The day my life changed

so much has changed in such a short space of time

2010-03-18T20:04:00Z

well i have not wrote on here for a while as i have been poorly but i thought i'd update you now that i'm back on track.

it all started 4 weeks ago while i was having a break after chemo to go onto chemo/radiotheraphy, my symptoms started to get worse, i started to develop some lower back pain and i had a bladder issue to, so i went to my doc and was admited straight away to my local hospital, i was transfered to my usual hospital the next day and i received emergency chemo and a pet scan, i stayed in hospital while they monitored me, results were not what we hoped for more infected lymph nodes in pelvis and up and down my spine my tumour had also grown.

they decided not to give me the chemo along with the radio and just do radio on its own, as they were now having to cover a larger area if they gave me chemo it would have made me too poorly, they know best so i thought ok thats fine.

My tumour has corroded part of my bladder so i have had bilateral nephrostomy's put in, not at all pleasant but it has sorted out a problem. And i am learning to cope with them they have been in 3 weeks now.

I have now completed 18 external radiotherapy sessions another 7 to go, and so far have done well skin ok, not liking the loose bowels but i'm coping, i just cant tolerate food at all just now makes me sick and i have had to have 1 transfusion.

I start my internal radio 8th of April and have 4 lots of that to get through.

I have had a few lengthy talks with my oncologist about treatment and prognosis and admittedly i have known from the start the stats showed me a very poor prognosis, she has told me its very unlikely they can cure me only prolong things hopefully. we also spoke of time, i will not write what she has told me as i just wont believe it, i am not in denial i have used it wisely to prepare things for my family, but even though it has been a tough few weeks i do not feel unwell yes i am tired and suffering from side effects of the treatment. I just dont understand how someone can give me x amount of time, as the way i see it i am still going through treatment etc it might just work. There is hope and i believe miracles do happen. And most of all i know they can get things wrong.

love Sarah x x

new treatment plan

2010-02-05T11:10:01Z

well as i thought and my oncologist thought too surgery isnt an option so she has decided to put me on chemo radiotherapy, cistplatin weekly with the radio for 6 weeks. plus internal radiotherapy afterwards. This new treatment is to start in 3 weeks or so once my bloods are back to normal and scans are done ( i have pet scan on 19th). i am not sure how i feel about all of this just scared,worried, nervous, alone everything to be honest. my mind is in overdrive about what ifs and all that and i am normally such a positive person but just now i've hit a hole and i know give it a few days i'll give myself a kick up the arseand i'll be back to old self again but finding it hard to be positive. Oh i am sorry for my rant i prob dont make any sence

love sarah x x

My Mri results

2010-01-21T14:11:10Z

Well yesterday i got my results of an mri they did last week the good news is the tumour has shrunk and it hasn't spread but the infected lymph nodes have not shrunk or changed as much as hoped or would have liked, so i have to go for chemo on Monday as planned, as she said another lot won't do any harm while we wait to decide what to do.

She told me she didn't think the surgeons would operate with the lymph nodes being the way they are but she will put my case forward at the mdt meeting in 2 weeks, if they dont do it my treatment will be changed to chemo once a week and radiotheraphy daily she never said how long and i forgot to ask. I dont know how i should feel about the results she said it was "good". The appointment went by all so quickly and i never got round to asking the questions i wanted to ask but i will see her on Monday and i will make sure i have my list ready.

I just wanted to share these with you all.

Hoping all is well

Take Care

Sarah x x

just when you think your doing well

2009-12-20T10:52:43Z

i am sitting here shaking i do not know how i feel i cant explain it properly just not right, i am just so easily frustrated at the moment and my mood is awful, its so close to xmas and i worry i am wasting the atmosphere i promised the kids i'd make cakes today but i just cant bring myself to do it or find the strength/energy. i had chemo mon/tues and uptill yesterday i felt ok, last night i started off with a sore neck and by this morning i am sore right down to my ribs especially under my arms, i am supposed to have a nurse come out at some point over the weekend but due to the weather i doubt if she will appear.

do you think i should call her or should i just wait and hope that she appears and if not go to the doc in the morning. i'd hate to think i was wasting her time if it were for nothing. Maybe i'm just needing a rant oh i dont know but i feel bloomin awful.

love sarah x x

Getting on with things

2009-11-21T11:38:53Z

hello well its been a goodish week i had my ct scan on the wed and i got the all clear- well the cancer hasn't spread out of my pelvis area so it was good news. i start chemo on monday but i am a tad confused as when she called yesterday we had a talk about side effects etc but she would go into it more on monday. i asked her roughly what time i'd expect to be home i thought about lunch and she said it'll be two full days of treatments so it will be evening/night before i am able to go home, to start with she said it would last 16hrs i thought ok but she said its going to be reapeted on the tuesday. i am so confused, maybe i have picked her up wrong guess i'll just wait till monday now. i have the joy of talking to the kids tonight it has to be done. i have not been in a lot of pain this week which is great and i got pills for my bleeding which has been fab, i also got the swine flu jab on tuesday the kids and hubby got it too, just sore arms nothing to major to report with it as i know some people have had a bad time with it.

The only other thing is i feel bloody great, I have had alot on this week that has taken away the thoughts and feelings about the "c"

is it normal to feel great and feel so strong at a time like this i seem to be the only person around me coping and acting normal. i havent surfed the net, i've talked openly about it and explained i feel ready i just want to get my life back as for a while there it was everywhere i looked, i know tomorrow it will more than likely hit me or monday when i drop the kids off early at the school breakfast club and my youngest 2 off at nursery. prob be pooing my pants on the way to the hospital and break when it starts but surely its a good thing to be strong just now

hope all is well today

Sarah x x

Not the news i wanted

2009-11-13T15:05:07Z

hello i am very upset as i write this so excuse me if i dont come out right

today i had my meeting with the oncologist she was a really lovely lady up till today i didnt know very much.

I have small cell cancer on my cervix which she said was very rare and the type i have is very aggressive, she said it is normally found in/on lungs.I also have infected lymph nodes which i knew. I am to go for a ct scan on wed coming. They cant tell me anything about prognosis as they do not know how me or the cancer c will react with the treatments. But if it has spread basically it doesnt look good even she was in tears having to tell me. I start my chemo on mon 23rd this month which is etoposide and cisplatin and i will be getting that overnight and back out the following evening. How many cycles i dont know as she never said just that once i have completed that i will get radiotherapy then surgery or surgery then radiotherapy. I am so scared right now as i really do not know what to expect can anyone in a similar situation please help me with any advice.

My tumour has grown almost 3 times its size in under 3 weeks.

Thank you for any advice

Love Sarah x x x x x x

What now?

2009-11-12T11:31:33Z

hi well i'm still sitting waiting think its all i've done over the last 2 and a bit weeks,had my call yesterday from my cancer nurse who said that she was away to see the oncologist who would get intouch with me, (they had the MDT meeting yest) i asked her how long it would all take as i really want to get this whole process started, all she said was soon. I'm banging my head off the bloomin walls here. i have done my house up got all my christmas shopping done, there really isnt anything else i can do to keep me amused. How long does it normally take? i know each person is different all i want is a date for something so i can get my head ready for it. i'm so frustrated.

Hope everyone is feeling good

Love

Sarah x x

The waiting is nearly over

2009-11-05T12:54:03Z

hi as some of you may know i was at my doctors last week due to me finding a lump and severe bleeding, well i was at my doctors again this morning about another problem i'm having, she asked me how iwas and if i had heard anything back about biopsy as nothing had come back to her, i explained that i'd heard nothing back and went for my MRI yesterday anyways she phoned his secetary and left a message. I got a call just after 12 today and all my doctor could do was comfirm that i do have cancer and my consultant or his sectary will be intouch today to arrange a meeting for tomorrow as he now has all my results. I am scared shitless to be honest. My doctor has been great and has always been upfront and truthful with me which i appreciate as i explained in my 1st post she was sure it was cancerous and got me seen the very next day, she didnt sound too great on phone she said to phone her tomorrow to let her know how i am.

its going to be one heck of a long night. the fear has came back. also i face going to see him alone tomorrow my daughter is unwell we got a letter from the nursery about swine flu as 14 children had been ill and this was the suspected reason, she became ill very quickly yesterday afternoon and still unwell today her temp down now but she is still not right, due to lack of family and my best friend just having a baby on friday there is only my husband robert to care for her.

ive always said this my whole life if it wasnt for bad luck i'd have none at all.

every time i do something good or get on with my life something bad happens and ruins it. Sorry i'm only feeling sorry for myself. Need a good cry into my pillow i think its hard though i'm trying so hard to carry on not letting the kids see or hear to much but its taken over my life every when i go, every person i seem to have met its a bloody hell of a disease effecting so many good people in this world

Sarah x x

How did you tell your children?

2009-10-28T16:25:27Z

Evening everyone!

what i am wondering is i have 4 children Jordan 8, Jessica 5, Candice 3 and Cameron 19months. I know this is a very delicate situation and i want to do what is right but i really dont know how to approach it at all. Jordan knows something is going, he is not silly although he doesnt know what! i have carried on as normal. I am waiting on the biopsy results hopefully be with me soon, i know it could be a few weeks before i need to say anything i just want to prepare myself in everyway mentally. i dont want to get upset as i know it will get them upset.

any advice would be much appreciated

thanks

love Sarah x x

the day my life changed

2009-10-27T04:06:11Z

Yesterday was the one day in my life i never thought that would happen- the day you are told you have a cancerous tumour- it's so true you never think that its ever going to be you. I have been having severe abnormal bleeding for a few weeks now and i took it to be down to the fact that i had the contaceptive implant placed just days before this bleeding started. I examined myself and i found what i would say is golf ball to tennis ball sized lump like you know when you blow a bubble and other bubbles form on top of it thats how it feltto me i was scared.

I have 4 children and a wonderful husband and i felt sick to the stomach how could this happen to me?? The hardested part of the whole day was needing to tell those ones closest to you just seeing them crumble brought tears to my eyes how can i be strong when i know i need to be strong for others. I am a sttrong person and i have been to hell and back over the years and came across so many hurdles this my largest so far and i am determined to find away. i need to i must!!

I see the specialist today to get all the tests done i am scared beyond belive. But i know today will juust be as hard physically and emotionally as yesterday and the next will be harder. I need to find my strength the one that will keep me going and i know one day it will come in the mean time it needs to sink in.

I have been up all night cant sleep reaserching on the internet all the different things that i can face getting my questions ready for today.I'll let you know how i get on when i return.Sarah x x x