sarah61's blog

Still missing /my Wonderful Dad

2010-11-06T21:24:25Z

Well, 15 months nearly since we lost Dad now. Still miss him loads although Most of my memories of him are good ones and the few months that he was ill for are becoming distant. Everything reminds me of him, he had been an avid 'twitcher' or birdwatcher for over 50 years and of course, birds are everywhere. Once again, christmas is drawing near, a terrible time because we always spent it together and also at the beginning of December 3 days after my Mum he would have been celebrating his 80th birthday - its gonna be hard celebrating Mums but not his.

been feeling a bit concerned for my youngest son lately too, hes 8 and I think its hitting him the hardest out of my 3 boys. He's turned into an angry little chap and now and again he'll break down and say things like 'I wish grampy was here'. Course that then upsets me andwe both end up in tears. I dont quite know what to do about him.

Theres so many things I still want to ask Dad and talk to him about, he should still be here I really believe it was'nt his time. I miss him still so much

xmas without Dad

2009-11-19T11:24:13Z

Hav'nt been on for a while as i've been doing ok. Different matter today though. I've been a bit tearful for a few days now, missing dad like mad. The thought of xmas without him is unbearable. Everywhere you go now theres cards for 'Dad' theres xmas songs playing in the shops. Dad used to love spending xmas with us and our kids and I always do the whole xmas dinner being the perfect hostess. Although i've been good and done most of my present shopping the thought of xmas day and dinner without Dad is horrible. How can we celebrate xmas without the main person of the family. It does'nt seem right either not buying any xmas presents for Dad. I could really do with a hug from him at the moment. How long is this sadness going to go on for. Im sounding a bit like a manic depressive as I read this back, im not. I function perfectly with everyday life but in quiet times when kids are at school and hubby's at work and im not working your mind starts thinking of all the what if's.Gosh, this blog is really mish mash but just writing what im thinking

8 weeks today since Dad died.

2009-10-15T09:15:51Z

I Hate Thursdays !! I wake up with a dread now every thursday morning as I know that it signifies another week since my Dad died.

Today was bad. It was my boys school Harvest Festival in the local church today. I should be there really as its the first year all 3 of my boys have been in the same school, they wanted me there especially the youngest. He said this morning, I want you and Dad to be there. I told him that his Dad could'nt go as he was at work but promised that I would go. well, I did'nt. How bad is that. Breaking a promise to a 7 year old. I did actually make it into the church but after sitting there for a few minutes with my friend I could'nt help it I burst into tears and had to leave. I now feel terrible for letting my children down. I took myself up to the churchyard where Dad used to go to sit and had a damned good cry. told him how much i missed him and how much I wanted a hug from him again. Back home now with a cup of coffee and some really naughty millionairs shortbread bites. so much for my diet. I just feel so miserable at the moment. I have to pull myself together though as my eldest has a hospital appt in an hour and a quarter and I can't really turn up there looking all tearstained.

How long does these sudden outbursts of grief go on for. If only we could turn back time and do things differently. If only Dad was still here

Not as good as I thought I was !!!

2009-10-05T13:56:03Z

I thought I was doing ok over the past couple of weeks but all alone last night I thought i'd sort out some photo's of Dad to put in some frames that I bought. Major blub session!! The reality that Dad's not here in body anymore came over me and had to put the photo's away cos I did'nt want them to get wet. The guilt came again of maybe I could have done more. If I'd pushed the doctors earlier Dad may still be here. Dad should be here, he was so fit before this damned cancer got him only 11 months ago. Its not long is it, fighting fit and looking forward to a good few more years yet then bang few months later we have a frail poorly man. You always think that your Dad is gonna be around, 'specially if youre a bit of a daddys girl like me.Things just don't seem to be normal now. My 3 boys are getting on my nerves, I think I've got the worst behaved kids in the world. They wont do as their told they fight, answer back,wreck havoc in the house. I actually look forward now to when they go to school and bed, how mean is that ! My mum is quite dependent on me as she is very forgetful and can't deal with letters and bills and stuff like that. I get stressy with her tooa after telling her for the hundreth time she don't need to pay council tax now till next year. Even my hubby is annoying me. I just feel that I want to get away and be on my own. Only trouble is when you have kids and work and household chores to do you just aint got the time.

Thanks all for listening xx

Bad day today

2009-09-21T21:34:41Z

Dont know what was wrong with me today, well, I do, i'm missing Dad !! Taking the kids to school in the car....started crying. Got to work.....started crying, and so it carried on like that for a lot of the day. I keep talking to Dad out loud and kind of hear him answering. Oh my god im going mad now, hearing voices. I do like to think that Dad is talking to me. I feel him near at times, but its funny, mum went on holiday on saturday with her cousin, the holiday she was supposed to be going on with Dad. I think Dad must be with her as I've not felt him around as much. I probably do sound mad don't I. Sorry, just trying to work out this grief thing.

Love to all of you

Not Again !!

2009-09-08T12:44:03Z

After having my beloved Dads funeral on friday im wondering whats wrong with me as I thought grief was an all consuming feeling. I have been carrying on normally and getting through the days quite well. That may now change as I have just found out that my best friends husband has breast cancer !!!! He is going in on monday to have his breast removed and at the moment they are staging it at zero - which is I suppose good in a way . This now brings back all the feelings of when Dad was diagnosed and the fact that so many people have told me 'oh, once they cut you open, it spreads'.I am now so worried for him as he is only 49. He has been told that he can be tested for a certain gene to see if his children are likely to get it as well. OMG.... ! As we have only just lost Dad emotions are so raw at the moment. I dont quite know how im feeling.

Incompetent Doctor

2009-09-03T12:41:45Z

Am I just being over sensitive or do I have a reason to be feeling bloody angry. My brother and I went to read Dad's medical certificate this morning prior to his funeral tomorrow. As I was reading through there was a question about wether a post mortem had been carried out, it was ticked yes and also if they had the notes from it, also ticked yes. This being the first we'd heard about a post mortem I was devestated as my instruction to the funeral director was that I did'nt want Dad messed about with, embalmed etc. So to hear that a p/m had been carried out without us knowing was heartbreaking on top of the grief that we're already going through. After several phone calls to funeral directors, hospital, and a visit to the hospital we discovered that Dad had not had a p/m. We met with the two Doctors that had signed dads certificate and the female doctor who filled in the particular part of the form was very apologetic. Sorry, not accepted. They are supposed to be proffessional people filling in a legal document so to get something like that wrong, I feel is not acceptable. One of the other questions on the form was 'how long had they been treating the patient' well she put 19 days, wrong again as Dad had only been in hospital for 10 days. These doctors make a fortune out of filling in these forms, over £70 each, so I think that the least they can do is make sure they have the correct information in front of them. I asked her if she'd had Dads notes at the time to which she said that she had, so i don't understand where the error could have occured. Today of all days we could have done without the stress, upset and running around. Thank you, rant over xx

Confused mind - going mad !!

2009-08-30T23:18:47Z

I wish I could get my head together and sort my mind out.One minute im crying the next im ok. I know, full well that my Dad died, I was there. But it does'nt seem real to me. I cant really comprehend that hes gone. Am I in denial ? am I mad? I expect to go to his house and hes still there. Been sorting through my photos of him tonight and when I look at the photos pre cancer which was only 10 months ago, I see Dad, Dad who's always been there, Dad which part of me thinks is still here. Still feeling angry with the doctors, angry with myself even a bit cross with my poor old mum. I wish things would slot into place in my head, I think even my kids think i've gone a bit unstable. Strange when usually i'm strong and practicle. I did my reiki 1, 2 years ago and found the 21 days of self healing very calming. I think i need to find the time to reconnect with my spiritual side and do my self healing again. This blog don't make an awfull lot of sense but it stops me from talking to myself xx

Not a good day

2009-08-29T12:41:27Z

Im not having a very good day today. We went to order the flowers for Dad's funeral and one of the flowers I wanted one that Dad liked, Bella donna lillies, the florist had never heard of. How pathetic is that, although she did say she would speak to her boss. Took Mum to see Dad in the chapel of rest on Thursday. He looked peaceful but not entirely the Dad I knew and loved. I still cant believe he's gone really I keep expecting to see him walk by. I look at photos and see a different Dad to the one which was so poorly. Something that I am finding it hard to cope with is what was going through Dad's mind when we were sat at his bedside holding his hand on the night he died. He knew we were there he squeezed my hand when I arrived. All I could do was cry, what the heck must he have been thinking. Did he realise he was dying,was he scared. These things i'll never know.

Feelings and emotions

2009-08-25T21:05:26Z

Have had a fairly ok day today. Took my kids out for the day with some other mums from school. Have been feeling guilty though that I have had a good day and that i've been able to talk about Dad without breaking up. I still feel that I should be crying all day.After all its only been 5 days since my darling Dad died.Its really strange but I looked at a photo of Dad today and I thought I would feel so much pain,but I did'nt, its only as im writing this now that the tears have started. Is that it, was those first couple of days my grieving, I cant understand how I am carrying on fairly normally when I loved my Dad so much. Sorry if this don't make too much sence, I'm just writing whats in my mind.

Someone to blame

2009-08-23T06:53:02Z

Thanks for all the comforting words from my previous post. Its good to know i'm not alone, although it feels like I am. I keep thinking about my Dad and thinking that they could have done more for him. I have read about pneumonia and treatments and there seems to be so much more they could have done. Im finding it hard to get my head round the fact that they stopped treatment for Dads pneumonia in such a short time. They said he was'nt responding but surely he must have been to have been eating and drinking. He had some sips of water only an hour or so before he died. I know that nothing will bring him back and a friend has said that I should not be deliving into info on the net but I just want to know exactly how he died. I thought Doctors were supposed to preserve life. As I read this back I sound a bit irrational but I feel I cant settle untill I know everything. I know my Dad was'nt ready to die and it just seems so unfair.

I love you, my Dad

2009-08-22T06:37:14Z

My darling Dad died late on Thursday night. He got admitted to hospital whilst we were on holiday but fotunatly I got home in time.Apparently he had pneumonia.I was talking to Dad up untill Tuesday on the phone but he was so breathless I then only Spoke to the hospital.Im finding it hard to see how he could have deteriorated so quickly. When I got to the hospital on Thursday evening I asked if he was still on the antibiotics and was told that apart from pain relief they hd stopped treatment as it was'nt working.How can they do that, surely they have to try.I have read lots of info on pneumonia and it seems that they did very little compared to what they could have done, anyway, who the hell are they to say they are gonna stop treatment. I feel really angry at the moment, and sad that I could have had Dad with us for a while longer. I feel I should be sat at home crying all day, but im not. I have my moments, plenty of them but how should I be feeling??? what should I be doing. I mean, today I have to go to get new school uniform for the kids, how normal is that. I want some one blame . I want to know everyrthing. Does anyone know if I have a right to see his medical records? I just have such a muddled mind at the moment

New Pain

2009-07-25T22:25:55Z

My Dad has has 2 lots of x 5 radiotherapy for head and neck cancer. he has secondarys in his lungs. He was admitted to hospital last Friday with severe pain in the soft tissue at the back of his arm. This had been going on for a while but he had'nt told me. Mum had been rubbing in Ibulieve which Dad said had helped a bit. On Friday the Doctors examined him and he was quite tender under his arm. Alarm bells began ringing in my ears, has it now spread to his lymph nodes?? the docs were quite useless in the fact that they prescribes some codine, the pain eased so sent him home after a couple of days with a ct scan and oncologist appt pending.Someone did mention that it could be after effects of the radiotherapy, which finished around 6 weeks ago. Dad has also mentioned that the pain kind of moved to a bit further down his arm. Im completely baffled so if any one has any ideas or explanations I would be grateful to hear from you. good wishes to you all in your journey.

My Precious Dad

2009-05-24T22:28:07Z

We were told on Thursday evening that my Dads cancer had spread. He had a large tumor removed a couple of months ago and it has returned with a vengence. He has adenocarcinoma of the salivary gland. Its quite rare so im told so would be good to hear of anyone with experience of it. I feel so ANGRY, (as im sure everyone does) because i feel that the doctors really dragged their feet with diagnosing and his operation to remove the original tumor. I feel so useless as usually I can fix things but this time, I don't stand a chance. My pops is 78 but so fit its unbelievable, apart, of course from this vicious disease. I feel quite strong today but I have days when I just break down and cant control my tears, which is no good for Dad. Hes been in hospital since Monday and will be there till next Friday when his 5 sessions of radiotherapy ends. I cant seem to win as I have been visiting everyday staying for several hours because I just hate the thought of him being on his own there, but in doing this im neglecting my family of a husband (who's been great ) and my 3 boys. For this I feel really guilty. On top of that my Mums mental health is poor so I have to keep an eye on her too. Im not resentful, im really not but im scared of what the future will hold. The thought of my Dad not being here is unbearable.