Bummer....!

So long and thanks for all the fish

2013-10-30T08:26:32Z

I joined Macmillan when I had just finished my treatment for anal cancer back in 2011. I was a bit lost and didn’t know who I was and at that point whether I had a future or not. They were tracking ‘innumerable’ liver lesions, my lymph nodes and a nodule in my lung as well as the tumour site I had lost my confidence after being positive and silly throughout my treatment and was floundering out of my depth. My friends and family somehow thought great you are better now, back to normal and I wanted to be normal and get on with my life if I had one but then what did I have? Plus a whole pile of side effects and fatigue to deal with and a looming operation to put me back together even if the cancer didn’t spread or return.

Anal cancer is rare. The anal cancer group was empty when I joined. I wrote a post and held my breath wondering if I would get a reply and would they tell me to shut up and stop being silly…but I got a lovely reply from someone who had been through it a couple of years ago. No one currently in my group. So, I wrote a blog and got some replies. They made me smile. I wrote a few posts in a few places like Dumb things people say and found the perfect person at the perfect time. A lady called Sunny Leith.

Sunny was heaven sent (except she didn’t believe in heaven) and we chatted and joked and just found my soul mate and then we set up a thread called ‘For those with a warped sense of humour warning no punches pulled’ after we got worried that our humour and silliness would upset others on the other threads. I wrote my blog called ‘Bummer…!’ and the comments kept me going through those hard few weeks and months.

We laughed our way through the waiting for results and tough times and planning funerals and slowly we found others who found their place and joined Warped… and we became a family. The Macfamily and the circle closed round and we loved and laughed and shared. I got good news in that there wasn’t bad news 'so far so good' and started to build my life back and started phasing back to work. There was a post criticising us and Sunny left the site. I kept in touch with her via email until her death a year ago this month. I still miss her. Slowly the others got better and left the site and lived their lives and some became real friends in real life and others via email and facebook. Warped eventually ran out of steam (and the earlier posts stopped making sense when Sunny deleted all her posts when she left) and as we recovered and started to live our lives, the posts became less about cancer and more about other things and then I knew it was time to say goodbye to it and tucked up in the background for one day someone somewhere who might need somewhere to see the black humour in cancer to help them.

I thought about leaving the site myself but then another operation kept me around for a bit longer and then I was asked to be a Community Champion so I stuck around to give something back to a place that saved my life. My ‘living life’ if you see what I mean. I was lost and Macmillan helped me find myself and my confidence and what I needed at the most vulnerable time in my life. I felt and still feel I have to give something back. I hope I have helped a little bit along the way.

But I have found myself slowly withdrawing from the site over the past few months. I am finding that cancer is not the white noise it once was and I am forgetting it in-between the check- ups and all that and as I am defying the odds and seem to be doing ok, and livers and lungs seem to be ‘freckles on the inside’ I am back at work full time and living my life in the new normal that is far better than the old normal. I am finding it hard to reply to posts some days especially the new and scared ones as I think I am getting too far away from it after a couple of years down the line you lose a connection with how it was somehow.

I now know what is important and I know this might sound off but am grateful that I got cancer. It saved my life. It saved it in how I live it. And Macmillan and the wonderful Macfamily I met on here helped me find it. Who knows what the future might hold but that goes for all us cancer or not and I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to see what life was about before it was too late if that makes sense.

I can never quite put into words my gratitude to those people who helped me. I can't name them all and I will feel bad about naming some and not others but there are two special people who touched my heart and just 'got me' who are not here anymore so...

This post is dedicated to my two dearest of friends Sunny Leith and HilaryB who both died too soon. Others also have died along the way but most of them are out there living their lives and a few are still here helping others and giving their time and one or two still kicking that cancer up the arse good and hard. You know who you are. Thank you. Each and every one of you.

I have spent a couple of days with my ‘inside out friend’ that I also met on here. Last time we met cancer was top of the agenda. This time it wasn’t. Our lives are moving on and cancer is taking a back seat. It confirmed something I have been thinking for a while now….

It is time to go. It is time to leave.

I need to be able to forget the cancer in-between those 4 monthly check ups and I am getting too far behind to remember now to help others. I think this is the natural course of events. People get ready to leave and we wish them well on their way happy that they are going. It is right. It is how it should be. New people are here and helping and supporting each other and that is how it should be. There are new people in the anal cancer group picking up the reins to help and I feel I can step back and let them do it and slowly fade into the distance…. With a big fat smile on my face. It is time to go. Of course there is a sadness and a wrench too.

So, I am not going to close my account and I will pop in sometimes and will still get private messages and who knows what my next check up in December might bring and I might be right back here, but for now and today and this week and this month, I shall step back and say Goodbye. I will pop in from time to time but I won’t get emails by the dozen every day and I won’t be worrying about replying to posts and I will step down from being a Community Champion and I know that I am leaving things in the safest of hands.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart my dear dear Macfamily and thank you to each and every one of you for showing humanity at its best.

When we face the un-faceable and manage to stop to help each other along the way, that is something magical and powerful and wonderful and something to celebrate.

I wish you all courage and love and laugher.

And of course the biggest of Little My hugs

Little My x

So, Hilary this is goodbye....

2013-01-02T17:14:38Z

Dear All,

I am so sorry to tell you all that Hilary died this morning.

This is what Judy wrote...

I regret to have to announce that Hilary died in her sleep this morning around 7 am. She died in the knowledge that she was much loved and still thinking more about her friends and family than herself. She was the best friend a girl could have, and I can’t begin to tell you how much I will miss her.

I shall miss her so very much. I shall direct Judy to this blog if any of you want to leave comments for her and Hilary's family.

Safe Journey, my fabulous glorious outrageous Hilary.

The night sky will be brighter and Vallhalla will be ringing with the joy of a returning Warrior.

And as was her wont to give us all links to music for any occasion, which often had us howling with laughter... here is one just for you my friend....

Play it very very loud.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBmueYJ0VhA

I shall go and do something wholly inappropriate in your honour.

Little My x

BOOT! One in the you know where for Hefty...

2012-06-08T21:59:11Z

Well, that waiting for results game that sends us a bit bonkers is over… and the results are in:

Little My 2 Cancer 1 I am winning now and that feels good hahaaaa.

GC first thing this morning... drove there in the howling wind and rain and got there early. Got coffee and sat down, played guess the patient cos on bum day its hard to tell sometimes. There was an elderly couple and a woman with a stick opposite me. A lady’s name is called and they all stand up. I reckon it’s the woman with the stick, but its not, it’s the old lady who is running around fussing about everyone else and getting them tea etc! She did look really well haha.

I was first on the list so was sat waiting for bloods when my name was called. She then said Oh get your bloods first as you are next for them and then come in. Of course the blood lady then goes walkabout for ages and I start getting tetchy and nervous cos I know GC is waiting and I want to know what he has to say… Chat to the old lady who is now sat next to me saying this is her first time here and she’s brought her family with her. She says she is 80 and now got cancer…. I say whoo hoo for waiting that long. She laughs. She tells me she has a stoma and asks do I know what one of them is? Haha just had mine reversed says LM and have a bit of a chat before I get to go in and get stabbed by blood lady after about 5 mins of her prodding my arm feeling for something that might resemble a vein… . Good luck for results says blood lady and off I go.

I try and read the nurse’s faces getting weighed etc to see if they are smiley or sympathy and look at my notes to see if I can see anything, but nothing being given away… Oh and I’ve put on a kilo with all those full English breakfasts!! I am not skinny anymore I can tell you and would like to lose that kilo off again now…

Sit in room and wait for GC. I hear his new registrar woman talking outside and think oh no don’t want her, the only fun of coming here is seeing GC’s shiney face. Nurse pokes her head round and says Oh Gc’s gone to see someone else while waiting for you. He’ll be along soon. Yay, no Rolos wasted!

Tremble tremble quake quake and all the scary things start to be imagined…

Then in he bustles with his smiley face … he was really smiley and friendly today and shook my hand twice haha. He usually tells you the scan results as soon as he comes through to door to put you out of your misery and he didn't today so he sat down and started asking me all me all the usual questions about how I was and my bum and waterworks etc and I was thinking is he leading up kindly to...ah well, bad news or what? and then he says pop up on the couch so I thought oh sod this and asked him if the scans were ok? Was beginning to wonder if he had seen them or not! He said ooooh sorry I forgot I usually say when I come in but I just saw another lady who had results and got confused... yes they are ok. He then started on about Oh yes, we were tracking your nodule on your lung (wtf?????? no one has ever said anything to be before about having anything on my lung!!!!) and all those cysts on your liver...( which I did know about).. anyway he says they have not changed so he is thinking they might well just be 'stuff'' or part of me like you have freckles on the outside that are you and we have freckles on the inside too so he thinks these nodules and cysts might be ‘freckles on the inside' I rather like that idea of having freckles on the inside and doesn't sound so scary as nodules and lesions and cysts on your lungs and liver eh? But if they are not cancer then I don’t care what is there ha! And as long as they don’t change from where they are now, they can be what they like…

Lie on the couch, prod prod and he usually says ‘that feels good’ or ‘nice groin’ when prodding my lymphs- both of which make me snigger. It’s a that feels good day today haha. Roll over, here’s a cloth to preserve your dignity. Err, yeah right! That makes all the difference not. He was really kind this time and used his little finger to find his Rolos haha. Didn't have to bite the couch like normal... feels much better says GC.

Yup, for me too….

Anyway, lots of talk about poo as usual and he says’ I'll see you in 2 months’ and he's moving me to his other clinic as his other doc (FC) doesn't come in on a Friday and he's the other arse cancer specialist so he wants all the arse people (sorry anal people) to come on a Tuesday instead in case he is not there, then FC can see us instead.

'Better than someone else saying I'll have a look but not knowing what they are doing' says GC.

I'll say, says LM... and was thinking are there docs here who do that? hmmm don't want one of them...

So, a bit weird that I am down to 2 months again after 3 months for the last 2 visits ,and was expecting him to say 6 months… but not complaining really, as at least I am being looked after well and I get to see his shiny face a bit more often. I think he’s just a bit random, or at least I hope he is rather than there being a bigger reason for it.

School insurers need a letter from him saying I am fit to travel on our school trip so I ask him if he’ll write me one. Oooh of course you are fit to travel, stupid labels they put on people eh? He says.

I like him. Apart from being shiny faced and smiley and good at his job, he talks sense too.

So, Little My kicked cancer’s arse good and hard today and that makes me very happy. I do it for all of you too…

So after all the phone calls and texts to home and family and friends and a cup of coffee, I had no excuse not to go to school for a meeting which I did. The usual suspects were there… Sigh. My arch nemesis has got a job back here after stropping off years ago saying she goes or I go... she went after bullying me for years. She has been spoken to apparently, but still felt like crying but too good a day to spoil with crappiness so went for a swim which always stops my stressiness and remembered that GC good news outweighs all other bad news ever :)

My first ‘legal’ swim since my scab fell off and am allowed to swim now. GC said to me it was funny how the skin around my scar was lighter than the rest of my tummy. I just said hmmm yeah, maybe from last summer and the bag… didn’t dare tell him I had dried off in the sun after my swim the other week and got a bit of a tan on my belly except for where the dressing was of course haha.

I am very tired now after being on holiday with my son for a few days and driving home etc and the stress of waiting for results, cos however much you think you are not too scared and you think you will get good news, there is always that bit of you stressing that they would not be scanning you and seeing you every 2 months even after a year if there was not something to be watched out for… and statistically speaking… well, who cares now cos I kicked its crappy little arse into next week!

Off to look at kittens tomorrow. They are about 4 weeks old and at least one should be coming to stay with us soon hahahaaaa.

Thank you all for so many good wishes today, you really make me feel so loved and cared for that the scariness isn't half so bad. You are a special lot, even if you do all keep transmogrifying into other names and that.

I have been a bit careful to be anonymous in this one, so please don't say my son's name etc in your replies. I don't want to stop blogging or delete them all, but will edit the odd old one maybe....

Bernard St Bernard is trawling the blog with Champagne tonight. Help yourselves... :)

That will do for tonight. Big hugs to all my macfamily.

Little My xxx

ps for those of you that don't know, Hefty was what GC called my tumour... and I don't want to put titles like kicking cancer's ass as they will appear in google a lot and don't want that until admin get blogs hidden if we want them like that, which I hope they do.

Cinderella to Rumplestilskin a.k.a. Scan Day

2012-05-29T19:52:19Z

So that Invitation comes through the post again: Wear a Gown, Don’t eat beforehand, no jewellery, will be given pints to drink when get there.

Hoorah! Not had that invite since August, so Little My or Cinderella as she is now known in certain quarters, put on her ballgown and plastic tiara and I drove off in her pumkin carriage for her cocktail party and hopefully dinner cos it’s a long time with no food….

Off she goes on the long journey to nice little cancer hospital in the far away land that takes longer to get to than the things you have to do an hour before... you have to drink a pint one hour before your scan(and sadly not beer it says) so LM thinkst oh I'll leave a bit early and stop on the way rather than trying to drink in the car. No traffic so just getting near when she can see text sitting there whistling at her. At traffic lights so look and its P saying ring me they cancelled your appointment!!!

Eeeek! Or more accurately, stomach goes thump and cold feeling and

'Oh for fecks sake' except not so polite.

My heart sinks and all kinds of panics and effing and blinding is going on and I am nearly there, so pull in layby and phone him. The machine is broken so they said not to bother coming in as they don’t want you to come all that long way for nothing.. Haha, when you live that far away you have to leave a long time in advance durrr.I am almost there, just round the corner!! Hang on thinks LM, I am having a CT and MRI they both can’t be broken. I say well, I might as well call in and ask what is happening now. P phones them back to tell them I am there and coming in to rearrange appointment.

So Cinderella is growling her way round and round the car park getting so cross as you get all geared up for it and this week is busy and her appointment with GC is next week and she doesn’t want to have that without the scans and results and and and aarrggghhh!

So, no parking space of course and wishing she had a pumpkin that could be turned into a mouse or Sleipnir or something... end up round the back with RT dept and that brings back a few odd memories of going in that way… and off to find scan place. Walked through the consultant bit and nurse shouts oooh hello LM how you doing? Are we seeing you today? No, just scans, back a week on Friday says LM. See you then says Nurse. Blimey. Since when did I become so well known at a cancer hospital that I can wander through and nurses know my name???

Oooh hello says RT woman, long time no see, how you doing?

Blimey….

Get to X Ray dept.

Oooooh sorry they say, we didn’t realise you have a CT booked as well. We can do that one so good job you came in. Then another woman comes out and says it all again, and another one! . Engineer is on his way. I’d rather wait if possible says LM. We can do you on Friday morning otherwise they say. Sigh. I have lessons and things booked and grrrrr.

Go off to drink my pint of coffee/water and come back for scan.

Oooh Hello LM shouts the Vampire blood woman…

Blimey…

Slosh my way back there with my pints wishing I could go to the loo.

In the gown which is not floor length chiffon, but faded blue, rather fetching slit right up the back.. daring I guess....

. Any chance you might be pregnant?

After what you did to me? Says LM fat chance…

Wasn’t me personally, says nurse.

Fair point says LM. Still no.

Do you mind if I put a needle in your arm?

Hahaaaahahaaaaaa

Everyone laughs when I say that says nurse…

Can't imagine why...

I guess I don’t have any choice do I? Stab ouch wiggle- she’s pretty good and finds my hiding feeble vein without too much trouble. More water to drink… gulp glug glug glug swill swill swish….

Off to the donut. Canula is really sore in arm resting on pillow with arms above my head… Hold your breath etc. They have pictures of a green smily face and a red one holding its breath. They always make me want to laugh which doesn’t help when you have to hold your breath and its always at the wrong moment just as you are breathing out etc.

. Dye injected. It hurt and I felt a bit weird and really really hot this time, fiery hot. And the usual pee yourself feeling… I hate that one. Envious I didn’t get cod liver oil on my nips or Tupperware containers (ask JuliaF) just strapped my arse in place haha.

So, nurse comes back in and says all over and they fixed the MRI and as everyone has been cancelled you can go straight through to it, HOOOOOORAH!!! so wander down corridor in my gown carrying my clothes…. Flashing my arse to all and sundry as I go.

Have you got a spade embedded in your eye?

Have you got surgical implements left in you? Have you blah blah stuff…. Oh sorry, I forgot about that railing embedded in my skull…. I always wonder what happens if you do have a pair of forceps or something left inside you… do you stick to the side of the tube I wonder… or does it pull it out? Ouch.

Are you pregnant? What Again? Already? That was quick work even for me and the engineer wasn’t that handsome…

No, you fried my ovaries remember? And the cubicle was full of warped people with bins and meatballs so no chance of anything fun happening between the donut thingy and tube of doom thingy was there?

Ok, MRI I lie down and my throat is tickling and scatchy and I think I am going to cough all the way through this…. Damn.

DUDUNG CLANK BLABG BUZZ BUZZ DUNG DONG DONG err errr errrr etc. I find it quite hypnotic and almost fall asleep- have to close my eyes cos I am a tad claustrophobic…

Errr ERRRR DUN DUNNNNG DUNG DONG DNNNNGNNGGG DONG DE DONG DE DUNG CLANG…..

30 mins later and out blinking in the sunlight…

Cough wheeze… hmmm I wonder if that was the dye? Says LM.

Nurse gets all panicky and asks if I can swallow ok? I try… hmmm feels a bit tight like when you’ve eaten potato and it gets stuck… bit wheezy and tickly. She makes me sit down and says you are reacting to the dye.

Oh its probably just a bit of dust or something says LM.

I’m putting it on your record she says. You won’t get that again.

Eeek maybe that is a bad thing and I need the dye? Oh no… it wasn’t much says LM probably nowt… but she is scowling and says she can see my breathing is a bit odd so I have to sit and wait for a bit to check I am still breathing and she says take an antihistamine. Hmmm that was rather scary!!!!! And she was doing all of this in front of the next person waiting who was going paler by the minute.!!

So wait for a bit and she wanders past every so often to see if I am breathing and I am still breathing so off I go and stop at pharmacy and get an antihistamine and go home. Actually, I don’t go home, I go back to school.

Of course everyone thinks you have a scan and get the results there and then so have to explain to everyone that I don’t and not to next week and am feeling pretty groggy by now.

Had to go to a meeting about next year and Cow pat was being such a bulldozer cow that I even started to feel sorry for NH!!!!!!!!!!! I have to take a deep deep breath and let her hang herself I think as I can see dissent in the troops already. Mrs NH didn’t even turn up haha.

I didn’t tell P about the reaction to the contrast dye as I thought he would worry needlessly, but when I get home after meeting, he said Oh the nurse phoned to see if you were ok as apparently you had a reaction…..?????!!!!! Err, well Oh it was nothing... cough, shuffle feet…. Ahem…. Luckily he was distracted by something odd he was reading on the interweb device he has just discovered so didn’t react haha see what happened there?

Oh and Scary nurse yesterday said no swimming yet until scab has fallen off NOT picked off, but fallen off and it is healed underneath. She left me with a pile of dressings to do myself and don’t have to see her unless I am still having to do them when I run out. Better not be, I can tell you!! I am going to defy her tomorrow and go for a swim cos bloody hell I need one after today. Half term next week and I am off to see my boy for a few days to distract me from the nerves of GC day…

Thank you to my lovely friends on here for making me smile and sending me hugs and all that stuff as I don’t get much from family or friends (nothing from family at all which does pee me off a bit sometimes that my brother and ‘parents’ don’t wish me luck or ask how I got on) So, thank you…. Bernard the St Bernard is trawling the blog looking for stragglers with Pimms today as it’s a nice sunny day. And there are choc ices for those that got to the end…

Now I am tired. I survived the day and now my fate is sealed which is an odd one as I get so nervous about them and the cannulas and tubes and being in a cancer hospital remembering you are not well somehow when you think you are and that perhaps it is serious or you woulnd’t be doing it etc

But now I have had the scan, there is nothing I can do or change now, so in a weird way it is liberating… My fate is sealed and nothing I can do about it now, so might as well enjoy a bit of life eh?

A week on Friday and I get my fortune told. Better be a good one or I might just do a Rumplestilskin…..

xxxxx

Rebel no more strikes again!

2012-05-19T19:58:56Z

I just had a look and it was a month since I wrote my last blog!! Thought I had better update it a bit. Sorry if you know all of this already, just jump to the bottom and have a gin. I sort of want to record it for me... not sure its very funny this one either! I would skip if I was you....And having just bored myself writing it, I would take up that suggestion if i was you! I was going to delete it, but can't be arsed so here it is.

So, scary nurse was right in the end and it did take me another month to go back to work...

I started back on Monday and survived a whole week!! (only part time mornings this week) and it felt like back to square one again with headaches and feeling sick from doing too much and all the oooh you look wells all over again. That's the trouble with being off, you can't come back and hide, everyone you see wants to say hello and how are you and you can't skulk about like normal. Knackering!!

Nurse said I had almost healed up so was ok about me asking the doc to sign my fit note fit instead of unfit and he said I could start easing in to swimming again and work etc whoo hoo.

Of course I have still not healed up but she is letting me do my own dressing changes now and only seeing her once a week to check. Each time I see her she says Oooh this might the last one and then she locks the door and sticks her face up close and stares and says 'Do you want to see me again?'

'well, I don't mind really' says LM thinking that saying NO NEVER! and unbolting the door and legging it is a tad rude... and so we go on another week and another week and it still is a bit ooozy and blimey! How blinking long does it take to heal up that last bit???

In the meantime, school is stressing me out and making me want to cry most days but I think that is cos cancer messes with your head so you can't cope with other stuff. I have to keep giving myself stern talkings to about not letting stuff get to me and let it go.... I won't bore you with it all. New boss, cow, wants to assert her dominance by trampling on me.. sums it up I guess.

And then I went for a swim- just a short one as I couldn't manage much and it was such bliss and then when I saw scary nurse the next day and I asked her if I was ok to swim again and she said NO! Don't you dare till it has healed over! You could get it infected and that would be awful after all this time... So I didn't tell her I had been already and was a bit cross to say the least! No swimming for you, LM. What did I do?

I promptly fell in the pool the very next day. HAHAAA! Well, I went to the gym and got hot and sweaty and wanted to relax before I went home and it was raining so couldn't sit outside, so I went to the pool bit and well, you know... too tempting... err oooops!

I then got all paranoid about it and started worrying I had picked up an infection and have decided to behave and not do it again. Not sure how long that resolve will last, but we'll see. She said no way till she has seen it again to check if healed up or not and then I had to postpone my next appointment to a week on Monday instead of the Friday as the bloomin Olymic torch is coming to our town. I can hardly find any excitement. whooo boo . They are closing the entire town for 9 hours! No cars anywhere so I can't get to the nurse. Is it Brian the Snail running with it? or Sanchez Slowpants for Slowtown, Slowington, County Slow? Or the sloth from Bristol zoo????

9 hours? Even I could get to the bottom our high street in under 9 hours!!!!!

Sorry, I digress. I went to the gym this afternoon and had my 'orientation' disorientation of all the machines that I wasn't allowed to use before my op! I will never remember all the buttons to press and whether the lever is head height or bum height or what and I am sure I am going to break something very expensive...! And I will annoy all the blokes and their 60 kg leg presses by coming along and changing all the weights to 5kg haha.

Trainer was nice. He was reading my form when I arrived (imagine the medical bit on it!!) and he did not tilt his head or say anything at all except nice things about fitness is personal and I am starting again so it doesn't matter etc and he did not say anything when I couldn't do one of the machines even with no weights on it (I was flabbergasted and cross, he just said, oh that's the most difficult one and most people can't lift it. :) I walked for 20 mins on the treadmill which was cool but not being able to go for a swim afterwards is not cool. I didn't even dare go near the pool as I can't trust myself one bit! So came home early. I think I might not be able to walk tomorrow after trying out those machines!

My lovely boy got a job and starts on Monday. That makes me happy indeed :) Kitchen porter in that posh hotel we stayed in at new year :) He gets fed there too lucky boy! Starts on Monday and nervous as hell, but I am happy he has got a place to live and a job :)

I have been growing seeds in our new greenhouse and that is lovely too :)

...........................................gin and tonic break.................................................

I went for my bone density scan in another hospital in Wales in the middle of nowhere. It was a portacabin. There was no one in reception so I sat and waited and then a woman came out and went into the reception office and called me over. She took my forms and I said I need to go over a couple of questions on it. She said oh that's ok you can go through it later. She then walked back round to the front of the desk and called me name and took me into the room! It was just her in the whole place haha.

I failed the 'how many pilchards do you eat a week' questionaire.

Stupid thing was full of custard and milk puddings... the form wasn't actually full of custard,t hat would make writing on it a bit hard. The options of what you eat were.

I eat well I think but according to them I don't eat enough calcium despite all that milk in my 100 cups of coffee... . So she sent me away with leaflets about how much calcium is in tinned pilchards and milk and with horror stories of how I am most likely to have osteoporosis now, despite my GP saying I would be fine. Still waiting for the results but bought some pilchards today to be on the safe side. And did the gym exercises that are good for bones.

OH lord my life has become so bloody good and tedious. I don't smoke, I dont drink, I eat well. My supermarket shop is not what I want, but oh not curry cos I shit myself and better get watercress and pilchards and everything is cos its good for me or not bad for me or doesn't send my bum into the screaming abdabs at the sight of it. I go to the gym and exercise. YAWN! I want to lie in bed and smoke fags and eat crap and be the rebel I once was and am not anymore cos I am so bloody saintly and good. I wrote a blog about not being a rebel anymore ages ago and it still galls me that I am now goody two shoes. I would say Mother Theresa had better watch out, but a) I can't catch up with her and b) I think she's dead.

I met ems up after the scan and that was lovely :) we talked for hours and it was cool to chat not pretending to be not scared about impending ops and transplants etc :)

I was beginning to think that I was defying all the odds and that my cancer has gone and assuming that it won't come back now and that was it, but then I got an invite to a meeting on the 29th and I said Oh I can't go cos I've got scans that day and then suddenly realised that that is just over a week away!!! CTon lungs and liver and MRI on pelvis and then the week after, off to see GC and his shiny face and be cancer patient again and that scared the crap out of me!

You see, any symptoms I have had I have put down to the operation and wound healing and focussed on that and sort of forgot about the cancer and now I am thinking about that lymph that is swollen and maybe its not the healing, but the cancer and my bum hurts and my bladder is feeling sore and etc etc etc and I am going to be nervous, cos these are the first scans I have had since September!

I know I am on here and its a cancer website etc but somehow it doesn't quite sink in my head and I can say cancer but its kind of not real and I am ok and then when you get an appointment to see your consultant at the cancer hospital, it sort of gets real again that its serious and real and he could give me bad news however positive and sure i am that all is ok... and that is a bit scary.

It does sort of put other annyoing work stuff into perspective though so that is good and it will be nice to see his shiny face again as I have been seeing the surgeon for the last 3 months instead.

Weird to think last time I was there I had a bag as it is starting to feel odd imagining having one now!

Aint life odd eh?

Right, better go and add Rolos to my shopping list....

Bernard St Bernard is trawling the blog with Gin and tonics tonight.

Help yourselves. I bored myself writing that so sorry if you endured reading it. Add it to the Olympic events. Oh btw, we in the anal cancer group have decided that they should have farting as an Olympic sport. We have team GB ready and waiting!

Parp.

Little My

How long is a piece of string? As long as a shifting goalpost...

2012-04-16T19:36:09Z

Well, I thought I ought to do a blog to update things as last we left it; I was waiting to do a fart, or poo or some such in hospital. That was 4 weeks ago, and I have been known to write 4 pages on an afternoon’s worth of stuff so, settle down with a drink and cake or just skip to the end and say ooh ahh mmm x. especially if you read warped etc, you’ll know most of this already, but I wanted to record it for me over here really.

I dutifully farted and after pacing the ward and eating an obscene amount of grapes and drinking a ridiculous amount of water, I finally did the ‘news’ the consultant was waiting for and the presentation of a poo allowed me to go home on my Boot Camp early release programme…

Oh if only I could get my own way more often by doing a poo….. sigh.

GC had said I am not sure it will work and his sidekick FC had said the same, along with the funny (not) phrase of ‘use it or lose it’ but SC (surgeon consultant) thought it was worth a go and he would do a bit of bum ballooning whilst I was out for the count (Oh thank you for small mercies) and leave me with a hole to heal up and said ‘I will be interested to see what happens’ (as in whether you shit yourself or not kind of interested… bloody weirdo, can’t he have normal interests like football or fishing or something?)

GC says oooh you are doing well with your energy etc the week before the op, we are going to set you back a couple of weeks now of course…

A couple of weeks? Ooh that’s ok….

SC says 6 weeks to heal, you should be fine to go back to work after 5 (end of Easter holidays)

Bit of a goalpost move of 2 weeks but ok, that’s the holidays, ok…

I was sent home with Boot camp leaflets saying 2-4 weeks back to work, swimming, jogging etc. I ignore the fact that they are generic surgery leaflets and for those with stitches etc… plus another one that says wait 6 weeks before lifting anything.

Ooh 2-4 weeks great! I’ve got a week in hand thinks LM Might get some swims in before school starts.

Lovely Mandy the bum nurse (she has a special title but I can’t remember what it is, but she’s been my support nurse all along) says take it easy and no doing anything ok and no lifting etc etc blah blah blah… la la laaaah

What? Oh yeah, Mandy… I’ll be good, a couple of weeks will be nice doing nothing.

That first week was a case of ouch ouch and owwwww. District nurses coming round every day to pack the hole with ribbon stuff and boredom.

Second week, more of the same, a bit less ouchy and more boredom.

Third week the same less ouchy more boredomy.

I get the nurse who came the second day and she says ‘Oh you have not healed at all yet.

What???? 3 weeks in, I should be done by now!!!

Looks good though, don’t worry. Take it easy. Oh I’m going to go to the surgery next week for my dressing changes says LM, get me out of the house etc. Ooooh don’t overdo it she says. We can come round if you are tired.

But I need to get going cos I am off to work the week afterwards says LM.

Nurse falls on the floor, picks herself up and says you are in this for the long haul… you are going nowhere while it is healing and it hasn’t even started yet. Rest and do nothing. Get a fit note.

Hey! Who moved the goalposts?? Hmmm maybe this is going to be bigger than I thought….

I see the nurse at the surgery who can sort out fit notes for the GP. I like her, she’s funny and kind of ‘gets’ me. I ask her about fit notes and back to work and she starts laughing and says No way!!!!

Roughly how long are we talking says LM?

How long is a piece of string… says Nurse.

Could take months, but once it starts to heal it does so pretty quick. I tell her I joined a gym to get fit for the op and before I’ve finished the sentence she is crying with laughter and saying Oh we are going to have to watch you!

She writes on my notes something about me being mad enough to want to go back to work and no way am I going anywhere with an open wound.

Months??? But but but…. who moved the goalposts? Noone ever said months!!

I am getting married and taking my class to Sweden and I have lessons that I have put off till now while phasing in and if I don’t do them now, then…..

and am I meant to nip out in the middle of my wedding to go and get my dressing changed? Can you imagine it? Me sat in my dress in the surgery waiting for my turn and then back out the reception? Haha.

So, I throw a wobbly in the Room, get cross that everyone tells me to be patient cos I know I have to be patient, that’s not the point and then eventually calm down cos I always do in the end and start to get my head round things and reconcile myself to losing part of my job (I am head of 2 depts and have not really run either all year due to phasing back in and now this op etc and only so long they will pay me to not do a job when they are making cut backs here there and everywhere’) and I start to get my head round it and I can wait a while for a swim etc.

Then a few days later, the nice nurse says Oh that’s started healing now…. Should heal in about 10 days or couple of weeks.

Hoorah! says LM, and promptly forgets everything she has just reconciled and calculates, that’s only a week off at the most from the start of term and back to trips and weddings etc…

Nice nurse plays with my stitch showing me if she pulls it, she can close the hole (purse string type one running round the edge of the circle) Don’t let the other nurses cut it she says, as it’s still attached. Weird but interesting.

I get to leave it a couple of days as it’s so delicate the new growth, she doesn’t want to disturb it. Of course when it comes to the next dressing change, it’s a bit crusty and scabby and scary nurse pulls the stitch out with the crusty bits.

Oh there’s the stitch says LM

Oh? Is it? She says peering at it…. Ooooh, Hmmmmm. Ahhh Hmmmm. Says scary nurse.

(She jokes with you about crap she is and that she has no confidence in her dressings etc. She locks the door when you are in there and she has to look at stuff really really close with a light and it makes me giggle or terrified, sometimes both)

After lots of umming and ahhing and worrying from her, she packs me and slaps a dressing on and says here’s a spare dressing in case that one falls off and I’ll consult my colleagues about the stitch and we’ll see what to do on Monday…. Oh and I am not even going to talk to you about work or doing anything for a fortnight. I see on your notes it says you are mad enough to think you can do stuff…

Hoorah, fortnight is ok. I can do a fortnight and maybe I’ll be better before then….

So, after a weekend of utter utter boredom beyond belief…. (I have SO much I could do, I don’t really get bored normally, but all the things I am desperate to do I can’t… the garden, decorating the house, crafts, etc etc all involve moving and lifting etc and driving to places to get stuff etc) You see I am starting to feel ok, except for the hole in the belly. I feel well actually. I was just starting to feel well before the op and was enjoying going swimming again and doing things, just normal things but things all the same and at the moment, I can sit or lie down and play on the computer and read and can’t drive. I can just walk into town if I have a rest before I come back. That’s about it. Boring!

I go back today. Fearful of being locked in a room with scary nurse staring at my belly at point blank range with the interrogation lamp on and maybe needing that stitch redoing…

Slight interlude here… GC and FC have both hesitated about examining me and suggested doing it under anaesthetic so as not to hurt me. Oh get on with it says LM and ignore the screams. I don’t seem to react to local anaesthetics so have winced and howled through various things, picc lines put in etc and wounds packed with no pain relief etc and I am ok. I am a ‘tough girl’ and can do pain etc but The mere mention of stitches, never mind one that runs under your skin in a circle round a hole and I am a terrified wussy baby!!!!)

Ok, have a breather and a cup of tea or a slug of brandy… are you sitting comfortably? I’ll continue…

There is only me and a man in the waiting room for the nurse. He is sat with his eyes shut. He suddenly opens them and starts singing. I jump out of my skin! Then he gets louder and he’s really crap and out of tune and I can’t even make out the song, but it’s very embarrassing and slightly scary.

So she pokes around and says I might need to get a colleague…

What for??? So you can doubly poke at me?? Two pronged attack? One from each side??

And she pokes and prods and says she thinks its ok as it is and it’s looking good etc and packs it up and slaps another dressing on.

Phew, no stitches!! No double sided attacks!!

How’s the pain? She asks… Oh much better says me breathing again. If I don’t move, I can’t feel it now most of the time. It only really hurts when I move.

Well, you know what to do then don’t you…? She says

All together now…

Don’t move.

Very droll. Says LM.

Can we talk work and how long realistically says LM cos they are starting back on Wednesday and I’d like to let them know. She scowls at me.

A week? Couple of weeks? I hesitate?

Let’s just say you would be lucky to go back before another month. You need to heal up.

Eeeeeek! You moved the goal posts again….

She laughs and said ‘most people would be delighted to get another month off work’ Well, can you find one of them and swap places with me please says LM….

So I am fed up with the goal posts moving. I know you all say rest and recuperate and all that and yes, I know it all, but it’s the’ this and then that and then this again’ that does my head in. If they had said 3 months or whatever, I would have got my head round it and been ok about it. This is taking longer than my treatment at this rate and it was an elective operation and had I known it would take months to recover from it I might have thought twice about it.

But, looking on the bright side, I have a bum back. It hurts and bleeds and leaks a bit, but its my bum and its working better than we thought it would so far and my poos are endlessly fascinating at the moment (which is a good job, cos there are lots of them!) and… lots of friends are taking me out for coffee and if I lose some of my job, then so be it….. the only bit I am really fed up about is that I am the only one who can teach my subject and I do a once a year block with the younger class. Some of them have been asking me all year when am I going to do chemistry with them… and it’s that block I am going to miss and they have been looking forward to it for over a year now and I feel crap for letting them down and them not getting it. Oh sorry, that wasn’t bright side.. back to positive….

Oh, on the way home, I was a bit harumphy so I looked in the gallery. They had some beautiful jewellery in there and I think I have found my wedding ring. :) (well, the design to get one made)

It is oxidised silver with little blobs of gold on it. The silver is grey like lead but shiny and she said that it wears off over time and becomes shiny silver so you have to get it re-oxidised. I rather love the idea of having a dull ring that becomes shiny over time. Normally things tarnish and dull with age and I like that symbolism of something becoming more shining with age rather than dull. We have been together 21 years and it took cancer to make us shine again so I think I have found the design.

Oh, and I know I said I wanted to live long enough to see grey hairs, but finding a grey hair this morning is cheating!!!!

Enough prattling on. I am ok, I am healing slower than I wanted but I am healing and that is good. No point in fussing about futures cos let’s face it, I have a bone scan beginning of May, a CT on my lungs and liver and an MRI on my pelvis end of May and then check up with GC 9^th June, so who knows…. This going back to work and trips and holidays might be academic anyway…. Of course I am hoping/assuming for good news in June, but there are no guarantees as we all know.

So I bought some seeds on my way home and will sprinkle them in the garden and watch them grow.

Bernard St Bernard has an extra big barrel of Brandy to revive you. Look out for him stomping up and down.

Little My x

Operation Dyson Mission 1 Farts!

2012-03-17T14:13:44Z

Afternoon! Thought I should fill you in on the story so far. On my phone that has its own weird idea or what I am trying to say and keeps changing the words so apologies for lack of sense or random words. What's different you say? Anyway I got the taxi tot he hospital for 7am they sit you in a waiting room until your op and then you get your. Bed afterwards . So I sat in a little room in my gown, dvt surgical stockings and giant paper knickers . What a glorious sight! The knickers are see through so couldn't really see the point of them. Anyway there was me and 2 ladies. First lady goes down at 8.30am and I am next. The other woman moaned and moaned at me about awful the wait was and how awful the whole thing was and.not drinking etc and she would die if she didn't get some food etc she also sat and read me stories from the Daily Mail a d the Sun that I was meant to besuitably outraged about. Aarrgghh she also showed me lots of baby photos not sure whose they were I forgot to listen! More moans and moans about how bad her lot was and how long she had to wait etc eventually I found out what she was in for. She had been seeing SC cos of bowel urgency. He said nothing wrong so she insisted on him removing a skintag from her bum. 5 min op and then home after an hour!!!! SHe also never went to the loo once on the 8 hours I was there.. Urgency indeed! Sorry no paragraphs. On this phone So I was meant to go about 11 am and eventually went at 3pm!! Thought my head was going to implode with dehydration. Dr freaked me out talking about having to have another. Bag while I recovered from this one and having to cut my whole abdomen open maybe and maybe there would be too much damage for it to work and that SC was suggesting I come back I a few times for dilation under anaesthetic using St. Mark's dilation look it up on google haha anyway go for the op and. Ext thing I know I'm out and rigged up to a morphine pump and wheeled up to ward. Nurse says it went ok but didn't know what that meant so had a feel and there was a dressing and no bag!!!! My bum was bleeding so I guessed he had got rid of the polyps I had dangling (sorry for graphic details) and probably stretched. One old senile lady ext to me... Wonder of she just roves hospital wards cos Ems had one too. Real old poor me I'm more I'll than you lady opposite and the other lady refused to go home till she had an op so been here 2 weeks! Apparently she gets bunged up at home. I tried to joke with her about what she was eating at home did t work! Hurt like buggery last night despite morphine at the click of a button. Wasn't allowed a nothing but sips of water. Had a glug instead and was promptly sick! One day I'll listen and do as I'm told haha yeah right... Woman opposite me gets. Devoid. Is she might have a temporary bag while her bowel heals so just now I had my dressing changed. Which is packed with gauze so have to pull it out and stuff it in again which made me cry a bit. Cos it hurt and she. Looked like she had seen a ghost when they drew back the curtains!!! Haha I told her it was fine . Of course I no longer have my invincibles so have to be careful with my lies cos my pants will catch fire now :D Saw SC he said have you got a present for me? Oh what's that? Says LM a fart! Says SC hahaaaa no farts. He pats my wound OUCH and says we have to be careful with you and keep an eye on you till you pass wind! Haha are they going to have a bum inspector sniffing?? He said he thought my bum was reasonably ok (what's that mean eh?) and that he had cut off the polyps and sent biopsies off in case they were cancerous eeeek! But all ok as long as I fart!! Had to take the morphine pump off cos it was leaking in my arm and my hand was swelling up. Boo! Was enjoying my narcotics! So my lovelies I am so far so good and asked if I could go for a walk in the gardens tomorrow hold your horses she said . So maybe a wheelchair with my mate will do the trick . Now, better try farting or I'm In Trouble oh and how do you gift wrap a fart??? Thanks so much for all your good wishes and love and hugs and giggles it helped so much and I felt so loved :) P is texting me haikus about the catsand the birds and things :) Hilary got wind (snigger) of this and has been writing bum haikus for me. There's always one..... Hugs all round little My xxx

Rolo anyone???

2012-03-09T17:28:18Z

I will try and keep this short... oh why do bother even saying that eh? I have Rolos going spare and coffee and a bottle of vodka in the cupboard that I still don't know how it got there so help yourselves. Oh and I'll send Bernard St Bernard off to look for stragglers with his emergency brandy.

So, I got up and polished shiny bum ready for GC nd Rolos up there and clean pants etc etc and off I went down the motorway to the hospital (for the unititiated, I had my check up with the consultant today nickname GC cos he is a gorgeous consultant).

Its busy and bum day so everyone looks their usual hale and hearty selves and its hard to tell who is patient and who is partner/son/daughter though as usual I am the only one there under the age of 60.

So got weighed and then got blood forms. Helen is a whizz and could get blood from a vampire. There is another lady who is ok and Rob who can never ever find my veins. (ouch) I hear the other lady say Helen isn't in today (boo) but she calls me and another lady in (phew not Rob thinks LM) So I sit down and she goes over to do the other woman she called in. Hmmmm. Another nurse comes in and says is noone doing you? and the other nurse shouts 'Rob said he'd be back in a sec so she's waiting for him' Oh shall I shout him says the nurse or are you ok with me doing it? PHEW again. Oh no, you do it says LM.

Prod, prod squeeze hands, prod prod wiggle wiggle intersperced by ouches and try this arm cos the other one is still bruised from last week and blood appears! Hoorah!

Get my coffee and sit down to wait. GC is running an hour late says the tannoy. No surprises there. He is always running at least an hour late- I think cos we all swooon over him and they have to shovel fainted ladies off the floor. the lady next to me says that he's got a new registrar and she had her last time. Usual comments about young slips of things not old enough etc. etc. Oh no, I have to at least see GC's shiny face... and I've got my Rolos ready.... don't mind FC his side kick cos he is funny.

Eventually, the tannoy booms LM to room 6 please. So go and sit in there and wait and wait. After about 10 minutes of realising that I am actually quite nervous despite my bravado, GC opens the door and gives me a huge grin and says Oh hello, how are you? Its not you I'm meant to be seeing.. but I will pop in and see you he says and off he goes to another room... Damn thinks LM, that's the registrar checking... Wait and wait another 10 minutes and realise that I am pretty nervous (but I guess that is normal when you are sat waiting for a doctor to tell you whether you cancer has come back or not) . Nurse comes in and says sorry for the wait. GC will be here soon. I said he'd poked his head round the door and said he wasn't meant to be seeing me. She said Oh no, he is seeing you, just got to see someone else first. Horah! I have got GC. So I sit there for almost half and hour getting more and more nervous... and then GC's smily shiny face bustles through the door again. He seems to run everywhere. I don't know why he is always so late cos its like he's on speed.

He sits down and says Are you nervous about the operation or looking forward to it? Well, I am nervous about being incontinent again says LM and the unknown but worth a try I guess... And is the surgeon stretching your bum in stages before the op or during it? Eeek stop talking about stretching and ballooning . During I think.

You will have to spend a while sorting out your bowels with either laxatives or whatever the ones that bung you up are called (I forgot). It will take a while to get it right he says and we will set you back in your stamina and energy a bit.

As you are having the op next week, I don't need to examine you today he says.Save you some pain. ( Its pretty painful my examination or otherwise called hunt the rolo game) so I'll get the surgeon to have a really good look and rummage before the op while you are asleep! So, just need to feel your groin today.

Always makes me snigger that cos he stands there prodding my groin area and always says something like' nice groin' or ' that feels good' ... So quick prod of my lymphs and a 'that feels good' and he says I'll book you in for a CT scan on your liver and an MRI and I'll see you in beginning of June after you have recovered from the op and had the scans. Good luck! and off he bustled out the door. Just as he was about to leave, he turned and bellowed from the door Oh, how is your vagina? ...(snigger again) Any pain? No, its ok thanks says LM and off he goes.

He does make me laugh. He didn't ask me about my 'waterworks' this time which also makes me laugh cos he uses euphemisms for that, but not anything else and always shouts How is your vagina at me.

So, a waste of a Rolo! Anyone want one? i'd give it a wipe if you like... ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa

So, a bit odd cos I was geared up for checking for any new growth and have to wait till after the operation to find out about that but good news that the op is going ahead. I guess it won't if they find anything though so could be a bit of wake up and see what happened.... mind you, that is an option anyway as the surgeon did say that once he opened me up, he may not be able to rejoin it or it may be too damaged and would have to give me a permanent stoma anyway so should be interesting when I come round! Last op was a wake up and see whether you have a colostomy or ileostomy.. feel for which side the bag is on said the nurse... this time it will be feel for a bag or not I guess.

Half news I guess... the operation is on next week but won't know about tumours until after the op.

So i came away feeling a bit odd. half of me is so pleased that the operation is going ahead and grinning about that and part of me is thinking what just happened, cos you build yourself up for these appointments of cancer or no cancer and then to have him say oh we'll check next week is a bit of a what???? It also reminded me about my liver and the inconclusiveness of it that is a little bit scary and I usually don't think about... That's what I don't like about these visits is that they take a while for you to get your head round them. even if they are good news, they leave you a bit reeling after the nerves before hand. I also realised that I have got 4 more years of this even if all goes well. I wonder if you get used to it and stop worrying and reeling.... ?

Anyway, I went for a swim to digest it all and get my head straight again. And now its......

Full steam ahead for next Friday and becoming one half of the the Dynamic Dyson Duo (bagless) eeeeeeeeeeeek! Hahaaaaaaaaaa!

A friend of mine had a bit of her bowel removed yesterday (burst abcess or something) so we are planning getting friends to drive us to cafes with squidgy sofas once we are both out to compare scars and giggle.

I am actually looking forward to it now. BRING IT ON!!!!!

Oh dear, better get Bernard going it was longer than I thought.

Little My x

Rummage???? Not the word you want to hear someone say about your bum!

Get the Balloons out, I passed my Pre- op!! Oh no, not the bum balloons....!

2012-03-02T18:28:00Z

This should be short (yeah right, heard that before.... you say)

So, last night I spent a long time fathoming out how to get wee in a bottle. I know for blokes it's pretty easy and most women manage somehow, but since my RT, my wee has no direction I think due to loss of fatty tissue or something and it goes absolutely anywhere and everywhere....

Funnels, buckets, cones of cardboard, jugs you all suggested....I never knew you lot were such wee collection experts! Eventually, after several gallons of tea, a big mug strategically placed and a bit of spillage and lots of washing up---a bottle ready for pre op assessment today of strangely luminous wee.... It was a little bottle cos for some reason I find it embarrassing turning up with wee in random bottles with labels still on etc. Next time, I think I may get over this fear with a bit of aversion therapy and turn up with it in one of those giant water cooler bottles... Hahaaa. Can you imagine it... 'did you bring your wee sample?' Yeah here it is... wheels in a trolley with it on hahaaa.

I got weighed on a chair which made me giggle and the nurse was a giggler too so that was good. She said she came from a family of teachers and rebelled and went into medicine. I said I came from a family of medics and rebelled into teaching (which isn't strictly true as it was less about rebelling and more about studing booze instead of maths) I digress what already? I hear you cry... so sooon? Usually you digress on the first sentence...)

Anyway, she is getting her phd soon and said you can't have a nurse called Doctor and I said she HAD to call herself Dr Nurse cos it would be funny. I then got the giggles when she was feeling my glands cos it tickled... and I coughed Oooops bad plan!

She said OH you have a cold. If its on your chest, we have to put your operation off for 6 weeks(!!!!!)

Bloody hell!!! Said Little My. Ooops sorry for swearing,Dr Nurse... better not put it off.

I'll listen VERY carefully to your chest she says... Eeeeek says Little My.

So, a million silly questions about my house and how many steps in it and what kind of shower I had and then she said

'Do you do your own laundry?' No says LM (cos P does it)

Do you do your own cooking? No says LM sniggering cos P does it. She started sniggering too and said 'stupid questions'.

We decided I was able to look after myself and P could do the rest so all was ok and I didn't have aids or hepatitis or MS and wasn't a 100 years old and didn't get meals on wheels.

The family history bit was funny cos my family had died of everything on the list... cancer, heart attacks, diabetes etc etc you name it, we did it... There wasn't space on the form for them all, so I just said 'I'm bucking the trend (not sure how,exactly cos getting cancer kind of goes with the trend but for being alive still is a good buck I guess)

She was so polite and kept saying 'Do you mind if I ... feel your tummy,Do you mind if I feel your neck, etc etc. Eventually I said, I reguarly get my arse out for all and sundry so you prodding my belly and ankles is fine by me... I have no shame.

Ok I forgot to wear a bra. Actually that isn't true.. I don't own a bra cos of the fried eggs I own don't fill a bra except for the teen ones that are pointless and I have to wear long vests to cover baggy. Of course I then get the Listen to your chest... down to your bra. Haven't got one... will a vest do? I'm not shy otherwise so up to you. Always an awkward moment and sometimes I think I should go and buy a bra for hospital appointments but I'd forget or be uncomfortable and who cares anyway...

Breathe in and out etc etc (How else could you breathe I wonder??)

Your lungs are clear HOOOOOORAH!

She said " I've tried and tried but I can't find anything wrong with you" Hahaaaa!

So, I am fit to be operated on AND she said that GC had said he was surprised and very very pleased with my progress so far :)

They want to put me on this thing called an Enhanced Recovery Programme.

I think there is a god up there somewhere that never wants me to have a rest.... cos this is full on!

I have come home with a carrier bag stuffed full of stuff... drinks and fortisips and another pre-op drink and I have to drink loads of these things for 3 days before my operation. The night before, I have to wake myself up at 3.30am and drink 2 cartons of this pre-op stuff! After the op, they give you more drinks as soon as you wake up and then send up physios and nurses to get me walking straight away and eating soup and have to sit in the chair and do special breathing etc. I should then only be in for 3-5 days whoo hooo so maybe worth it....? She said they give you really strong painkillers and probably an epidural so you can start moving without feeling the pain. Means you get to go home earlier and heal much much quicker and less chance of thrombosis or chest infections etc.

I have to confess that a bit of me was looking forward to having a rest and lying around for a few days... no rest for the wicked it seems!

No chance of transport at 6am so just have to fork out for a taxi to take me the 20 odd miles there cos I can't ask mates at that time of the morning...

I then get the district nurse coming round everyday for 6 weeks to change dressings as she confirmed the surgeon's thing about leaving the wound open and allowing it to heal from the inside up as it were.

She mentioned the stenosis ( or more commonly known as a tight arse haha) and said" It looks like we will become friends as you will need to be coming in after the operation most likely to have your bum stretched"....

Oh no, not the balloons said Little My... I thought I had got away from those!!!!!

Oh yes, the balloons!!! says Dr. nurse....

So, wait and see how much the surgeon can break up during the operation and how bad it is afterwards and then how much I need to see her for bum ballooning!! harumph.

And the famous words you don't want to hear ...

" I would be lying if I didn't say that there was a chance you will be incontinent afterwards"

Great. Fancy lying? Ok, that'll be a No then.

"Its also hard for your bum to tell the difference between a fart and a poo for a while but we keep an eye on you and have nappies if you need them... "

Remind me why I am having this operation?

Off for a blood test 'You have weird veins she says, they go sideways... wiggle wiggle ouch!

probably trying to hide from you lot says LM... WIGGLE OUCH !!!

So, next Friday is GC check up and there had better be no cancer there or all this will be scuppered and I can't think of a use for those drinks... If that is ok, then back in on the Wednesday for more blood tests and start drinking gallons of millions of calories weird drinks and then Friday operation! Then jogging up and down the ward for a few days with boot camp orders and home for a rest haha. I bet they send the district nurse round to shout at me to get out of bed too!

Oh, after all that fuss with the wee, she didn't ask me for my urine sample. I was just leaving and rummaged for my car keys and saw the bottle in my bag. I'm not going to all that trouble for nowt thought Little My, so she turned back round, went back in to the room and said to the nurse -she didn't ask for my urine sample. Here it is. (Not letting a good pot of piss go to waste, and it was luminous!)

I stopped off at Ems's house for coffee and a natter :)She has a lovely house and I met her ducks and dog and kids... All lovely. Won't see her again till after her transplant and my op... weird feeling and a bit sad...

Felt like crying on the way home cos even though its nothing like what Ems and others are getting done, I get a bit scared of operations and hospitals and the unknown of incontinence and sore arses and open wounds and balloons...

But, I am sure I see the funny side of it as always! Cos lets face it, bums and poos are still funny even when you are over 5 years old...

Bernard St Bernard trawling the blog for exhausted victims of TooManyWordsitis.

Little My

Gathering nuts in M.. oh hang on its still February....

2012-02-17T21:35:01Z

Hello! Oh dear... I just had a look and I have not written a blog for ages and ages and aaaages...

Hurrah! say you lot, we got time to catch our breath and rest our eyes...

Anyway, this one won't be long... haha I hear you say... heard that one before!

Oh ok, better send Bernard St Bernard out with the brandy just in case...

I am currently sat on a hotel bed in Torquay with my son :) I came down to get him to take him home tomorrow so we can go away on Sunday. The room is HUGE! Free wifi, loads of biscuits, crap on the telly… what more do you want eh? If anyone wants to nip down and join us, there is plenty of room and I raided the complimentary tea tray and asked for a top up so got lots of biscuits going spare... and the cupboard is big enough for at least 2 to sleep in.. J

On Sunday I am taking a class away for a week to an eco centre to stay in yurts and all that sort of outdoorsy stuff and Max is coming with me to look after one of the kids with 'difficulties' or 'don't leave with the scissors' boy. Hence coming to get him.

It has been a bit of a funny old time since I last wrote. Some days I almost forget about the cancer and life seems almost normal but it’s sort of always there like ems says... 'white noise' and in my case white noise is about right cos my tinnitus that I have been left with is worst when I wake up and I think oh what's that noise in my head... oh yeah... cancer.... and you can't forget for long.

Max has been getting anxious and stressed about things and P has been in one of his depressed states, but P seems to be getting out of it now and at least I have some time with Max to help sort him out a bit and what he might want to do in life. He is a bit of an eccentric and feels he doesn't fit in and damn good job I think but he hasn't found his niche yet so need to help him find it somehow.

I just deleted a whole pile of this blog cos it was gloomy and introspective and not needed. Try again…

I joined a health club… hahaaa I have turned into a gym bunny hahaaaa.. I wanted to get fit before my operation as best I could and it does help with my stamina doing some swimming but I braved the gym too. I made the bloke laugh cos there was a sheet you had to fill in about your health and there was a thing about headaches and I questioned whether to say yes or no and he said oh put no, and I said don’t worry I am going to scare the pants off you with the rest of this form anyway… a headache is the least of your worries! :D I told him I had the stamina of an 80 year old and he laughed and said I am sure you don’t and I laughed and said Oh yes I do…Guess who was right? He was great though cos he didn’t tilt his head at all and set me a target to be able to get up out of a chair without using my arms and walking for 5 mins and cycling for 5 mins on level 1. I look really funny with the gym bunnies running around and there is me gasping for breath walking. It makes me giggle… (not hard that one, though) And the pool is adults only and quiet and you can have a sauna afterwards... Nice :)

I really came on to say don't worry if you don't hear much from me for the next week as I will be 'down on the farm' in Devon and no electricity,, never mind wifi haha. There is an office computer and I might be able to sneak on there and maybe my shiny new iphone will get a signal and can say hi on that but not sure yet... I will be eating lentils and turnips and up to my knees in mud and sleeping in a yurt but I do love it down there and I get a week with Max too hoorah!!

Shame I've got to take 26 teenagers with me.... but lots of good friends there and I'm going to see my mates, some of who I have not seen in a year... Last time I was there with a class, I had just been told I had cancer and it was that week away from it all cos I knew it was the calm before the storm of consultants and plans and treatment and all that... and it will be so lovely to see some of them that last I saw them, I didn't know if I would see them again... hahaaa Imagine how big a hug some of us are going to get on Sunday!!!

This time, it is also the calm before the storm of the next round of appointments when I get back and my operation. I have to admit I am getting a little nervous. I am also getting a little nervousof the aftermath of it about my check up with GC cos it will have been 3 months.

Here is my bizarre logic. I didn't get so nervous before as they have been monthly check ups and I kept thinking a month was not long enough for anything to grow big enough to feel, so after one ok check up, I guessed the next one would be ok.. (skewed logic I know, but it worked for me) now it will have been 3 months when i go on the 9th... that could be long enough for something to have grown and if it has then I won't get my operation and I hate the thought that I will be all geared up for it and then it not happen as much as the thought of the cancer back. Once again, skewed I know...

I am going to stop now cos all I wanted to say was bye and have a good week and I’ll be in touch when I get back and there has got to be some funny stories from having my bum stretched and bye to baggy eh? So, silly service resumed soon and I will regale you with silly stories from the ward….and ems will probably be in the same time as me (sods law she goes to different hospital just as I go to hers -good luck ems) and Tim might over lap too so we can compare dinners and wards and stuff ..though ems will have her own room I am sure as she is queen of the side wards- honestly the lengths some people will go to, to get their own room!!! I’ll be slumming it on the 4 bedder with the weirdos as usual. I do, however get a yurt to myself next week hahaaaa.

In the meantime…

You lot must promise to take care of yourselves for the next week and nothing bad is to happen at all ok? and look after eachother and all that while I am away cos I don't want to be worrying about you all.... I am going to be playing eco warrior in the woods :)

Complimentary tea/coffee and biscuits from the tray tonight or grab Bernard if you want something stronger and see you all soon.

Hugs galore to you all

Little My xxx

Ps if you want to see where I am going… google Embercombe

January, February don't you come around....

2012-01-25T18:55:08Z

Realised I had not done a blog in ages and ages so thought I had better update things a little bit cos my life is getting busy! So I will try and be brief cos I am attempting to show you my calendar for the next few months....

Ok deep breath.... and January (only 5 days left so shouldn't take long)

Remember that course I said I would sign up for if I was to live to fight another day....? Well, the next step is that i have to visit and teach at a different school to my own. As you may recall, I teach in a bit of a hippy school with our own curriculum and we use first names and the kids don't wear uniforms and we teach our thing and not the national curriculum. So, tomorrow I am being sent off to a local secondary school. eeeek.

Little My is a scruff bag. Little My does not own shoes that can be polished or dresses or work clothes. I wear jeans to school and wooly jumpers and my inconclusive clog type shoes or big furry boots.

I got an email saying the deputy head will show me round tomorrow morning and discuss my needs. Needs?

Coffee and an escape plan? and perhaps a biscuit to keep me going in the tunnel?

Oh , sorry... those sorts of teachery type needs... hmmm.

As you may have realised, i can't do sensible and tomorrow I have to go to a proper grown up sensible school with kids in uniforms and pretend to be sensible and ask sensible questions and be called Miss and wear sensible proper clothes which is proving quite a challenge..... I don't have any.

My boss was laughing and teasing me yesterday saying Where are your stilettos?

I am scared and I know I am going to snigger and say something inappropriate and it will all be embarrassing. Oh dear. Then again, maybe I can cheer them up? Oh dear. This could be where the course fails.... Oh I might get some tumble weed too cos when we start looking at the calendar for days I can go and teach... the C word is going to come out hahaaaaaaa!

So that's tomorrow. Then back to school for more meetings cos we love having them don't we boys and girls.

February

I am then going to Cantebury for a weekend training thingy to do with this course ont he 10th Feb. . Two of the annoying people from my ghastly retreat are going too.... Luckily the other 2 are fun. I will hide and get on here if I can.

The weekend after that I am taking my class to Devon for a week of camping in yurts and doing hearty outdoorsy type things.It is at an eco sort of centre but a very special place where I have some great friends and where my son stayed while I was having my treatment and was loved so much by others on my behalf when i couldn't be there.... We have to take an extra person to look after one of our 'challenged' pupils so I volunteered Max (my son) and school fell for it so he gets paid to spend a week with me and his other 'family' Get IN!!!!!! I went there this time last year when I had just been diagnosed but didn't know what or how yet. That was wierd. I had to go off for a scan on one of the days. Max and I had lots of conversations then about life and death etc cos at the beginning they thought I may be a gonna very soon. Sod that for a game of soldiers so here I am a year later still fighting like a girl and back down there. Hooorah!

And into March...

When I get back, I have to go for my pre operation assessment. 2nd.

The week after that is GC day Rolos at the ready and everything crossed he doesn't find anything. 9th (that is also my cancerversary of camera up the bum lady saying oh that's certainly abnormal ,Keep positive.. they can do a lot with radiotherpy these days... and then the nurse saying This is Little My she's just had to some bad news.. Ah I out 2 and 2 together and made cancer.... !)

The week after that is my operation to say bye to baggy and have my bum 'stretched' ouch. 16th

i week in hospital and into April.. home for

6 weeks of daily dressing changes with nurses and no lifting etc

Then its my birthday hahaaaaa (and P promised me kittens for my birthday last year but I didn't get them cos I was in hospital so he promised them for this year.. eeeeeeee! kittens she said in a high pitched squeak!

May

Assuming it all heals up properly... Then get to lift stuff again and swim again whoooo hoooo and hope to god that I am not incontinent as GC thinks I will be, cos that will mean another operation to put baggy back again... get to poo again !

June

Then get married (brown or whilte wedding dress may depend on the above :D ) Need to set a date but I am guessing May/June.

Then all the big scary scans and tests for the year anniversary and checking scary livers and the time it is most likely to come back.... but also the time when if it hasn't the odds shift in my favour quite a bit. I listen to the odds when they are in my favour... I am currently studiously ignoring them... :D

Then take my class to Sweden whatever GC says.. for swimming in the sea and fun. Even if it has come back it can all damn well wait a couple of weeks for fun in the sun in Viking land....

and its the summer. :) and fun stuff :)

I can't have cancer, I am too busy..... !

I also have persuaded myself that I need a new shiny thing in the form of an iphone that works in Cantebury and Devon and hospital and Sweden so better go shopping eh?

I'll let you know about the day out with the normals tomorrow....

Little My xxx

ps are you impressed? I was wondering if I might use up all the words so tried to be really really succinct. Not bad eh? Bernard St bernard is trawling the blog with brandy anyway... cos you lot are alcies oh how do you spell that? alchies? al... hmmm.....

Nothing to do with cancer really, but you asked! LM goes yoghurt knitting and loses her crayons.

2012-01-04T18:56:59Z

Little My has been away for 2 days with a work meeting retreat in a middle of the nowhere guest house place with no mobile phone signal and limited internet access. With 6 other knit your own yoghurt types. Oh dear. I hope that this is vague enough to not get me the sack, should someone stumble upon it. Then again, perhaps getting the sack would be a blessed relief!

So, the cast:

A- makes us say verses and mediatations before sessions. Brought her own goat's milk.

B- bossy and wants her own way and charges around has decided before she asks. Brought fartichokes to put in the soup so gets brownie points for that. Veggie, decaf, talks about 'astrality' a lot.

C- brought her own oat(yes, oat, not goat) milk. Doesn't do coffee, meat, sugar, wheat etc etc. Wants everyone to get on and it all to be lovely.as loopy as they come Does give nice hugs though.

D- My aussie mate you may remember from blogs from the summer any oldies around. Has made friends with F and hates my boss and is thus grumpy with me cos I agree with him. Complicated but she's in a grump and also likes her own way and disagrees with my view. Vegan, hearty walker.

E- the only man. He colour coordinates his clothes to the planets associated with the days of the week. Has 9 children and quotes books that he just 'happened to have with him by chance' hahaaaaar yeah right! He can navel gaze and ramble for Britain.

F- bossy, I WILL have my own way, and I don't like LM so will disagree with her on principle over everything and hector people into submission. Brought crayons and paper and made us sing.

LM- well, you know.

So, rather than a 50 page ramble, here are the highlights.

Monday night get there. 2 pairs have to share. F and B refuse and E is a boy (snigger) so

I had to share a room cos of too many 'Oh I don't mind sharing, but you really wouldn't want to share with me cos I snore/eat people/singing rousing Christian hymns/ in my sleep type comments. (clever buggers)

" I shit myself" didn't seem to put anyone off (or not C anyway who has shared with me before)

Dinner. Strategically placed myself next to more funner people or at least ones I don't want to stab with my fork.

F says The rule for this retreat is that you are not allowed to sit in the same place twice or next to the same person.

Is there a rule for the limit of forks one can stab someone with? Just asking...

Veggie dinner.

First meeting. Let’s say a verse first. Let’s arrange our sessions according to the planetary qualities and the Holy nights.

Is there a planet for shut the f*** up and get on with it? Just asking....

They go to bed at 10pm. I try to sneak on here but as I am opening up the laptop, A says Oh I don’t think so….! Leave that alone. This is a retreat. We need to take our thoughts into our sleep so we can come back tomorrow with them transformed. Not even a mobile signal so can't sneak on my phone under the bed clothes.

LM goes to bed and dreams of axes and murder.

Morning. I sneak up early and go downstairs to get on the computer and a bit of fun with you lot. B is there already making soup and singing and making tea. Luckily she goes back to bed and I get to sneak on and say Hi before C gets up and comes down.

Oh no, you can’t sit there this morning, you were there last night.

Lets say a verse and have a moments silence before we start and call on the angels to guide us.

Those angels never guided me out of that place like I asked them!

So what thoughts did the night bring?

best lie eh?

I think we should express our feelings about this question through the medium of colour says F.

Oh god, get me out of here please. No chance.

Poo coloured crayons and lots of sniggering later.

F says stop laughing, you have to listen to this cos E is talking about your picture. I did some squiggles and some bullshit about inspiration and joy and E starts saying oh you used mercurial colours how interesting… bblah. Thank god that’s over…

OH NO,that would be too simple and kind. We now have to deface eachothers with how things are now…. More poo coloured crayons. Try to look as if I am taking it seriously while writing my shopping list and wondering how many crayons up F’s nose would it take to stop her breathing….

Hearty walk after lunch. No thanks says LM. Oh I’ll walk slowly with you if you want says B. No, sniff, its fine, I need a rest, don’t let me hold you up etc…. my hips... you know...

They go off, I leap up and get computer and log on only to hear F outside the door. Its raining.She's shelter ing from the rain outside the door talking very loudly. arrgghhh Shut down computer and go upstairs and try up there. F goes away again switch on computer and then the others come back minus D and F.

Give up. More verses and metaphors and pictures and loss of will to live.

Dinner. Oh you can’t sit there….

After dinner F suggests we all sing a rousing song together... LM thinks of songs about murder and escape... and then laid on the sofa and pretended to be asleep and say I might not make it through this session, you know cancer and that.... . It was that or kill F and possibly a couple of others too. F started hectoring everyone into getting her own way which I hate when everyone else goes quiet and gives up so I ‘woke up’ and argued back. Got grumped at for arguing.

They went to the pub apart from B who went to bed. A had a half of real ale. The rest had juice. I feigned tiredness and went to bed. As soon as they were out the door and snuck on here and called for help. I also snuck back down at bedtime saying I was too tired to sleep and unwound with you lot and word games on FB.

Morning…. Argue, don’t sit there, verse, barley cup, lentils, I want a new job. I hate you all. Cancer is bad enough, what did I do to deserve this?

Oh and to top it all, a message that my lovely boss who paid me full wages rather than SSP as it was his discretion so the governors could damn well do as he says and ‘ understands’ if you know what I mean, anyway he’s leaving at the end of the year. Poo.

So I am home and back with you lot and back to school tomorrow so got to prepare some lessons.

And the moral of the story is…

If anyone invites you to knit your own yoghurt, or uses the words express, medium and colour in the same sentence, run my precious ones, run like the wind.

The bar is open for steak tartare, gin and coffee.

Little My x

No Balloons but Ooooh shiny things! aka appointment with a surgeon and lunch with Odin!

2011-12-28T15:08:47Z

So Little My got up early and tried out her new shiny thing from her bruv… a sat nav and drove to the shiny new hospital somewhere in the middle of some unpronounceable middle of nowhere place in Wales. Oooh shiny hospital… all single ensuite rooms instead of wards and shiny corridors etc. Very empty.

Got to the shiny weirdly colour coordinated waiting room of orange and grey... and only me and an old couple in the corner… oh not have long to wait then thinks LM.

“Little My to sub-waiting area 2 please” shouts the tannoy and your name comes up on the telly too OOOH! THere's posh!

Ah, it’s like those roller coaster queues that they hide round the corner so you don’t realise how long you have to wait…

So, off to Sub shiny waiting room and nice nurses waiting to weigh you. What is their obsession with weighing you??? Anyway, I must be the only person in the country to have magically lost weight over Christmas… or Its just their scales are different from GC’s! So 1 kg lighter than Friday… sit down to wait. I didn’t sleep well last night and then drifted into weird dream territory just before I had to wake up. So I was pretty tired and wished I could have a nap. Sat with eyes closed thinking that it would be nice to have the op here, even if no one could come and visit cos it’s in the middle of bleedin nowhere….

Saw a dippy looking registrar standing in the corridor who didn’t really look like he knew what he was doing reading notes and passing people onto SC. Hoped I didn’t get him cos I thought he would just say Oh I don’t know…

Eventually get called in and its SC. Ooooh haven’t seen you in ages he says (He was the one who gave me my diagnosis) You’re doing really well (hoorah!) He read my notes and I tried to read them upside down cos I’m nosy like that. I like SC cos he doesn’t patronise you and he uses big words and tells you what’s what.

So he says that GC says I am doing well, and he reckons I have a lot of stenosis and maybe baggy can’t be reversed. He says they are wimps and don’t know what they are on about and he thinks he can do it. He said ‘we used to call them burners’ cos they just burn your tumours off! And to think that GC is so complimentary about him haha.

We can leave baggy as it is, convert it to an end one, repair the prolapse or reverse it and see what happens… i.e. whether you shit yourself or not. What do you fancy? Oooh choices, choices!

I have discovered a scale of Drs and how ‘OUCH sorry’ they are or not. FC is gentle and almost doesn’t dare and asks if you are ok constantly. GC does dare and says sorry but is quite gently. SC just makes you scream and doesn’t say sorry! The nurse asked if I was ok, he just rammed his finger up there and said, there… that’s dilated enough now to get my finger up there… that’s all you need!

Oh really? Squeaked Little My…. Biting holes in the couch again…

So, he recommends that I try and get the bag reversed. If I am then shitting myself, he’ll give me a new bag and a better stoma that won’t prolapse and won’t leak poo. He’ll do a bit of ‘stretching’ too while doing the op… I don’t want to know how thank you very much! I’ll be asleep and that’s all I care about! So we didn't actually talk balloons- sorry you lot, no big puns to be had.

He did say that the damage I have is quite a lot and it will probably get worse over the years as the radiation can cause the tissue to start to thin and grow new blood vessels and that can cause colitis and bleeding and other nasty things and I may end up needing a bag again in the future… but this way I should get a good few years at least bagless. They don’t tell you all this at the time, do they?

So, why not I guess. He’ll dilate things a bit when he does the operation and he thinks that will do the trick. (so I don’t have to go ballooning beforehand.. phew!)

He said that cos of the way the wound is, they have to leave it open after the op and allow it to heal over itself.. something to do with not being clean or something and that involves having daily dressing changes for 6 weeks afterwards!! 4-5 days in hospital for the op or longer if I don’t do a poo… That made me laugh that they won’t let you go home until you have done a poo… wish hotels did that- pre-hefty I could have stayed in for weeks! As I am at the moment, I will be in hospital for about 2 minutes!

OK, I’ll book you in he says. Do I have any choice of when? Asks LM hopefully….

Oh go on then, he says . January was pretty much booked up he thought and then proceeded to tell me all the ops he had to do and how many a week he does and blah blah (my god this man can talk the hind leg off a donkey!) , February I am taking my class on a trip and have this course thing in Canterbury so I plumped for mid March so I can have the Easter Holidays to recover too. If I do it all in term time, I will be worrying about going back possibly earlier than I should so this way, I get 2 weeks off and then 3 weeks hols to recover. Plus they have booked a teacher for 3 weeks in March to cover some of my lessons too. He said March it is, I’ll get the secretary to book you in and he wrote on it Do not cancel!!!! Hahaaa Get in! I think I am very very lucky with my doctors. They are both very helpful and nice.

Then It’s see if you shit yourself or not! If not, all is ok for a few years at least. If I do, then back in to have another permanent one done. Hmmm. Was hoping they would be able to tell a little bit more before hand but hey ho. Don’t want to stay as I am so I guess it’s worth a gamble of one op or two.

He then blabbed on and on about chemistry and his medical training and how rubbish all the new doctors are now cos they don’t get the training and you can’t even leave them to do an appendectomy on their own and how few hours they work compared to what he did in his day and all about radiologists and breast cancer and had I ever seen a boob years later, cos that was what my bum would look like... eh???? what??? and what he got for his A levels and what board of exams he did and what college he went to and and and blah blah blah!!!

Blimey… felt sorry for the woman after me cos she was kept waiting ages!

Oh and the op is in the other old hospital and not the shiny new one. Still, ems lives down the road so she might come and visit if she’s not off having her stem cell at the same time! P doesn't drive and all my friends live quite far north of me so I don't get many visitors when in... don't mind actually really but it'll be niice if ems comes along :)

The nurse gave me a head tilt when he told her I had cancer… guess most of the others there are just there for other bowel conditions. Different to the cancer hospital. (well, durr LM of course it is!) We had a joke that I got a bag from him for my birthday last year, so this year, I get a Dyson (Tim’s awful pun of bagless) He seemed to think if made it to a year without it coming back, there was a pretty good chance it wouldn’t… so fingers crossed eh? Half way there!

Anyway, then went into Abergavenny and met Odin for lunch!!!! He had saddled up Sleipnir for his x ray. Ems was also in the other hospital having her R stuff or she could have joined us too.

So Little My had lunch with Odin the Allfather aka Colin. It was lovely to meet him (but a bit weird same as when meeting ems for the first time) I wasn’t blond and he wasn’t 7ft tall… hahaaaa BUT he did give me chocklit and a little shiny thing too Yay!Noce to have me you, Odin. How cool to have met 2 of warped and how weird that some of us actually live near enough to each other to meet… Ooooh who’s next??? haha.

And back home. Going to take Max home tomorrow morning and stay in our swanky hotel for the night Get In!!!!! Might sneak a photo of it to make you all jealous! Or, I’ll find the name so you can look on the internet.

Hilary, I will wave at the sea for you as I drive past it.

I think I wrote something soppy on my last blog that got attacked by the moderators… anyway, thanks all you lovely lot for your support and love this year. For someone who doesn’t have much of a family, you are bloody wonderful!

Bernard the Brandy carrying St Bernard is trawling up and down the blog with reviving Brandy for you. Help yourselves.

Little My xxx

a visit to GC's Grotto and God Jul One and All...

2011-12-23T18:57:38Z

Went to see GC today, in case you hadn’t heard already (as if!!!) . Was tempted to do the musical light up antler style merkin to give him a laugh, but then thought he might run away screaming so best not eh? Still, the idea made me snigger.

So just the polished shiny bum and Rolos in and off we go…

The place was really crowded and there were extra clinics etc on (I guess to see everyone before Christmas) Usually it’s just me and the 80 year old ’oooh don’t you look well’ club on bum day but today there were loads of other people too – some even younger than me!! (which I don’t like to be honest)

The nice blood nurse wasn’t there and I got the man who is also nice, but not as good as getting blood from my veins who usually like to play hide and seek with your average phlebotomist.( What a great word!!) So as he was teasing the other lady, I offered to thump him for her… he then in revenge tourniquet-ed both my arms to no avail and tried both hands and in the end with a lot of jggling of needles did it from the back of my hand. OUCH. Still hurts now.

Little My to Room 6 please… Off I go and today GC comes sweeping in .I haven’t seen his lovely shiny face the last two times, and I was beginning to think that FC was my new fave cos he does make me laugh, but actually seeing GC again reminded me why I called him that. He is a gorgeous consultant in so many ways…

Hi LM, How’s the vaginal dilators going? Scarring loosening up?

Hmm not a bad opening line… thinks LM.

Want to help me out on that one? Thinks LM OOOOOH you naughty girl… slapped wrists and all that.

So we do the ‘waterworks’ and ‘bowel department’ chat. I love their euphemisms so much. I find it so odd though that he can walk into the room and bellow out how’s your vagina and then say waterworks to me and how are things in the bowel department!

So, small talk over, onto the couch.

Usual comments of Nice Groin and ‘feels good’ etc snigger.

OUCH! Sorry, ouch, sorry, - as usual.

So, usual stuff about the state of my bum and he says that SC will want to stretch it to properly break up the scar tissue. Ouch says LM.

Oh don’t worry, you’ll be asleep he says.

Phew.

‘Its still early days he said about my shit energy levels (as Stinker keeps telling me!) but you will get there and it’ll be Spring too and that’ll help… errr why? Cos of the chocklit at Easter maybe??

Anyway, he tells me there is new advice for extra scans to be done so they are going to follow it. He said it was cos a lot of doctors have no experience of my cancer type as there aren’t many of us around. He said that he did all the bums in the SE of Wales so he knew what he was feeling for. For some reason that really made me laugh.

So, he said that he would let me go for 3 months this time and next check up he’ll order a scan. The rest is over to SC next week and the more I hear about it, the more sore it sounds.

So How cool is that??????? Hahaaaaa. Half of me thought that is what would happen cos that is what should happen, but of course there is always that bit of you that does the what ifs…

Sunday shiny bum decided to celebrate by crapping for the rest of the morning non stop and my bum aches too much to sit on it after GC rummaging for his Rolo and the pooing.

Back home and P was welling up with tears. I forget how stressed he gets about it cos he never says anything and always does this ‘oh its only cancer, you’ll be fine’ sort of thing… but I got the biggest hug ever from him and big grins from Max and loads of lovely messages from you lot too so I am a very happy My indeed!

Now to the important business: Christmas. So Max and I decorated the tree this afternoon. (he moved the necessary furniture and had done the garden this morning!)

As you know, I am half Swedish so do a Swenglish Christmas. (half and half). My tree is pure Swedish. I’ll explain. The Swedes are basically a bunch of pagans. We nod to Christianity but all the symbols are pagan. Easter is symbolised by witches and black cats and Christmas is gnomes (tomtens) and pigs and toadstools etc.

So my tree does not have a bauble or tinsel in site… It is bedecked with stars and apples and toadstools and pigs and reindeer and all kinds of funny things and I love it!! I’ll see if I can get a photo to maybe persuade you to go Viking pagan. Sorry, couldn’t get one. Imagine it. The house will be draped in ivy too tomorrow J

We celebrate on Christmas eve so I do a bit tomorrow and a bit on Christmas day too so for me tomorrow is the start of Christmas J

So, on warped will be your Christmas mission from me and on blogland I want to wish you all a

GOD JUL

And the best Christmas for you, whatever that may be…

Thank you all for being such a wonderful family to a Little My who doesn’t have much of a real one and I feel so lucky and blessed to have such an amazing lot of amazing people as friends/family on here.

Yuletide love and blessings to you all

Little My xxx

Silent Night and a mouse and an elephant...

2011-12-16T19:25:21Z

It’s the end of term. I have been back at work for a whole term and managed whooo hoooooo! I am still only part time but didn’t think I would manage to last the course so am very happy and very very tired!) We had a Christmas concert pageant/festival thingy at school. Two performances as we can’t fit all the parents in the hall at once. Music teacher asked me if I would sing the alto part to Silent Night.. Yeah ok says Little My, not realising that he meant on my own and not with everyone else!!! Panic in the streets… earplugs sold out… glasses wrapped and packed away…Dogs locked indoors, babies swaddled and hidden… let’s just say I am not a natural singer. It takes me ages to learn and to keep in tune but I kind of like doing things to push me out of my comfort zone every so often. A friend did point out that this year, I had had my comfort zone expanded rather a lot already and perhaps I didn’t need to do the singing too.. Oh yeah, cancer. Forgot about that! Ha ha. Anyway, I was very nervous, butstood up and sang with the other 3 really good singers and did it. Yay! Today was not as good as yesterday but it was ok and my class made a big fuss and no one perforated their eardrums! What's that you say? Can't hear you....

So, lots of cute little kids in lamb costumes and dressed as angels and all that stuff and my big hulks reciting Eliot’s The Magi Aww I was proud of them. I got the obligatory head tilts from the audience.. aww look at her singing... bless tilt tilt. wonder when the tilts stop? Oh and there is still one parent who won't look at me still! weird. I followed her to the car park just for fun he he. Couldn't get her to look at me though- she's good! i will get her though mwa ha haaa.

The parents of my class gave me a hamper of goodies… lots of choccies and crisps and bisucits and candles and jams and stuff. Yum.

The kids in my class gave me a little knitted stripy elephant that they had made. :)

We also have this thing called advent friends (I think others call it secret santa?) where you get a pressie from someone. I got the cutest little felted mouse they had made for me- they know what a softie I am hahaaa. I’m going to try and take a picture of them so you can see at the bottom...

After yesterday and my bag leaking spectacularly (all down my legs, underwear, trousers.. the works! just as I was about to go and teach and then sing… (and thank god for dyson hand driers that dry clothes too I discovered!) No shitey disasters today though I had my first sprouts of the season at our Christmas lunch and oh dear… that’s going to be fun! Parp…

Me and Dave did a bit of careful waiting and watching as the table filled up for lunch.. so we got sat next to fun people for our Christmas lunch – someone called our end of the table the naughty corner! Can’t imagine why…. snigger.

Don’t know if I have said in blogland about idiot colleagues. I think I have. 2 of them are unspeakable and have been creating a lot of mischief and stirring up nastiness etc recently. One of them made me cry yesterday after a meeting. I was so cross that he got to me, but at least I held out till he had gone away… I now call him Nobhead cos he is a nobhead.Actually I call him other things too but this is blogland so nobhead is as bad as it gets. You can guess the rest! I avoided him and his nasty sidekick during the day but you would have been proud of me at lunch… I went to get a coffee. There wasn’t much left and she (nasty sidekick idiot colleague) came up to get one and moaned that there wasn’t any left. I wanted to smack her in the face but I poured half of mine into a cup and gave it to her…! Here, have half of mine says LM smiling sweetly…

My mate M came up and said Oh you’ve only got half a cup… I told her I gave half of it to nasty colleague instead of smacking her in the mouth. M laughed and said that she had found most people preferred a coffee to a smack in the mouth... Well, you learn something new every day!

So, Little My is magnanimous in public and then she comes on here and tells you what she really wants to do to them mwa hahaaaa. I also told my class off for being purile and going on about poo. I then come on here and make poo puns with Christmas carols on warped... If only they knew....!

As I was leaving for home one of the management ladies who normally does the kind reasonable positive' let’s all be friends and everyone is lovely really' thing came over and gave me a hug and said Have a good break and don’t let the bastards grind you down! Cos they are bastards. We’re behind you and we’ll lance this boil when we get back!

So, I am upbeat and happy again. I am so touched that my class of hulking great big 16 year old ‘cool’ kids knitted me a toy elephant:) and Max is coming home on Wednesday :) for at least a week. P has bought me loads of pressies to make up for all the years of crap pressies and Christmases he says :)(cancer perks)

Now, just got that bit of my ‘other world to do’

Got to see GC on the 23^rdfor my check up. I had a bit of a swollen lymph gland in my groin that makes me a tad nervous at night when those things bother you, the rest of the time, I am sure all is ok and its nothing… I only want good news from GC (or FC) cos it’s the day before my Swedish Christmas so that would be too crap for words if it wasn’t good news the day before Christmas so it’s not going to happen cos I say so. There. And then it’s off to talk bum ballooning on the 28^th with the surgeon and continence specialist har har. That’ll be fun... not.

So by the new year I am hoping that I should know whether operations are doable and likely and when and whether my Sunday best bum will behave itself again or not and what needs to be done to make it behave...

In-between sleep wonderful sleep mmm cos I am so so knackered and me and P and Max snuggled up together with a tree and our cats and snuggly Christmas loveliness. :) I am not a sociable party goer at Christmas.. it is lock the door, light the fire, and snuggle in front of the tree and sod it if you don’t get dressed pyjamas rule!

Got to get a tree and presents and send cards and all that stuff cos working has made me too spoonless to do it before now. eeek!

2011 was shite really so here’s to the back of it. Though on the positive side, I made some of the best and most supportive friends this year :) You lot! So thank you and love you xxx

Mulled wine at the bar tonight and cheesy Christmas songs on the juke box. Pull up a chair and sit round the crackling log fire… Cheers me dears!

Little My xxx