i've lots of things running through my head at he moment . i'm really worried about my appointment at the marsden on friday , i guess upto now its just been scans and on friday i will be hearing the full and frank truth and i'm not sure i'm ready to hear it , well i know i'm not. what if i'm told its inoperable does that mean its terminal? , if it is terminal how will i deal with that . does secondaries mean it is terminal that it will just keep coming back . god forbid what if they tell me how long i've got , i will just be a screaming looney . a thought came over me today and kinda stayed with me and it sounds really stupid but here goes .i'm scared of dying because i'm scared of being alone i'm worried that when i die my family will stick me in a hole and walk away and i will be alone . told you it was stupid.
i'm wondering if my partner can tell professor gore on friday not to be 'too honest'with me that for my own mental well being i need to protect myself . what do you think.its my eldest son's gcse results tomorrow and i will tresusre the moment when he comes home with them ( good or bad ) i have 4 other children but i think this will be the only day like this .i've managed 2 days without the morphine , i've wanted to pretend to feel normal ,its been a struggle though.
just silly thoughts from a worried mum
FormerMember
Hi Sammie
I hope the next few days go really quickly. I'm still praying hard for you!
Fingers crossed that your sons GCSE results bring a smile to you face.
oh sammie i have just filled up reading your blog,its heartbreaking.
i do so hope you are not going to hear any of them things ,they are the words i dread most in the world.....i like you have 5 children and my eldest is getting his gcse results tommorow also . those
thoughts are not stupid at all hun ,they are natural and often pop in to my head ,for me its the thought of me being in a box six feet under not knowing how the children are coping without mum.... my died dad when i was little so i hold on to the belief that when my time comes he will be waiting for me ,it kinda helps me deal with my fear of death .....
i pray its not going to be anything like that for you tho ,maybe they would like you to take part in some new trials .......
i'm thinking of you and wish you every bit of luck
I agree it might not be the best idea to allow the doctors to be too blunt and tell you every detail. I believe people need HOPE. I understand your fears - I think most of us on this site understand the feelings you are experiencing and sympathise. I'll be thinking of you on Friday and wishing there will be some positive news.
