There's something to tell you about mum...

Mum's gone, just like that

2009-11-25T01:03:12Z

It's been a week since Mum died. Just like that, so unexpected.

I'm going to try to make sense of it here.

Mum was doing well, really positive.

She fell, but seemed ok. Have discovered that she couldnt use her legs after that.

Monday

Last Monday she had problems breathing and was taken to A+E. She was responding, sitting in bed, with oxygen. It just seemed like a temporary problem of some kind. We stayed at A+E into the wee small hours, until they decided to keep her in.

Tuesday

Spoke to Dad on Tuesday morning. He said Mum was having problems swallowing. After work I left to visit her. She didn't look good. I sat with her and chatted. She didn't speak. She had her oxygen mask on. Lots of mucus, trying to spit. But she responded with sounds and laughed at some of the stories about the children. I left when visiting time started and some of the family arrived.

Wednesday

Went to work. Dad called to say Mum was being moved to a private room. It would be good if I could leave work early. I went after lunch. I met my wife and the children outside the hospital. Dad and my sister were sitting with Mum. She looked bad. She wasn't very responsive. She was uncomfortable.

My daughter, who is very close with her Nana, wondered what was wrong, and touched Nana's hand.

Close family came and went. Mum spoke from time to time. She was becoming more uncomfortable, especially in her chest. She couldn't shift the mucus. She said she wanted her babies there. She made a music joke (one of her things). She said she loved us.

We were all there except for one sister. We wanted to arrange for one of the injections to help with the mucus. I found it hard and went outside for some air. On the way out my sister arrived and saw I was upset. Dad came to see if I was OK. The phone rang, they were putting in a tube to suck out the mucus.

As we arrived back everyone was waiting outside. Then the nurses let us in together.

Something bad was going on. Mum didn't have her oxygen mask any more. Everyone was wailing. Mum was very still. I wasn't sure what was going on, though it was obvious. Just like that.

We stayed for an hour. Leaving was very very hard. I didn't want to leave. I really didn't want to leave Mum all alone.

I came home but wanted to go back. It was devastating. My wife told me she wished she had gone back after her Dad died, and she phoned the hospital for me.

I went back and sat, for an hour, talking to Mum and saying prayers. I would have stayed. I made myself leave at midnight. I felt quite peaceful after that.

What to do with myself

2009-10-17T20:42:33Z

Today I don't know what to do with myself. Am finding it hard (who here isn't?). I don't think I can talk to anybody, but I know I should. I should let go, let it out, I know. I don't even want to share what I'm putting here with people I know (have just insulted my wife by not showing her).

Have found something I can do though - I can hide behind my 1 year old!. Even though she's not trying to comfort me, she's very comforting just to hide behind. When dad came over with the news, I sat her on my knee and literally hid behind her as she played on my knee.

Wilful ignorance

2009-10-12T22:43:44Z

I've found a coping mechanism. It's called not thinking about it. Also known as pretending everything is fine. For some of the time I've even been able to persuade myself that there's nothing up and mum will be fine forever.

In the beginning I wilfully said to myself "OK, this is real. It IS happening". I thought I would get used to it. How do you get used to it? Do you start grieving now? I spent a while panicking about whether it's going to be horrible for mum (not wanting to spell out how it could be horrible - why should someone so special have to suffer?). Will it be quick or slow? It was a kind of resigned acceptance.

I thought that after that you were supposed to move on a stage, but I think I've moved back into denial.