Uncureable... the word that made my life fall apart

Vampire me

2011-07-25T19:10:33Z

Blood transfusion number 3 :/ Been feeling sleepy for last couple o weeks and have been taking naps throughout the day which have gradually been getting longer as the days go by. I honestly thought i had just been doing too much and was needing to rest.

Yesterday i began to worry and think something was wrong i spent the entire day in bed got up for a bite to eat and had to go straight back to bed i was tottally exhausted. So this morning when my district nurse arrived to provide my hickman line care i asked her if she could give my bloods a check to ensure everything was ok.

So this afternoon my GP called me and told me my bloods had dropped an unbelieveable amount and that i had to be blood transfused as soon as possible. within 10 mins he had arranged a bed for me at the beatson and i was on my way for my transfusion. It just goes to show that some Gp's actually give a damn.. and i have met a good few who havent cared at all which is so frustrating and makes it such a pleasant experience when you get some attention and care:)

I'm hooked up and waiting for my couple of pints of blood to arrive noo so hopefully be rosey cheeked and fresh tomorrow when i meet up with my consultant and some sort of action plan for my treatment.. fingers crossed x

So confused

2011-07-22T23:44:02Z

Everything was going to be okay, just a dark tunnel to go through but they always say there is light at the end of the tunnel. Putting on my brave face i took in the fact that it was cancer and that it was going to be a struggle but just kept thinking of how it was just going to take up a year of my life then i would get rid and live happily ever after...but lifes never that easy.

A few days ago i had an appointment with my surgeon whom was going to be removing my stomach. I was nervous because this meeting was to provide me with dates n details of my surgery and losing my stomach honestly scared the hell out of me. I was not prepared for the news the surgeon gave me though. UNCUREABLE was really the only word i could take in. the surgery was no longer an option the cancer was more "aggressive" than first thought and now spread into my liver,

I am 19 how can this be happening to me? What do i do now? How can you possibly functiion knowing that there is something taking over your body and there is nothing you or anyone else do about it.

Worst part...i hate putting my family through this.

Is it a cheek for me to smile when they are hurting so bad? should i go out and have fun? how can life now continue? its like nothing really matters anymore.. i no longer have the light at the end of the tunnel.