A Crewcut by Christmas

When is 12 worse than 9?

2013-08-24T02:47:34Z

When it's the amount of weeks you are about to endure under chemotherapy. For the second time!

I, like many before me am facing the upheaval, worry and uncertainty of my cancer coming back.

There has been a good amount of resolve settle over the last few days. Throughout my experience with having had cancer I managed some laughs at It's expense. I became an active member of the Macmillan blog community for a short period during 2009 and then later in 2010. And here I am again. The pledge I made to give back the charity I was shown in 2009 materialised in the shape of a 25 mile - 3 peaks sponsored walk for Macmillan. That was nothing a couple of night's good sleep didn't fix.

However I am now facing this ugly opponent again. Not the 3 rounds of BEP chemo that was pumped through my system 4 years ago but 4 rounds of TIP chemotherapy. I would like to hear from anyone with experience of the heavy cisplatin dosed TIP chemo and what not to look forward to.

I'll keep it light and good humoured when It begins. I just wanted to start this dusty ball rolling again
and get some feedback.

Until the next time.

Robert

Spring has Sprung.

2011-03-14T11:35:54Z

Hello all.

Ive come back to take a look around to see how people are doing and to update matters for those people who sent me encouragement and support last year.

In October I underwent the abdominal lymph node dissection. I stayed in hospital for 9 days, and in that time ate 3 oranges, one weetabix and slept for perhaps 4 hours collectively. 2 nights spent in HDU struggling with the epidural balance then eventually permitted morphine after enduring the worst acute pain of my adult life. I would drift off to sleep around 15 minutes before lights on and the porters would come bustling into the ward offering cups of morning tea.

I wanted my own bed. But I was weak. weaker than a new born lamb with a serious case of the 'can't be arseds'

I needed the doctor to say yes you can go, I need the physio to say yes you can go.

'Can you climb up 5 of these steps please robert?

He asked me, after they'd wheeled me to some quiet under used wing of the hospital. So I climbed the bloody lot.

'Dya want me to keep going or...'

Safe to say I was happy to be allowed home after the physiotherapists signed me off as a fit, albeit about 18 lbs lighter than when I went in.

I then spent the rest of November and December on the sick. Building up my fitness feeling half fit around Christmas and New Year.

A visit to my oncologist in December revealed that the tissue taken away was seminoma based and If id walked into his office with a little more bounce and recovered better since surgery, then he would have suggested I begin an intense course of VIP chemo.

Not great news.

I then returned to work along with everyone else at the beginning of Jan only to be told by my manager that I wasnt needed.

I wont mention facts only that Im pursuing matters further but I kept my cool and left with dignity as many of my colleagues were doing the accusing for me.

I am pursuing a new career. One in the Health Service as a physiotherapist.

Thankfully after a recent visit in February my doctor is now confident to keep me on surveillance saying I dont need further chemo.

After all the events of the last 2 years. One thing I can be sure of is what it means to have your Health. If you lose it THEN you value it. When it returns, Its quite easy for old habits to emerge and for things to be taken for granted.

Finding a balance of normallity without keeping your past struggles as some form of war medal on display is the key.

Many of you will understand this dilemma. whether suffering with cancer or being the carer. You dont want to forget but you dont want to be reminded. Knowing that health is something that rises and falls is something I've learned to accept. One line of wisdom that helped me realise this was.

'Winter comes, regardless of whether you want it to or not'

But then again spring comes, then summer. You find yourself making plans. You then understand that this is the way its meant to be. You dont meet many people who breeze through life without a scratch on 'em. They exist yeah but I bet they're really boring when it comes to comparing scars!!

There has been financial implications too. But those will be dealt with. MacMillan and all the people involved with fundraising are and continue to be a source of guidance and support. And I really hope that this year I can carry out my pledge to give something back whether it be one of the organised hikes or personal sponsored indoor climbing (which ive yet to learn - that was the plan last year)

Wishing you all well with your own personal battles - It WILL come to an end.

Robert x

Knock Knock! - Who is it? - Cancer!

2010-08-29T01:19:24Z

Ok. first of all. I hope everyone I recall speaking with and receiving kind messages from last year are still around and thriving.

I am here again. My cancer has re-emerged from the dark recesses of its poisoned pit of ugliness to try and get another foothold. and im not having it!

My oncologist told me a few days ago that I am going to need a RPLND - a lymph node dissection.

Scans have shown that something is growing and needs to come out.
(heard this one before im sure) I havent been given a date as yet, the surgeons who perform this delicate operation are few and as such are probably returning from their caribbean holidays to a mountain of requests.

When I DO get a date I shall be able to focus on it like a boxer prepares for his next big fight. so bring it. Ill even shave my own tummy for the big day.

If anyone would like a little background on my experience with bollock cancer, please feel free to peruse my posts from last year, seems the new macmillan site layout has wiped all the comments and those in my friends list. so do come say hello.

Robert. :)

Im done with CHEMO!!!!!

2009-08-05T16:01:30Z

On the 24th of April, this year. I was sitting alone in a small room in a very large hospital. A man walked in, introduced himself and asked me to drop my trousers. He told me his name and that he was one of the chief urologists. Within 2 mins of inspecting me. He said these words. 'Well Robert. Im not going to waste any time sending you down for a scan. You do have cancer. and well....that (points) has got to go.' I smiled....the I grinned....then I shook my head...while smiling still.. ten minutes later, while sitting in surgical pre-assesment I stood up and walked a few yards and shed more than few tears as the realisation dawned on me. 2 days later I found my resolve and was ruthlessly determined to beat this. 3 days later I was undergoing surgery to 'remove' part of me. The recovery of that surgey is something I will never forget and neither willI I forget the time I waited to be told of my results and what treatment I was to face. Today, I have been given the last of my chemotherapy - that little bag of bleomycin....horrible stuff!!!! Today I have ended the regime that was explained to me many many weeks ago. Today I have looked at myself as one of the luckier ones. I have met only a handful of men and women all going through treatment for cancer, all from different backgrounds. I have come across some guys who's futures are quite bleak but still continue to fight it. I will continue to fight it. I am merely a percentage, a statistic now. I have come through the other side of this a person who who never took his health for granted in the first place but has realised the importance of TIME. its not the shock of being told I had cancer that was the lighting bolt up the arse. It wasn't the feeling of wanting the bad days of chemo to end or the not wanting to go back to hospital that gave me focus and determination. It is the lack of control, the 'sentence' passed down to deal with the cancer and having those months of your life utterly compromised with months of treatment, hoping that things will work and what are you going to do if they dont.?? TIME goes very slow in hospital...it does for me. There isnt much left of 2009. but im telling you now. im not hanging about!!. I dont like to think of it as catch up..Ill do it at my own pace. I have approached Macmillan fundraising team in West Yorkshire and look forward to putting some of my energy into their ongoing efforts. I caught my cancer early and in so doing have been given a very good outlook. I have met some people who havent. If I cant take advantage of my strength and determination and use it to help those that helped me then I consider that pretty bloody ungrateful. the last 4 months has given much to think about...But now im finished with chemo, I can start to build on all the things Ive had to sideline. I wish everyone well with their own personal battles be it yours.....or someone else's Heres a link to a song that sums things up very well, one I found particularly inspiring. 'All the plans that you made....but your plans blew away' yep :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqT7Tpn4KWk Goodbye for now -- Robert

Poison me some more why dont ya!!

2009-07-05T22:09:01Z

Well its been a lengthy spell since my last post..been getting a bit of jip off friends and fam for not having honoured this blog board with witty reposts and light hearted banter. plus I thought id just make sure that you all know im doing well :) So let me begin by updating matters.. Im being POISONED.....and its not nice!! If you look at the pictures Ive uploaded, one will no doubt be able to assume that certain hair loss has taken place. as was fully expected. and it hasnt stopped there, of course all of you who have had to endure this terrible symptom will already know...it doesnt stop there...But thankfully what with having such an athletic physique anyway...the loss of BODY hair has only served to transform me into an smooth bodied olympic swimmer capable of cutting through water like a razor though butter!. well.....maybe....If I switch off the big light and turn three quarters and suck in a little.. Chemo - bloody- therapy.....?? its therapeutic is it??. to have your insides knotted and spend all day burping and thinking your going to throw up last years christmas dinner.? therapeutic to have a ringing in your ears and wonder if your going to have to buy an eyebrow pencil when eventually your real ones are stuck to the pillow one morning??. Ive thought about this..I might buy some double sided sticky tape -- and when the buggers are hanging on for dear life....Ill whip the tape over 'em then peel off the reverse side...and stick em back on....maybe upside down!! just for a laugh. Or I could have a Mr Benn type array of disgusies, different cut out and stick on eyebrows to suit ones mood..Puzzled. Surprised, Furios, Curious...the list goes on. Im 5 weeks into a 9 week course up at Jimmys in Leeds - and they're good. the food however is not so good. So its brown bread sandwiches for me im afraid. but its not a hotel is it. Ive spent my second period of 3 days in hosp..and been going for once a week top ups of Bleomycin...which has been seriously affecting my lungs so my docs have omitted 2 of the 4 possible occasions to give it me coz it dusny agree wiv me. Im receiving BEP chemo - Bleo - Etoposide - Cisplatin. and its not going too bad. Shortness of breath, knotted insides......erm...BALD head!! anyone noticed? but Id say im doing ok..and after sharing a room with 3 other men in Jimmys last week that were all worse off than me..I took a lot strength from their courage and thought that Id should be very thankful for the early diagnosis of my Cank...coz some of those boys were not so lucky. Chris. Les and George...all strong men. Finally Id just like to add that I was given a visit by a Macmillan Social Worker - Elaine - who looked at my case for help towards travel expenses and duly delivered..Macmillan have honoured me with a grant towards paying my Car Tax so I can still travel to leeds for treatment and do my normal business - this is my way of going on the record to say I will do MY BIT to raise money for Macmillan as soon as im fit and well again. coz they are very very welcome :) Ok thats enough waffle - hope everyone is clinging on and looking forward to at least SOME of this summer. I will be back soon with various other stupid photos....all the best :) Robert

Mmmm....Grapefruit!

2009-05-20T13:22:42Z

Its been a while since I was last seen hobbling around the blog board with a funny walk and baggy jogging bottoms - So I thought I should update matters. I Have in the last 2 weeks been to St James hosp in Leeds twice now. Fabulous building, never seems to look too busy, everythings well hidden away and the staff are generally very good. I say generally as the oncologist I saw last week was a little bit confuzzled. He at first told me my cancer was 'non - seminoma based' - then it was 'seminoma based and that their was a strong chance that the CT scan results would show that the cancer has spread - sorry NOT spread' (im in character here). The prefererred treatment for seminoma based cancer Robert would be chemotherapy' 'Is it??? - I said - hmmmm that contradicts basically every sodding thing ive read on the webternet! ' Sorry I mean non seminoma' He said ...confused yet?...I bleeding was....I was also confused as to why this obviously learned Dr and specialist oncologist couldnt find a pair of trousers that actually fit him correctly? grey chinos --- at extreme half mast!.....black socks......brown shoes!!. something about him suggested I should seek a second opinion :) I got my second opinion today when I returned for my CT scan results (everyone must have already written what a fabulous experience it is to sit for an hour prior to your scan and drink that foul sulfate. aniseed solution diluted in an imported orange squash....mmmmmmmm ). There is some good news. I have Stage One cancer. It appeared that the bad stuff was contained in my dearly departed right bollock and all that did show was the obvious trauma (milking it here) of my hematoma. Im still not completely recovered yet and have to face 2 oclock If I want to aim my piddle in a straight line!! My tumour markers of Beta HCG have come right down to 50..this was the level LAST weds. It was explained to me today that should my level drop to ZERO by next weeks final blood test then I face the option of going on a monitoring programme - where I may never need to see them again OR possibly develop cank years down the line. then be required to undergo a much more concentrated course of chemo, More aggresive than the 6 week course explained to me as the fail safe option. If my tumour markers HAVENT dropped to zero by next week - then they will be asking me to start the 6 week chemotherapy anyway. Now for those people that know me. the prospect of undergoing chemo and suffering hair loss is undoubtledly going to cause much debate as to whether or not my hair might grow back different! To say that I have MORE than my fair share of head hair is putting it mildy. I have often needed to think of witty retorts to such amusing observations upon my bonnet as: Carpet head. Microphone Head, CurlyWurly!. amongst several other side splitting and truly ego boosting phrases!. On the positive side I DO posses a forehead. and 2 eyebrows rather than 1 - Plus im devastingly handsome - so.....how indeed is my hair going to grow back.....Im thinking of running a sweep, perhaps I'Il develop a sophisticated grey swish. perhaps it might grow back GINGER...my son is a rusty bonnet and my beard is peppered with red hair...hehehe maybe it will be poker straight and thin enough for my barber not to swap scissors half way through. When I last got my hair cut he found 2 pencils and a triple A battery!! I shall no doubt keep you all posted :) Im off now to eat some grapefruit coz my sister told me in her hybrid Aussie/Yorkshire twang...that amongst other foods she mentioned its a great liver detoxifier and immune booster ... just what one needs when faced with the onset of chemo :) Ta ra Robert

Meat and One veg

2009-05-06T08:31:56Z

Here I am, One week after surgery and im still swollen and sore. right now at this very moment Im lying in bed with a bag of frozen mixed veg stuffed down my shorts. There's a strange pleasure after the intial shock of cold, but It seems to be doing the trick. My brother asked me in all jest if id managed to 'get aroused' at all yet. And I can safely say that whatever portion of my brain it is that takes care of that kind of thing has signed off from duty for a while. Theres no danger of the rush of anymore blood to certain parts!. This, I hope, will only be a temporary situation. If my libido IS affected by all this rummaging around, I shall have to resort to other methods, perhaps become a writer of eroticism. hehehe. Anyway Im switching these ibuprofen anti-inflammatories for something a tad more effective. Spoke to my GP on the phone and will pick them up today. Cant wait for my bits n bobs to start resembling something less nausea inducing.

Back from the brink - with 50% Off!!

2009-05-03T14:27:31Z

Well im back...now with 50% off (the right one) It was all going according to plan. I felt well enough to walk down to theatre and met my surgeon again (big Irish fella) and walked into the prelim room prior to having surgery, He turned to me and calmy said " lay yourself out on the floor Robert and get comfortable, we dont normally supply pillows but I can ask around if you like...." that instantly warmed me to him. He'd told me earlier that he himself had lost a friend (testicle) 30 yrs ago, so I regarded him as a more than qualified urologist to tell me about recovery etc. Surgery - I was told - went very well. I woke up shuddering however, I was aware where I was, sort of. But couldnt help asking 'Where am I....am I on a boat??' the morphine was just keeping the pain under. I started to worry about the shaking and why I couldnt stop it, then I started hyperventilating and my hands became numb all due to the pain emerging very quickly. I was given another three 5 mg doses of morphine by a female surgeon with the most wonderful calming voice ( I told her later before I was wheeled out how great I thought it was ;)... When I was back in my ward and being transferred from the dolly to my bed, my bed promptly collapsed about 6 inches. I was hunched up to the side and couldn't get comfortable. Family came to visit whilst I was still tripping on morphine and mumbling through an oxygen mask. When they had gone I tried settling down for a nap. Adjusting myself, thats when I felt something pop. It took about a minute for the pain to reach its peak and I was trying my best to crush the iron headboard with one hand and swear into the mask and not be understood!! The nurse came, followed by another, then another and I could feel the wound throbbing, a swelling in my groin and a warm trickle between my legs. I was bleeding internally. Even though I thought I was being careful in adjusting myself in bed I'd still managed to rupture my wound. the pain was unforgiving!. they game me another morphine shot via IV and it took ages to kick in. So i just laid there, ballooning, spitting curse words into my oxygen mask waiting for the morphine to take affect. I slept all evening and all night! So that was wednesday night. At 5:30 am the following day I woke up naturally. didnt feel too bad. Then, within 10 mins the pain came back. felt like someone pressing a car cigarette lighter into my lower abs!. My nurse emergency button wasnt to hand and my groans woke up the much poorlier men in my room. One of 'em went to get the nurse and I was hurting....bad...saying....'this isnt right!! over and over again. It was just the build up of pressure during the night the wound was knitting together and hurting a lot. I wanted the dressing off cos I could feel it pulling on hundreds of hairs (and trapping just one hair on your tummy is painful enough!! - guys will agree! ). she gave me some morphine syrup and again just had to grin and bear it till it kicked in. So..Thurs night and Friday night spent in the hospital all because of this Hematoma Ive suffered. Home now and glad to be in my own bed. My surgeon told me that after he had removed my testicle, that the tumour appeared 'encapsulated' and not as large as he had thought when first examining me and that it seemed to be contained. He couldn't really say what the risk of it spreading was, but he sounded positive. So it doesnt sound too bad. I hope to get the Path Lab reports back in the next 2 weeks and hope my treatment isnt too extensive I cant express how great the staff are at HRI. from the minute I was admitted to being discharged I saw a lot of different nurses and there attitude and professionalism were excellent. Also, because of the 'extra' care needed because of all this haemorraghing and bruising, I was the butt of some good jokes!.. Im hobbling about like a man in his eighties, Im sporting an XL jock strap for 'support' and my genitalia resembles a wrinkled aubergine sprouting a few hairs and is swollen to a rather upsetting degree!! But its going to clear up, eventually! So much for going home the next day!! what a load of Bollocks!! Bring on Phase 2!!!

Operation PLUM extraction

2009-04-28T18:27:50Z

OK - First blog Tomorrow afternoon at around 2pm. 29th April 2009. I will be having surgery to remove a cantankerous testicle. And I plan on being completely 'out of it' when it takes place. I've become quite attached to both of my balls, as ugly as the scrotum is, I do think of it as the ultimate 'Man Bag'. Unfortunately one of 'em has gotta go. I havent been given any indication of how far advanced a stage of Cancer it is I have. I feel reasonabley healthy enough despite a few bad nights with little sleep. I have been measured for surgical stockings, (hold ups !!mmmmm) and im lead to beleive my arse could well be hanging out of my surgical gown. I've done a little reading about stitches and sutures etc. And im going to request internal stitching and glueing. I have no idea what pain or discomfort i'll feel. But at the rate the tumour is multiplying I dont care!!.I will prob stay in over night. but look forward to being home and mooching about in jogging bottoms and having internet access. otherwise ill get a little cranky and I hate feeling sorry for myself. I will update whenever I can and hope to maintain a regular diary of events. This is big news for me....as the last time I stayed in hospital was for having my foot run over by a Leyland Maxi in 1984!!! (Bloody big cars anorl)