know it's never been spoken of when I see my oncologist. He says we'll deal with each spot as we need to.

Someone I thought was a friend can't seem to find the time to txt let alone call or visit, when I asked her why the answer was "it's not contrived" what does that mean.

My daughter did so well in her GCSE exams considering all that has been happening this year and she did it on her own, without asking for the special circumstances she could have done, and I am so proud of her.

Everyone on here knows the battle I've had with secondary breast cancer, but what you don't know is when I was first diagnosed in 2007, my husband was recovering from an illness that tried it's damnest to kill him a couple of times and then he was on the brink again with a deep seated pneumonia, and it is only due to the wonder drugs that are available and wonderful dr's that he is still here and we are truly thankful for that but it can come back and kill him, so he has to take drugs every day to suppress his immune system and see's his consultant every 4 mths.

I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for me, Im trying to explain why I think I'm having so much trouble accepting that my cancer has come back and why I can't seem to get a hold of myself and give myself a good telling off.

Im sorry to say sorry to you all for babbling on and crying on the computer as I write. I'm not going to comment on the site for a while, I'm going on holiday in 2 wks, so hopefully when i get back I'll have got my head straight.

I wish you all well and Ill be thinking of you.

Vee. xxxxx

re hysteroscopy

2010-08-10T19:17:20Z

Hi folks,

Just wanted to update on test today. Very nice pleasant female registrar,very gentle and understanding of my difficulties re mobility.

Anyway lining of uterus very normal apart from one polyp, which could be caused by Tamoxifen. Biopsy taken but she said she was very confident it is benign and wouldn't cause any probs. Will wait for results but not worried.

Take care all.

Love Vee. xx

Hysteroscopy

2010-08-08T15:48:52Z

Hi all,

Just wondering if there is anyone who has had an hysteroscopy done, as I have to have one on Tuesday and it sounds horrific. I am also worried about how I'll get into the right position because of pain in back due to tumour on the base of my spine and sacrum.

Would really appreciate any information anyone has.

Thanking you all.

Best Wishes. Vee. xx

Holiday part 3

2010-07-31T18:13:17Z

Well I thought I had insurance sorted but now documents arrived not covered for anything cancer related, and my crutches and wheelchair aren't covered if they get lost in transit. Just replied on Shezbert post about the problems, why is it once you say cancer everyone runs for cover like you've got the plague.

I am not about to pop my clogs on the plane or anywhere else for that matter.

Feeling a bit stupid now thought I'd got it sorted but will spend the week-end looking for something more. Good job they give you 14 days to change your mind. LOL.

Oh well love and best wishes to you all.

Vee.xx

Holiday part 2

2010-07-27T21:25:12Z

Hi to all,

Following my last post, I have now got holiday insurance with The Nationwide and all very simple on line.

So now all I have to do is get excited, not had any sort of holiday for 7 yrs. Before I was diag with bc, my hubby was very ill.

Thank you all again for your help and advice.

Take care all.

Vee.xxx

Holiday

2010-07-24T17:38:29Z

Hello to everyone. this is a quick post to ask you for some advice. My two sisters are taking me on holiday in Sept to Corfu and I would be grateful if anyone has any advice on which travel insurance to use.

Any other advice on the holiday in general very welcome. thank you.

On the general health front I'm feeling ok not to bad at all really, pain is now under control and feeling quite good.

Still using crutches and wheelchair for long trips but day to day can get by with crutches.

Love and hugs to all.

Vee.xxx

An upsetting experience

2010-07-15T14:20:59Z

Hello to all my friends, I don't really know how to begin and if I make no sense then I'm sorry.Amongst the problem of my secondary breast cancer on my spine, it seems that I have an overly thick lining to my womb. anyway a biopsy of said lining came back clear but because it's not normal to have such a thickness it was suggested that they the oncology gynaecolgists would like me to have a camera inserted into the womb to have a look see.(those ladies that have had problems like this will know what this means). Now I am 53yrs old and I've had 5 children so internals and smears have never been a problem for me, but I did request that a female doctor perform said procedure. No problem I thought until last week when I arrived to have this done, on arriving at the clinic I was told it was a male doctor who would be doing it. Now I'm not stupid I know that if there is a chance there is a cancer in the uterus then obviously the sooner it's found and treated then all the better for me. So I was prepared to have the procedure done there and then until I walked into the room to see the dr who was going to be in close proximity to my very private place.

First they had not got my case notes so no history of the fact that I have severe metatises on my sacrum(base of spine) and have dificulty lifting my legs to walk never mind point them towards the ceiling.

Then the whole persona of this man made me feel very uneasy and the nurse left the room so I was alone with him, please don't get me wrong he did nothing to me other than start to tell me what was about to happen, but when I asked a few questions like how many local anasthetics was he going to be using and where exactly, what would be the after effects etc. His tone of voice was quite stern and he sounded angry at me for asking. Still on my own no nurse. I was getting a bit tearful as I was feeling very anxious and this man actually sat there and told me I should be grateful for every day and smile.

I was getting very upset when the nurse returned and I told the dr I didn't like the way he was talking to me and then I said I didn't want him to do the procedure. He became all apologetic then, but I asked the nurse to please bring my husband down to me and the dr asked me if I wanted him to leave the room which I did.

Hubby very cross when he saw how upset I was and wanted to make complaint there and then, I wanted to just come home and try to work out why I had been so effected by this man.

We came home and I have spent the last week sorting out in my head what it was that upset me so much and having lost what little sleep I do get I have come to the conclusion that yes I am more emotional than I have ever been but that wasn't it , I've had some tough times in my life and got through them just like lots of other people especially here. The fact is that that doctor frightened me and I don't know why, but I trust myself and if someone is giving bad vibes I don't want them near me never mind doing such an intimate procedure you need to trust the person and I didn't.

So sorry it's been such a long winded post and I'm sure some of you will probably think for goodness sake woman get on with it. Idid request again a female doctor and the appt came this morning with a male. So letter of complaint is now on it's way.

Oh forgot to say went to see GP about it and she was appalled at my treatment and advised us to complain.

Love to all.

Vee. xx

Side effects

2010-07-05T22:07:10Z

Hello to all, been in a lot of pain recently, new chest pain right in the middle of my sternum, feels very deep in my chest but also tender to touch.

Saw oncologist today and he says it could be my bone disease or it could be a side effect to the biphosphonate Ibandronic Acid as the pain started about the same time as I started the new drug.

So I have a week not taking it and see if the pain gets better, if it does then this means I can't take any biphosphonates at all. This is not good cause the reason for taking them is to stabilise the disease in the spine.

After all this today I feel much better and more at peace within myself. I can only do what I can do and nothing more.

I know that my journey with this disease will be a long one and at times it's going to be hard but today now I feel I can cope with whatever it throws at me.

only time will tell but I'm going to do my best to be as well as I can and in the words of a very wonderful lady. "cancer can kiss my a**e.

Love to you all and thank you for all your kind words I've rec'd to my other posts.

Take care Vee. xxx

One of those days

2010-06-27T10:03:12Z

Hello to all on this beautiful sunny morning.

Yesterday was one of those days, well one of a few really, but yesterday topped them all. Nothing very dramatic really, it just seemed it yesterday.

Last week we bought a gas bbq, not a big all singing all dancing one, just a small one big enough for the 3 of us. Nothing could be easier to set up, hubby did all no problem. So far so good until we came to buy the gas yesterday to use it. Instructions in very bold writing use Propane gas only NOT PATIO GAS.

OK armed with this info off we set to buy said gas, arrived and the regulator needed for a propane gas bottle isn't the one on our bbq hubby says, so we come home to check (6 mile round trip). No the regulator on our bbq is guess what it's for PATIO GAS. LOL.

Off we go again sure of what we need to do, buy a new regulator so we can use our lovely brand new shiny toy. Said item promptly purchased and gas bottle so we can now use our lovely new bbq. BUT the cost of the gas and the new regulator came very close to the cost of the bbq in the first place.

Never mind at last we eventually sat down to eat our first dinner cooked on our lovely new gas bbq. the only meal hubby has enjoyed cooking for the last 8 months.(he took over the cooking last year when it became impossible for me to be able to stand long enough to prepare and cook a meal).

I can now manage to prepare a sandwich lol. Oh just had a thought does this mean from now on until winter or beyond we will be eating bbq EVERY DAY.

I'm pretty sure everyone has days like mine, just wanted to post a more lighthearted blog than I have recently.

Love to you all and hope we all get more good days, enjoy the weather and don't forget the sun screen.

Vee.xxx

feeling bit down and out don't know why

2010-06-20T18:55:19Z

Hi to all, not sure where to begin. Feeling pretty rough for the last week or so and not really sure why. Been taking Ibandronic Acid for the last month and can only assume these are some of the side effects that go with it. To start with I have a pain in the middle of my chest which my GP says is a pulled muscle, ok but hurts like hell.I have a frozen shoulder right side from using my wheelchair which is too wide and my right hip hurts,(GP diagnosis bursitis), can't take any anti-inflammatory pills because of above drug so have the gel instead.(not working very fast).All very minor things on their own but altogether a bit much for me to deal with. The big thing that is really getting me down is since starting this drug I sometimes have trouble swallowing not when I eat or drink just generally.

All the above could be due to drug as stated in leaflet or not I don't know and that's what's getting me down.

Well folks that's my moan for now, can't talk to family they panic and start bossing me about and that goes down like a concrete balloon, so sorry to bore you all with my ranting. Hopefully all will be better soon.

Love to all.

Vee xx

Hello feeling stronger now

2010-06-08T17:07:27Z

hello folks, it's been a while since my last blog and the reason why is I just haven't been able to cope with it all.

I am now feeling stronger and back to being me and not Vee with secondary cancer. I have been suffering for weeks with a really painful neck that the pain meds just didn't want to shift on the dose I was on and I ended up in A&E having x-rays, thankfully no cracked vertebrae. So where was the pain coming from and what was the cause, the onc thought it was the tumour on C2 which really frightened me and sent me spiralling downwards through all the negative thoughts of what if I can't beat this, how was I going to cope and I was unable to talk to family and friends without breaking down.

Well the turning point for me was when I recieved my copy of the letter the onc sent to my GP in which he started the letter with "This Unfortunate woman". well I can tell you people this made me quite cross to say the least, I have a name and how dare he refer to me in that manner, this was just what I needed to kick start me. I upped the meds and went to see GP bout neck, it turns out I am so stressed all my tendons and muscles around my neck have gone into a spasm and trapped a nerve, It is now much better and it won't be long before I can actually lie down in bed instead of being propped up.

I had an ultra sound of my pelvis last Thursday and got the results yesterday, they show I have a thick lining to my womb which is thicker than normal, so now in July I have to have an Hystoroscope to have a look see, hopefully nothing to be concerned about and no point in stressing about it.

Everyone of you who bother to post on my blog I thank you as your words of encouragement mean a lot and I really appreciate them , as I know you all have your own probs to deal with and I hope I can help anyone who wants it.

Love and hugs to you all.

Veexx

not a good day

2010-05-22T21:39:57Z

Hi to all,

Today is the third day when all I want to do is cry. I feel totally miserable and I don't know why, as now the pain is more under control I should be feeling better and I don't.

Feel better by late afternoon but mornings are so uncomfortable and by the time it's bed-time I feel shattered again.

When initially diagnosed in 2007 went through the treatment with not a tear shed, but now I think it's just hit me hard. I'm sorry to be miserable but if I speak out loud about how I feel I just break down.

I don't think I can continue this for now.

Talk soon.

Vee.

Well That's that then.

2010-05-19T18:59:15Z

Hello to all, hope you're doing as well as you can, sunshine predicted all week-end get the bbq's out.

Saw Mr oncologist himself on Monday, results from MRI liver all clear, so mets on spine only, mainly sacrum, but some thoraxic and cervical they seem stable for now. Should have started on Ibandronic Acid to keep things stable but guess what the hospital pharmacy had run out. LOL. so will start them tomorrow, anybody else taking these pills.

McMillan nurse came today lovely lady and she won't visit again unless I need her, but my label is " surviving with cancer ". A good thing I think . Also she has to change my chair as it is to big and won't go thro the door. And Hubby not Tarzan(he thinks he is.)

This week-end I will see my two grown up sons for the first time since secondary diagnosis. Stuart is a mummy's boy and very touchy feely, and Simon is the strong silent one. It will be very difficult for me as I haven't really gone into a lot of detail with them, but at least I don't look so ill anymore, more like very tired.

Still waiting for ultra sound from gyne not heard a word glad it's an urgent one, will give them till Friday then I'll call them.

My darling daughter starts her study leave today and her first GCSE exam on Friday so really pleased things have settled down and she hasn't got me going to hospitals for tests all the time, so can concentrate on them.

Speak to you all again soon.

Love and hugs.

Vee.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

what next

2010-05-11T17:38:49Z

HI to all,

Well good news last Friday, spot in breast is just scar tissue. This only after alot of questioning of registrar cos consultant nowhere to be seen and left them I was not in the mood to be passed by again so mammogram ordered and checked by chief radiologist no less. Should not have to get cross for simple answers to simple question. Is spot in breast cancer or not.

Monday started with clinic appt at gynaecology waited over 2hrs to be seen, had biopsy of uterus and told need urgent ultra sound scan but wait, they're not doing anymore today so one coming thru post. (some urgency).something going on with lady bits. It's now 1pm and at 2pm I'm having an MRI of liver, so hubby grabs quick sandwich and coffee, I can't eat or drink until after scan.

Had bit of a stiff neck last couple days but getting up off scan couch caused intense pain and almost passed out. scan tech said go to A&E while you're here.

Thought they may think I was wasting their time but went anyway.saw a lovely lady doc and she took all recent history of mets down spine and ordered neck x-ray. All was clear thankfully and I was very reassured I wasn't wasting their time and if I get any other unexplained pain or numbness to go straight to A&E if out of GP hours. Upped pain meds and feeling bit better today.

Love to all.

Vee.xxxxxxxxxx

Hi to all, update on meds.

2010-05-02T17:44:04Z

Well after last Weds and feeling really rotten, saw Mc nurse and she dropped dose of break through by 5mg and I do feel much better. so looks like these new meds working on back and leg pain at last.

Still got stiff neck and ribs feel sore when I breathe in so took advice and had couple duvet days. See how it goes this week, when they tell you that there are good and bad days silly me thought you'd work gradually down but it hits you like a ton of bricks, but you don't go up as quick that takes longer.

Waiting for hubby and daughter to come back they are football and sports photographers so they work every week-end and hubby couple nights week.

His office is at home so he's here with me during the day and as season nearly over we switch to tennis and cricket. But we do manage to get out for day trips, hopefully I'll be up to going. Wheelchair on order so that will be a huge help.

Love and hugs to all.

Vee.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx