Screaming lack of care

Foregone conclusions

2009-11-05T10:07:20Z

i am trying not to be emotional about all of this. although i am allowed to be emotional that my father isnt here, right? the way he died, how he died, is still churning away, i push the feelings away and deal with practicality after practicality, i arranged his funeral which was one of the most difficult things, i have kept three complaints going, which feels like rubbing my head on a cheese grater. when will i have my time? my time to just relax and feel sad? i cannot allow myself to connect with all of the deep turmoil that is bubbling away inside. yes this smacks of self pity, but bloody hell, this is my little tiny and private space to rant and feel sorry for myself if i want to.

i thought after being up half the night i would sleep, but no, another hour and i look like hell. need to use exercise bike, burning off 500 calories a day is therapeutic.

i received an email from my mp yesterday informing me that the social services investigation was complete and all of my claims were unsubstantiated. apart from it being untrue, its ongoing, and misinforming my mp, a seperate dept of social services has it seems already reached a conclusion. hence the metaphorical head banging of the process. i know im going through all of the proper motions here when a conclusion has been made already.

my mother spoke to one of the people at the meeting and he said that the email should not have been sent, the investigation is ongoing and they were 'pre-emptive'.

in the cold light of day, this is just the last few months of a 69yr old man's life. and through dealing with all associated authorities, bodies, whatever, from carers, safeguarding adults teams, pct, social services, nursing homes, care providers, macmillan nurses and others, they are all the same. they lie. they do not do the right thing. they are reluctant to do anything but continue in the static status quo. it is a tremendous battle to do the right thing and i cannot believe in so little time, so many people failed. im not searching for a cure to cancer, for all the wrongs to be righted as said, but when will people be treated with some decency and dignity. the general public are treated as annoyances, problematic, reduced to consumers with no statutory rights. well, none that mean anything in the cold light of day.

my conclusion is that the current investigation with social services had a bias from the start. its conclusion was made at the very start. my complaints will always be unsubstantiated yet the word of a few incompetent nursing staff that cannot keep proper records is not questioned and is substantiated.

good day.

Outcome of investigation - tbc

2009-11-04T09:07:28Z

well, i managed to get through the meeting with social services. there were two people there and a woman taking notes. i also took notes. i think that they had intended to wrap it up there and then, and push the whole awkwardly inconveniant episode behind them. awkwardly inconveniant being my father's end of life care or lack of, being undermedicated when dying in pain, lack of nursing and more.

they began with telling me the positives that had come from the experience. that the nursing home in question had now applied to have controlled drugs on the premises and they were going to take part in something i have yet to read about, liverpool pathways (?) to better their services, and their poor note taking and records were going to be looked at. oh, and an investigation or check rather by the cqc. yet most of my complaint has been able to be dismissed as there are no records to back up what i say. i am sickened to say that even the macmillan nurse that visited my father on the day of the morphine fiasco has lied about events and conversations. macmillan nurses are far from angels. they seem to have this impenetrable halo instantly bestowed upon them, like all nurses and doctors used to.

i have requested my fathers medical notes, his care plan records, although they admit they are poor and are not worth very much as staff do no write incidents up properly. they have been unable to find the ambulance crew that would confirm we were left to help them through the building that they got lost in, nobody met them apart from my mother, not one member of staff saw or spoke to them the entire time they were there. they also suggested we made a complaint. so i have asked them to try again to speak to crew on duty. you would think it would be easy to locate the paramedics. they say not.

the dr that saw my father and instructed that he should now have his morphine via the syringe driver asap and who i must admit was extremely practical and compassionate, that communicated with us and involved us who nursed my father in his final days in decision making, that gave clear concise instruction, well that has all been denied and yet they have no statement from him. that has been requested.

i have also requested to see the statements that the home and matron have made. which refute much of what i say and how the situation was.

i keep staring at daddy's ashes. i still have them in my room. i see him, how he stood, spoke, smiled, and it does not correlate with the emptiness left. i have a pain in my chest, my eyes want to cry and its pushed away. as if crying would dissolve me.

well, i was strong for you daddy. please be proud, im trying my best. x

feeling so bloody incapable

2009-11-03T11:29:49Z

an hour or go til this meeting is over with. social services outcome of investigation into complaint made about G.L.W., my father. not a number, old person, dying person, dead person, non-person, doesnt matter anymore person.

will take notes. wont respond immediately. my mantra. feel pathetically useless, wondering why i am doing this, no, i know why, he was treated so bloody badly and he is my daddy...was. is.

*sigh*

two days ago i sipped a bit of his leftover morphine. this is really getting to me. im a middle aged mother that should know better, but im sinking in this rut.

i thought daddy would die, then i would grieve. instead, im left with no tears, a lifetime of bittersweet memories and dust to comfort me. dealing with people that dont care. and yes, im 36 and scared and out of my depth. and i am not ill, i am not suffering physically. im feeling sorry for myself.

so how did he feel, painfully ill, helpless and at the mercy of the carelessness of others? how can i let that go?

First Meeting

2009-11-02T09:11:57Z

i am being positively pessimistic as my meeting with social services draws closer. it is tomorrow and is the first step of my tiny complaint. i have complained to social services about the nursing home that my father died in, i have complained to the nursing home that likes to ignore me, to my mp, to the care quality commission. and those complaints are just to do with my father dying in agony, not having morphine administered and left to basically drown in the fluid in his lungs. you know, minor things, and all the other little annoyances and hurt that go along with caring for your loved and dying ones, whilst being completely ignored and left alone with 'it all'.

so, i am steeling myself for a disappointment, a brush off tomorrow.

as for my other ongoing complaint, regarding hillingdon council and providing carers for my father that stole and took advantage in almost every way, failing to provide proper care, becoming beneficiaries and executrix of my fathers will, they are supposed to be put on POVA, protection of vulnerable adults list, and barred from working with vulnerable people. supposed. when this will happen i dont know. although the lib dem shadow health secretary's team intend to 'pursue matter', isa are very unforthcoming in their communications, all i would like to know is a reasonable timeframe for this to happen. hillingdon borough council have confirmed that this is what they want to do via letter. so as for all of the public statements, and new policies, people remain working, unchecked, with sick, frail, elderly adults. they are automatically given trust by the poor damn folk that rely so heavily on them, and are still taking advantage in the cruellest way.

so this is my start. i dont expect to change the world, im too old for that. or even to right a few wrongs. just to keep fighting and make a mess, encourage others to complain, because being silent keeps such abuses happening again and again and again.