It’s all happening so quickly now

Since my last post I’ve been for a PET scan and the breast surgeon called me 2 days later to tell me my lymph nodes have all shrunk down, I’m so happy about this, with it being lobular BC I didn’t expect much of a response…she gave me a date of 18th April for surgery but obviously that’s a bank holiday so bilateral mastectomy with auxiliary node clearance is on 21st April Scream

I have also seen the oncologist who explained that the tumour is not active at the moment, it’s asleep so having surgery so soon means hopefully it won’t have the opportunity to wake up, she asked me not to have my Trastuzumab and Pertuzumab on 8th but to wait now until after surgery.

Today I’ve seen my breast surgeon and signed all the paperwork so it’s all going to happen 2 weeks tomorrow Fearful and I will be seeing the breast care nurse with all the information on surgery day.

im so very anxious about losing my boobs! I know it’s really a no brainier I’m not going to refuse surgery am I but I feel very different now it’s almost happening than I did at the beginning, when I was diagnosed I was absolutely fine about the mastectomies… I just struggle with the thought of leaving hospital with no boobs and no reconstruction for 2 years, then I get angry with myself for feeling like this because I’d much rather have a life to live with no boobs than the alternative option….so why do I feel so anxious….I’m booked for some counselling on Wednesday of next week so hopefully that’s help me with some coping strategies.

I’ve also had a Reiki session with the Big C, OMG it was amazing, so relaxing, I didn’t at any point feel heat, cold, numbness, tingling or see lights but from the very start I just felt amazingly relaxed and I even woke myself up twice with a little snore See no evilSee no evil but the therapist assured me that she takes that as a compliment Face palm I’ve booked another one for May 11th hopefully I’ll be fit enough to attend, we are entitled to 6 sessions and I’d thoroughly recommend it.

When I reflect on my chemotherapy treatment I just dread the thought of needing more after surgery but again it’s better than the other option…I was warned that Docetaxel was “industrial strength” and it certainly felt like it, 3 or 4 days of feeling absolutely crap, literally struggling to climb the stairs, but this did pass…..then your left with the other side effects that hang around for basically the whole cycle….the sores up the nose, the mouth that feels like you’ve been chewing stinging nettles, the painful tongue, the painful fingers and nails, the peeling and shredding skin on the fingers, the taste loss and the diarrhoea is relentless, the constantly running nose and crying eyes, luckily I never suffered with nausea but did get tired, only to be expected……..BUT on the bright side, since I started in January I have used my 2 “good” weeks to complete the decorating, this was definitely not part of the plan but I have painted all the interior doors, painted 3 ceilings, painted the hall, landing and stairs and painted the lounge!! I even put my big girl pants on and used a roller, the thought of using a roller terrified me!!, G is going to paper the 1 wall in the lounge before surgery so I will be able to rest and recover from surgery feeling a great sense of achievement.

so if your dreading what’s to come with your treatment try to remain positive and when you really do feel crap in my opinion it’s fine to curl up and sleep/rest, and it’s fine to feel sorry for yourself too but please alway keep in your mind the better days ahead and try focus on those days to come ……...and they will come