Untitled until further notice (:

6/7

2011-06-07T21:22:27Z

I've been not feeling too well lately, had scans come back though and have had 46% reduction since March. always good to know chemo is doing it's job, my husband and I are very happy with 46, now onto 50

Inside Ellen's Head..

2011-05-16T02:21:04Z

The other night, I phoned my mom. I wasn’t sure what I needed, you never outgrow wanting to hear your mother’s voice. We talked for a long while, and I told her how frustrated I was with postponing chemo and things not seeming to go according to plan. The next day I went on to find an email waiting from my mom. It had an enclosed video and a quick note – Praying with you… you know this already, here’s a refresher

When I opened the video, I quickly realized how familiar it was. In March I had spoken at a women’s conference at my Church. I talked about my journey with cancer and God, and especially about our plans versus God’s plans.

Revisiting what I said in this video really struck me. God has a plan for my life, and it just so happens to include cancer. He didn’t put me on this Earth to mess with my head; He put trials there in order for me to grow in my faith with Him. I’m learning to not be so focused on the future; what I need to know is right here, and the rest is in God’s hands.

Looking back, I see myself losing myself in the future so many times, an imaginary future that wasn’t God’s future. Last May, my husband and I returned from a vacation. I was in remission, we were coming back to finish up a mastectomy & have recon, and then put cancer behind us. As it turned out, that wasn’t what was in store for me. May 10 I was diagnosed with breast cancer the second time, and started chemo shortly after.

I see this happening again just this winter. Jack and I are looking into trial treatments, sifting through so many papers and getting opinions thrown at us every which way. We had finally settled on a trial for us, and where just praying for the strength to get us through the new experience. A call comes, and a few steps later the trial is slipped out from under us. I’m feeling angry and disappointed at this point, but Jack was able to see it differently. He explained to me… God was showing us that he didn’t want this trial. For whatever reason we couldn’t see, it wasn’t for our family. (3 rounds and 35% reduction later, things are starting to make sense!)

3 months later that seems like a surefire sign to me, but at the time, it was hard to grasp. What I’m trying to get out of things now is this; what’s coming isn’t up to me. I can try as hard as I want and plan the future, and maybe some things will go the way I want. Other things won’t, but what I can do is pray for acceptance and strength with God’s plans, and give thanks. Easier said than done, but I know my fate isn’t doom; no one’s is. While things are going according to God’s plan, instead of feeling like things didn’t work out again, I’m going to around me, and praise God. I’ll praise him for my husband, for Seth and Emmarie, for always being there for me. For giving me the Church and all of the support in it. I’ll thank him for everything that seems to be spiraling downhill, because I’ll know he’s waiting for me, and ready to listen to what I have to say.

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5

I’m praying to accept God’s will with thanks. I know I jumped all over the place in this, but I really tried to make my thoughts as clear as I could. If you’re one to pray, please say an extra prayer for my family and I in accepting what’s to come. Sorry for a lengthy confusing post, I just needed the extra reminders myself to accept God’s plan with thanks, not being so stuck on my own. If this made sense to anyone else, great as well.

'The Plan'

2011-02-26T23:57:16Z

I'll try and make this short and sweet...

In regards to the trial we had been thinking of doing, there where some logistics issues in having the tissue released and we wouldn't find out for another 4 weeks. I may or may not qualify for that, but onc thought it would be in my best interest to not just wait it out. So in the meantime I'll be starting chemo, relatively soon, no date set yet. This will consist of one FDA approved IV chemo as well as a trial oral chemo... My husband and I are praying that this is the path for us, would love prayers, thoughts..

Expect the unexpected, a lesson to learn...

2011-02-25T00:38:29Z

I've been recently waiting for results on qualifying for a trial. My husband and I where told last week we'd find out the results this week, so I was getting really anxious as the week went on. About 6 oclock I found my answer, and about 1,000 more questions..

Around quarter after 5 the phone rang with Karmanos (clinic) on the ID... this alone gave me the butterfly-stomach feeling. I was told they were unable to obtain my tissue samples they were switching me to a different trial. I was extremely unprepared to hear this, and well as disappointed. After the initial confusion of it, the expert cancer patient questions started pouring out. I overwhelmed the man on the phone, he wasn't planning on that. He said he was forwarding the trial information to me, and I should email my questions to oncologist.

My husband will be home soon enough, and we'll weed through another trial... This should be continued tomorrow, when I know exactly what's going on. I'm feeling frustrated really, not feeling crying or anything... My emotions will probably catch up with me tomorrow. Frustrated and surprised... Please be praying for my family with this xx

If you're one for praying..

2011-02-15T19:56:23Z

Wishing for prayers or luck or thoughts... whatever you believe. Signed off some papers to release my pathology slides from May to be sent for further testing... almost felt like signing for a house. These tests will determine wether my cancer cells over express themselves causing them to mutate. It will be about a week before we find out the results and the results will determine which trial we qualify for. if this is the road we go down I'll be spending 2 days in the first day of March in detroit for my pretesting phase.. scans, labs, and meetings. So thanks for reading & prayers x

My trip to Karmanos

2011-02-09T02:28:17Z

This is my first blog entry. Quite frankly, I have no idea what to put in it. So this is dedicated to my trip to Karmanos, my new clinic. This is a new step in my cancer experience, a complete change from before... I worked where I had been getting treatment before, so I felt very at home.

This first trip happened on Monday, got up early seeing as how it's across state. We (my husband, sister in law, and I) got there at 930 am. We registered & had labs done, then went to the exam room & for the first time met Dr. LoRusso. I came with a bit of a bitter attitude for many reasons... mostly being that I didn't want to start doing this over again.

Working in medicine, I have the patients who get annoyed having to go through their seemingly endless medical history once again... I don't blame them, but in all honesty, they inspire me... to be peppy. I don't want to be a witch. Luckily, Dr. LoRusso was a nice surprise, I seemed to be blessed again with another wonderful doctor. She was a lot like my old doctor, in the way she shows love for her patients and passion for what she does. We went over everything that's gone on the last few years, I almost felt like she knew me better than me, at least in a cancer aspect.

She told us that she had passion for what she does, and it made me feel almost important in a way? I really can't explain it... good that she cared, and that I wasn't just signing her paycheck, I suppose. She explained to us that she lost her brother and both her parents to cancer at the age of 15. She also asked for prayers about the $6 million dollar grant she applied for for funding research for triple negative breast cancer... if one for praying, there's something to include.

Over an hour and a half, we discussed a lot of things, never came to the ultimate conclusion about what's next. We have a general idea, that's how we came to Karmanos anyway, but nothing like a plan yet.

When things got emotional was when Dr. LoRusso brought up more chemo... I had been fine until then, but this was when I start crying. It was more embarrassing than anything, honestly. Jack explained that for selfish reason and after just getting out of 7 months of chemo, we where hoping for something different this time. When my husband was just looking out for our family was when I just turned into a sobbing mess... felt stupid and relieved at the same time, which is what seems to happen whenever I cry at inconvenient times. She completely understood and said she wanted to give us quantity with the most quality. I told her that choice has been the hardest for me... I always want the best of both worlds, which can't always be possible. She said she knew it effects so many people and wants to help us make the right desicion.

As for what's coming next, she said she'll talk to Dr. Wicha, currently in Madrid, about potential options. We got home in time for my son to get off the bus at 4 and eat dinner with my parents. I sometimes wish I could hug and kiss all this out their lives... but while I'm in a good mood, that's not something I'm going to think about. So now I'm going to wrap up my very first blog post. This wasn't meant to sobering or anything, I'm honestly not all that sure why I wrote it, but I don't feel like it was a waste of my time.... my brain feels sorted, a rare occurrence, haha.