Sad and scared

No more pain you are free

2010-12-29T23:29:40Z

God looked around his garden and found an empty place,

He then looked down upon the earth and saw your tired face,

He put his arm around you

And lifted you to rest

Gods garden must be beautiful

He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering

He knew you were in pain.

He knew that you would never

Get well on earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough

And the hills were hard to climb.

So he closed your weary eyelids

And whispered, Peace be Thine,

It broke our hearts to lose you,

But you didnt go alone

for part of us went with you

The day God called you home

Dad passed away

2010-12-19T14:37:26Z

My wonderful dad passed away this morning at 10. 35. I dont know what to say. I feel numb. My life over the last 9 months was about helping my dear dad.now that has ended I feel a massive big void in my life. Dad you suffered so much in the last 10 weeks of life that im glad you are at peace and not suffering anymore.Now Im back at home I miss him more than ever. My husband and children have been wonderful but I still miss you daddy. You will never be forgotten all my Love teresa xxx

Only days left

2010-12-12T20:17:02Z

My heart is so heavy. Dad has slept since friday and the nurses said they will let us know the signs. Ive been with dad every step of the way since his cancer journey started in March. Im going to feel so lost when he goes. Its my little boys birthday on Friday and I pray to god it doesnt happen then. My little boy said he would be very sad if it happened then. One of my friends who is spiritual said she can see people who have passed in his room. Dont know enough about it but you have to believe in something. Im normally so organized but with all this stress i cant remember anything. Ive never felt such pain. Also thanks to all of you for all the wonderful support. Teresa xx

DAD WANTED TO GO BACK TO WILLEN

2010-12-06T11:44:12Z

I have been staying with my mum and dad but went home on friday as I hadnt seen my kids and husband. The marie curie nurse was staying so I thought it would be ok. But mum phoned me and said dad was very distressed so I came back and spent the night. He spoke to me and said he felt funny and he was going to die. It was a horrible night as I kept watching him. I spoke to the marie curie nurse and she said people sence thing even if its not that day they know the time is near. He is very adgitated and this morning mum phoned to say dads driver stopped working last night and he was in such pain. He then asked to come back to willen. WE have brought him back and he was crying saying he is dying. It is very stressful to see your loved one in so much pain. My heart goes out to all who are going through this xx

The will to live

2010-11-29T11:45:47Z

The docters are amazed at dad. he hasnt eaten for 6 weeks. His prefered place to die is at home with mum. They treated him very well at the hospice but dads happier at home. Dad has been very restless and we called out the chapline from the hospice on sunday as dad is not at peace. We have tried to talk to him but he doesnt say anything. Its so sad as he has lost so much weight and is very out of it. They sent a Maire Curie nurse round on saturday night. I also stayed with mum and they have phoned today as one is coming tomorrow night. We know the end is near but i just want dad to be at peace. We dont know what he is going through and the will to live is so great. Mum has been given great support for willen hospice and they are coming 5 times a day now. I hope dad passes in his sleep and he is at peace and no pain. Love to all who are going through this painful journey. xx

How Do You Stop Time

2010-11-16T12:58:47Z

Dad came home today from Willen hospice. He was there for 3 weeks and didnt want to spend any more time away from mum so they put things in place for dad to come home. The docter said he just has weeks left. I suppose it dosent help if he hasnt eaten for 3 weeks but we cant force him as it would make him uncomfortable. Dad is a fighter and Im so proud of him. it would be the best thing in the world if dad could make it past christmas but ive been told that would be too far ahead. I can only pray he will. Shame we dressed him this morning and his trousers fell down as he lost 10 kilos in 3 weeks. I can see why the hospice doesnt keep any scales in there. I cant thank the staff enough for all they have done. This is a very special time for mum and dad and im sure she will treasure it. I also met emma over the weekend from macmillian and it was lovely to meet her. This site has given so much support to many people xx

Dads Bithday

2010-11-04T18:54:07Z

What a beautiful day yesterday. Dad even phoned me yesterday to find out when we were coming in. We bought him balloons and presents. He got up and even managed a bath as he has been so weak but it took it out of him. it was so nice to have tracey with us and i feel dad perked up as Tracey came and it was his birthday. He had sleeps in between and we couldnt leave the hospice as dad is very weak. We even got a cake but not allowed to light the candles for health and safty. But that was ok. Dad hasnt eaten or gone to the toilet for one week. He paid for it today as he slept most of the day but we took lots of photos. Tracey had to leave today and that was hard but dad was so weak he couldnt cry. Atleast Tracey got to spend some time with him. The hospice nurses have so lovely and nothing is too much. I am truely blessed to have such an amazing dad xxx

WHAT A ROLLER COASTER

2010-11-01T06:17:32Z

Just an update on dad. He went into hospice last monday and by friday he wanted to go home. The docter didnt want him to as he was still very ill. So we respected his wishes and took him home but on Friday night hewas sick and up most of the night bearing in mind he has not slept for 5 days and they have given him so many pill and he is still fighting the sleep. He is so exhausted. Dad decided after the docter came out early saturday morning that he wanted to go back to the hospice. Things have moved very quiclkly in the last week. Dad now sleeps alot now as is more peaceful. I think he was in so much pain before. My sister is arriving from South Africa today so that will be good for mum and me but I think she will struggle when she sees dad.I have gone through so many emotions in the last week. Where does all this strength come from. If dad is sedated and is peaceful then im happy. But I am hoping if tracey arrives he wakes up. I dont know Im just talking to myself.

Am I doing the right thing

2010-10-29T06:28:48Z

dad was brought into the hospice on monday morning.He has not had any sleep for the last 4 days. They brought a specialist into speak to him as he has alot of stuff going on in his head and doesnt want to worry mum or me. Last night they gave him 4 sleeping tablets and an injection. still no sleep. i think he is too scared to sleep as he thinks he is going to die and no one is around. I think we are going to take him home. I cant bear to see him crying. I want him to be happy.

How many more tears can you shed. Please dont read if it upsets you.

2010-10-26T06:24:00Z

Poor dad has been so brave but has been bringing up black stuff. Not sure what it is. He took a sleeping tablet last night to help him sleep but was up most of the night. I dont think mum has had any sleep. I phoned mk doc last night and they were going to admit dad to the willen hospice but dad was comfortable and i didnt want to stress him out. So I think he will be going in today. Maybe he just needs some restbit and will feel beter after.Please god please dont let him go now as i cant bear to think of my dear daddy gone.This is hardest thing ever to go through.Dad I love you so much and I dont want you to be in an pain.

Dads journey

2010-10-15T12:01:33Z

Thought I would give you an update on dad. It has spread to his spine and he is doing so well. His brother is arriving today so dad is very happy about that but I can see lots of tears when he leaves. Its his birthday on the 3 november and I dont know what to buy him any suggestions? I did ask dad and he said he just wants to be alive. It was so sad to hear him say that but I always put a brave face for dad. Poor mum goes for long walks and just cries her eyes out. I feel so sorry for them as the one thing I cant give them is good health to dad.

He seems to have more bad days than good days but he looking good today. Maybe its because his brother is coming. I hope he has a nice day. He is on a patch and liquid morphine but has been very sick with it so they have given him more meds. Im sure dad could open up a pharmacy.I understand now when we take one dady at a time as you dont know what the next day brings. x

How to plan a funeral when your dad is still alive

2010-10-02T07:44:35Z

Im in such a sad place at the moment. I cant stop crying as I write this. Why do we have to go through so much pain. I ask a friend on here what do I say and she said just write from the heart. My wonderful dad was diognoised on the 8 March with oesophagus cancer. Went through lots of tests and could only have 10 days of radiotherapy which nearly killed him. But dad has been so strong and never once complained. He has now been put in the hands of willen hospice and no more can be done. I see the pain going through his body and you just wonder what all those pain killers are masking. We have been told he has weeks left . Took dad to Oxford yesterday for his last appointment and he looked so frail. Lucky we got him a wheel chair.The sparkle that was in his eyes is no longer. We are all in such pain. I worry so much for mum when dad leaves us. He wants me to plan the funeral so there is not alot to do when it happens. I spoke to the undertaker and the crematorium to sort things out. This has been so hard to do.

Dad doesnt want us to forget him and be close to us when he dies. so we are going to put his ashes in a pendant for mum and myself to treasure for the rest of our lives. x