robynn

it is a sad sad day

2010-07-22T16:03:07Z

Well, today is a sad sad day, and I dont know where to go or what to do, so thought I would try and blog it out. Trouble is I dont even know what to say. I have lost a truly wonderful friend, who I really really cared about. Strange how people on here can mean so much to you even though you never actually meet. The thing is out of everyone on here, although I love you all to absolute pieces, I think my beautiful Kath was someone who could kind of really understand some of the issues we were facing. How truly awful it is to wake up one day and realise that the life you had always planned on having is no longer possible. That being only a fraction of what she was facing, yet she always looked out for me. It was so good to have someone around who just knew what you meant, i mean really understood without you having to explain. Those people are rare. And yes I have so many wonderful friends still here in mac, but I will miss this one. Just feel a little lost, it was just so sudden. I just wished I had of taken more time to tell her how much she meant to me, and how since meeting her she inspired to live life with more grace, courage and compassion.

So I guess, as life is too short, I want to say a huge thankyou to all my mac friends. You are wonderful and I know I havent met you face to face, but I think of you often and my life is far better off having met you all. You may not feel like you make that much difference but YOU DO. You make a difference in my life. You make my life better, and for that I am truly thankful.

So I guess I will take a few days to be sad for you my beautiful friend, but don't worry I will be up fighting again soon enough.

Well treatment has started

2010-07-06T07:05:52Z

Well we have started treatment. First radio wasnt so bad physically, not sure how i will be feeling after 6 weeks of this but we will see. Have first chemo tomorrow.Just feeling totally overwhelmed right now. The reality of it all is scary. Till now I guess I have protected my brain from really facing the reality of the situation. I know I have been worried and all that, but sitting there yesterday waiting for radio was very upsetting. Looking at some of the other patients who looked so sick, knowing that that may be me in a couple of weeks time. Definately a confronting day. Maybe I just hadnt really accepted or thought about the practicalities of how life is really going to be day to day for the next little bit. But wow.

Dont really know what I am trying to say. Guess I just need to ramble on like a mad woman for a bit to try and make myself feel a bit better, Guess the first week is the toughest and it will get easier soon. Ahhh who am I kidding. I keep saying it will get easier after we see consultant, it will get easier once we start treatment. THink I just have to accept that it is not going to be easy, but guess we just do it anyway.

It just still takes my breath away when I think that it wasnt that long ago that I was completely unaware of this world that is cancer. feeling invincible, dreaming of having a beautiful family with my beautiful husband, worrying about stupid insignificant things like whats for dinner, and paying the bills, and now look at my world. It is totally unrecognisable. How did things go so worng so quickly.

Anyway, guess thats enough crazy mutterings for now.

Take care

Surviving

2010-06-24T08:12:48Z

How do you answer the question "How are you today?" when things have gotten so far from normal. Do you just simple smile and say ok, when deep down you are far from being ok. Or not too bad, is that more appropriate. Seems like these words and phrases are made for when life is peaches and roses, and when your worries are what your going to have for dinner and is your washing going to dry in time, or that your feet or a little sore because you have been rushing around all day.Yet now the standard responses seem to fail me. It is not ok, that any of this ever had to happen to me or anyone else. So for now surviving seems to be a more appropriate response. Kind of sums up everything, what I was, I was a survivor of cancer; what I am now, I am surviving having to go through cancer a second time; and what I hope for, I hope to survive this yet again.

But for now, we have to focus on surviving the next lot of treatment. Chemoradiation for 6 weeks, then brachytherapy, (which is really scaring the pants off of me so any adivice or experiences of surviving brachy would be great) but we will get there.With the love and support of family and friends we will get there.

Anyway love and hugs to you all

Robynn

PS: Not sure whether it is just me, but somehow everything seems much calmer after I write my little blogs. Always did say I was a little weird.

Confused

2010-06-18T08:47:05Z

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Only have 5 minutes to wirte this before I have to go to my onc appointment to find out how bad the recurrance is and what treatment etc is needed, but realy need to blurt for a bit.

So on top of all this worry and fear about this appointment today, which to be honest although I do try and be big tough and brave has realy not been very easy, this morning I woke up to an email to say that I got a job interview so am totally freaking out.

Its for a job as a lecturer in Australia (as I am actually from Australia) and is to start next year. I totally kind of forgot all about the fact I had applied as this crap totally took over my life for a bit, but now what do I do.

Do I have the interview, do I not, do I tell them about the cancer, or do I keep quiet. Oh I really want to go back to Oz. Should I just go now or have treatment here first and then go. To many possibilities. But maybe this is my silver lining. I dont know.

Guess we just have to wait to see how today goes first. Once we know all the facts maybe we can start to piece together some of this messy puzzle.

Sorry this must sound totally crazy and all jumbled but I just scared and excitied, and nervous, and one jumbled crazed ball of yuk. So youll just have to put up with my ramblings once again.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not good at the waiting

2010-06-11T08:03:45Z

Well, at least I managed to get throug the mri this time without a complete meltdown. Drugs certainly do help to calm the nerves, lol. And now we have the nervous wait to find out if the cancer is localised to the original spot, or has spread. Am not very good at this part. So many emotions have been bought back to the surface of the bubbling couldrin that is me, and all these new ones on top threaten to make me explode. Im so frustrated with myself, I know that we just have to stay calm and wait to see what they say, and that they are still tons of options. I know what i should be thinking, but I just cant stop imagining the worst. Why to we let our minds play tricks on us. I dont know how many times on chat I have told new people waiting, to just try and stay clam, and yet here i am in a right litle tis. It just wasnt meant to be like this. Im only 28 should be out enjoying life, not trying to dig deep and find the strength somewhere hidden inside (which hopefully i will find soon) to fight this for a second time. Sorry for moaning I know youve all heard it a thousand times before, just needed to let it out before i explode.

thoughts

2010-06-07T21:23:08Z

Hey

Just needed to get some thoughts down. Looks like only a few short months we are back fighting this stupid disease again. Am just devastated. I cant believe this is happening just whenthings for the first time started to look ok. How on earth r you supposed to cope with this news. Knowing that you r back here again, knowing that the prognosis isnt quite so rosy (dont get me wrong I know its still early and we have loads of options) but still how do you trust those same doctors who said everything will be fine now. Im so unbelievable scared and i keep telling myself surely it should be easier to cope with this time, you know whats in store, you know the facts and figures and what treatments are available, you looked this all up to begin with, but i think knowing is worse, nt being able to be shuffeled along in some sort of dazed shock which im sure is what got me through first time. I just want to scream and shout and cry and cry and cry

thanks just needed to blurt for a bit

Long time no see.

2010-06-01T07:00:10Z

Hi all,

Havent blogged in absolutely ages. After getting the all clear I have been trying to get back on top of things and enjoying life again. Trying to remember that its not the end of the world if my hubby and i cant have a family, I am still here and still alive and thats important. And I have ben doing really well too. Finally feel like I am getting backto the old self. Back and work, which is good at helping to bring back the routine.

But I have my 3 month check up tommorrow and for some reason it has just unravelled me this morning, Dont know why I am so scared, Im sure it will be fine but I have been having a few niggling pains, and I have been getting really tired and lost a little weight (since when did loosing weight become something to worry about, most of us would be overjoyed). I know I know, probably just cause I have been overdoing it being back at work and trying to fill my life with all sorts of fun stuff. I know it is probably nothing, but secretly just between friends, Im really scared.

But it isnt going to stop me going out to buy the bubbly cause everything will be just fine, isnt that right!

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a slightly looney robynn.

Results. Good News

2010-03-12T12:06:23Z

Hi everyone

Had my 3 week check with consultant today. He is very happy with my recovery from surgery. Says I am healing well which is good news.

He also said that my resulst from my lymph nodes have come back and they are all completely cancer free. Also they got clear margins around the tumor. So I dont need to have any further treatment which is very exciting news.

I am so happy, but at the same time feel a little lost. What now?

Guess thats a question for tommorrow after I celebrate tonight.

Thanks everyone for all the support and encouragment.

Robynn

Feeling flat

2010-03-03T11:34:19Z

Hey

Just feeling really flat ove rthe last few days. I know that a hysterectomy is a big op and it has only been like 2 weeks but I just thought I would be seeing some improvement. My back and legs are aching probably because of all the laying around and I generally just feel really crap.

I guess I just a bit down about everything. The shock and adrenalin that kind of gets you through the tests and operation are wearing off and now Im just left with the reality of whats happened. Dont know whats hurting more right now my body or my heart.

Robynn

Im home

2010-02-23T12:24:31Z

Yeah I'm home

Feels so good. THanks for all the good wishes. You guys are tops.

stuck in hospital

2010-02-22T10:04:29Z

Well they want me to stay in here for another day.

Dissapointed as I just want to go home.

Hopefully tommorrow will be the day. Just want to sleep in my own bed.

Im recovering well

2010-02-21T14:22:01Z

Hey all

Hubby's just bought up my laptop for a while so thought I would quickly update my blog. Op on Friday morning went well. Feeling not too bad. Okay thats a lie I feel like crap but Ill get there. Anyway docs really happy with my recovery so hopefully they will let me out tommorrow. Keep your finger crossed for me.

Robynn

1 sleep to go

2010-02-18T08:17:12Z

Well only 1 sleep now. I have to go in this afternoon though. Surgery tommorrow. Hopeing to be home in record time. Have cried enough tears to last a lifetime. Now just need to focus on getting through tommorrow and then we can move on to brighter and better things.

I do want to say however a huge thankyou to everyone on this site. You have all been absolutely amazing and have been a great source of hope and comfort. It is amazing the kindness complete strangers have extended towards me and for that I am truly grateful. Even more amazing that this kindness comes from people who are themselves going through their own battles some of which I cant begin to imagine how hard it must be.Just to be around people who really understand what an emotional rollercoaster this is has made the world of difference to me and for that I say thankyou thankyou thankyou!!!!!!!!!!

Be in touch soon.

3 sleeps to go

2010-02-16T11:04:59Z

Only three sleeps now till surgery. Very anxious right now. Am at work trying to do work but just cant concentrate.Just got to get through one day at a time.....

Seriously the emotions I have been through in the last few weeks!

It is exhausting.

Cant find the words just finding this week tough.

One week to go

2010-02-12T09:11:11Z

Well in 1 week I will be having my hysterectomy.

Mixed feelings about it all really. On one hand I just want it to hurry up, get it over and done with. One the other hand I just wish I could run away and not ave to go through with it. Will remove any hope of having a family. Am I ready to give that up?

Guess I have no choice so lets just get it over with so that we can try and find a way to start healing emotionally. I think thats the hardest part to all this. Sure I will be fixed physically in no time, and whats a bit of discomfort and tiredness... But emotionally. Not sure that ones quite so easy.

Cancer has taken away so much. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!!!!!!!!!!