teresaeth

goodbye my lovey dad xx

2010-11-26T16:48:07Z

Well its been nearly nine weeks since i lost my wonderful husband errol,, it still seems like yesterday, my dad has been really poorly also so have been running backwards and forwards to be there for him at the same time.

Dad passed away on saturday , i had been with him all day holding his hand but he decided to go while i was on my way home,,, will miss him so much but i know he is now at peace and in a better place, he was so independent and when he needed caring for in a home we knew he was sad at how much his life had changed.

I cant believe that i have lost my husband and my dad so close, i always thought i would have errol to support me when dad died , but i have had to get on with it yet again,,

My life has changed completely i have to support myself now and i really don't know which way to turn,, i need a job i havent worked for so long as errol always looked after me,, i have two dogs who i adore and without them these last few weeks i know i would have not even got out of bed ,,, so now what do i do how can i support us all when i cant work full time and leave them alone all day,,,

Benefits !!! i really thought that they would give you time to grieve but oh no go to work now or no money.

So my plan is to make the funeral arrangements for my dad and lay him to rest on tuesday,,, then who knows

can't stop the tears

2010-10-31T17:57:43Z

Well it,s been 5 weeks since errol passed away and all of a sudden i can't stop the tears, i am sure this is probably normal, i still cannot believe i will never see him again i think it is starting to hit home what has happened,

My dad is also in hospital with suespected lung cancer he is 87 and i am very close to him , i go everyday to see him , there is no one else to go, i feel like i am being punished , it has so many bad memories for me i can see the window from the carpark where errol died, and have to take the same lift,, it always seem to stop on level 3 where i want to get out and go to the room errol passed away,, usually end up in tears in the lift every day

I have a great family and friends i dont want to breakdown in front of my family as i know they are going through the same,,, and my friends are great but talking doesnt help they can't bring him back to me.

I feel so alone and scared , we were always together and i miss him so much and i cant believe i havent seen him for 5 weeks and wont ever again,

it doesnt seem real

2010-10-12T15:32:41Z

Its been a week since errol's funeral and all went well there were so many people there, made me smile knowing how many friends he had.

And now i have to carry on but my life has changed so much i don't know where to start,, i have kept myself busy because the minute i stop i cry but i feel bad for being busy if that make any sense. I know there are so many on here who have lost someone and we are all different and cope in different ways there is no right way i am sure ??

When errol was poorly it seemed like it was forever but now i realise that his illness was very short Feb - Sept am still shocked that it has happened so very numb and want to pretend that he is having a lay down upstairs

we never made it to birmingham

2010-10-01T17:50:07Z

Hi everyone, so much has happened since i was last on here, errol was poorly and needed a blood transfusion , home again but still not feeling so good,,, then he started with a cough doctor said it might be a chest infection so a course of antibiotics were taken,,,,

trials for birmingham were coming up but i was sure that errol was not well enough ,, but nothing was going to stop him taking part thats for sure,,,, then we found out that he needed a heart scan before they would consider him doing it,,, so it meant we had a bit more time for him to be feeling better .

the cough was not going and was having to have more oramorph to stop it, but then he started coughing blood so we ended up back in the royal city hospital on the 10th september,,, they thought it could still be a chest infection so was given antibiotics intravenously , still no better x ray showed possible fluid on lungs and maybe cancer had spread in lungs.............

I was allowed to stay with errol the whole time and had a little camp bed that was put up each night ( i told errol i was having a sleep over ) the nurses are so lovely and made me feel very welcome

errol was now put on oral antibiotics and the fluid was not able to be drained because of where it was, so next step was to get some oxygen delivered to home ready ( he seemed to need oxygen to ease his breathing )

we ordered a bed for home so that he would be comfy and propped up all was set for home on friday 24th

errol was 59 on 19th september and had a great day lots of visitors balloons and cake

. wedsnday the 22nd errol suffered a heart attack ...............

but he never stopped fighting and passed away on saturday 25th at 4.20 pm

i never left his side and all his family were there and right now i still cannot believe my lovely brave errol is no longer here I AM EMPTY .............................

me again, not sure whats happening ??

2010-09-01T17:24:14Z

Only wrote a blog a few days ago on how things seemed so much better and now i am not so sure,,

called the doctor yesterday errol is not feeling very well again very sleepy started coughing during the night and has a lump appear on his chest.

Wasnt our usual doctor and she said he might have a chest infection although she listened and said it was ok, doesnt know what the lump is and to show the doctor on monday when we go to birmingham regarding a trial, i was feeling not so good last week so maybe he has got something from me.

I am worried that he is not well enough to take part in a trial, i just dont know what will happen next .

My car failed its mot today and i wanted to shout at the poor bloke in the garage "WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS FAILED I HAVE GOT ENOUGH CRAP HAPPENING AT THE MOMENT FOR GODS SAKE !!) i didnt just thought it in my head and this is why i am home writing this and not at local police station lol xx

Things have been better

2010-08-29T13:28:52Z

Hi everyone, not been on here for a while, errol has stopped his stutent because it wasn't working and making him so ill,,, we have been to Birmingham to see if he can take part in a trial will know if this is an option in September,, with no chemo errol has been feeling much better and i have felt like i have my lovely husband back,,, we even managed a lovely weekend away with our daughter and husband in devon , it was so nice to get away although errol was tired and feels the cold so much, we had the best time,,, . I have felt like we have been back to normal a bit ,, he is tired a lot and not eating very well and on a good day we take our dogs for a walk and he is carving our names in the tree. I am worried that if he does take part in a trial he will get really ill again with the side effects and it will all start again THE REALISATION THAT HE HAS CANCER I AM SO SCARED ..

just one of those days

2010-07-25T19:34:07Z

feeling quite down today, errol is doing good at the moment cause sinitib is coming out of his system so not as sleepy, ( he seems quite distant sometimes not sure what this is ) not heard about the trials yet still waiting, worried that he will be feeling good and then will try something that will make him so ill again.

have been to see my lovely dad today he is in a residential home he is 87, i havent been able to go as often because i am looking after errol, i cried all the way home , he is not well very tearful and down , i feel guilty because i cant be there for him.

my mum is also in a nursing home, i have two brothers who live in london one is very poorly with a heart condition and terminal,

so sorry to be full of gloom and doom but i am very scared i know that i am going to lose a lot sooner rather than later

sinitib not working now what ????

2010-07-16T12:52:43Z

what a week, errol has been in hospital feeling quite poorly again very confused, ct scan on the brain was clear and we were so happy , but that didnt last long cause then we were told the comparason ct scan was not good more mets on his liver, some had stayed the same but more had increased in size so sinitib is not working so advised to stop , that was such a shock for errol he really thought that with all the side effects it should be working, this is the first time he cried ( really cried) and i couldnt make him feel any better i wish i could so much it hurts....

we have now been offered to see if we can go for clinical trials in birmingham, i must admit i am not so sure i dont want to keep seeing him being so poorly any more, but i know that would be like telling him to stop fighting,, errol wants to go so we will , we have to keep fighting x

so tired, worried and fed up :-(

2010-07-10T14:37:48Z

errol is on his 3rd course of stutent, 1st course only managed 2 week, 2nd course managed 3 weeks but this time we have have still got 2 weeks to go but i dont think it will be possible, he cannot keep his eyes open and is very confused, this happened last time and was admitted to hospital his calcium level was slightly raised weekend on a drip and no better, pain is worse , everyone is great district nurse is our angel, doctor brill, but i am so scared never knowing what the next day will bring, i feel so helpless

hello again

2010-07-03T17:16:56Z

hi, just had my first go in the chat room :-) was really very slow every one prob had to go before i could reply lol x but hope to get better at it,,,, errol is getting very sleepy again ( on stutent) bless him falling asleep with the remote control so i have to watch all the history channels ( wouldnt have it any other way ) last time he was on them he fell asleep with water pistol in his hands ( we have a noisy parrot that sometimes need reminding we can here him loud and clearly) anyway think errol was dreaming he was a gun fighter in the western that was on at the time ,,, and he was firing it around the front room ,,,did make me laugh xx

kidney cancer " you dont think it will happen to you "

2010-07-02T18:14:39Z

Hi, my name is teresa and this is my first blog , my lovely husband "errol" was diagnosed in feb 2010 with kidney cancer, and has secondary mets in lung, liver, and pelvis, what a shock, he had complained of pain in his leg in January but being very fit and healthy thought he had pulled a muscle training,,, after doctor visits and physio and acupuncture and then x ray and still no improvement he was referred to see orthopedic surgeon, but pain got so bad before our appointment i called a ambulance , That's when we were told that it was prob cancer and the tumour was so large that they were shocked that errols leg had not broke, , so one week later with rods and pins in place we came home to get our head around the news,, errol started stutent in march after two weeks became very poorly with the side effect so was admitted to hospital ( had us all very worried ) but after three weeks in home again, errol has had two lots of radiotherapy for pain relief and now is on his third dose of stutent, so in august we are hoping for a comparison x ray to be good ,