ready to share my thoughts.......

Well it has been a while...

2010-11-30T21:37:43Z

hello all my lovely mac family its been a while since my last blog and i thougtht it was time to come and check in...last time i spoke to you i was about to start my clinical trails....i nwas then turned down for my clinical trials as i was not well enough to go throgh with it...which upset me dearly...as that was my last hope really...but im feeling quite well in myself and im trying to keep my self active even with this rubbish weather....ive gone back to work as i feel i need some kind of normality in my life...some members of my family think im amazing and some feel i am beinhg selfish...but the way as i see it is that imm well enough in myself to go back and i love my job (im a pub manager) and im doing this for me not anyone else as i always seem to do everything to please other people....

im still having my chemo cycles as they are doing a little difference and thats good enough for me....well i just thought i would pop on and write a little blog i hope that you are all well and ill speak to you all soon xx

WELL ITS NEARLY MONDAY......

2010-09-18T22:40:17Z

well its nearly monday not long to go now till i will be taking part in my first lot of clinical trials ooohhhhh im not looking forward to this at all, having my chemo while im in there too....so gathering im not going to be coming out in a great state!!

On monday im having a line fitted into my chest they are putting me under for this and then start on these clinical trials eeeeekkkkkkk.

My mummys coming with me though ha ha shes a good en she really is, even went and bought some new pjs for the occasion (gotta have new jarmers to go to the hospital in its the law ha ha)

Im not so well today ihn a fair bit of paihn at the min....and the doc was too busy to come sort me out thanks doc!!! but im still in fine spirits justa little tiered and hopeing nothing gets canceled and rearranged you no what the hospitals like....

anyway will blog after my trials

night night love and hugss all

emma xxxxxxx

hello all......

2010-09-10T23:52:12Z

well im up at daft o'clock as i carnt seem to switch off, not written for a few days now as ive had my head well and truely up my back side not that i have let on...im finding all this quite difficult again i must say i thought i had overcome the worst of my fears so to speak...but there have been more of a physical effect of my treatment coming out to keep reminding me everytime i look at my hands or my arms ( after finishing my last lot of chemo i have come out in small sores on my hands and arms and head which have had to be covered up, i have them on my head too and everytime i have a itch on my head i could have a little cry)

and then to top it all off this evening blooming big brother paid respect to jade goody.....well that just brought it all back home i reckon...wish i had of turned the tv over now...i know that cancer is living with me now i have no illussions on that at all and i know one day not till the very distant future hopefully,

cancer will take my life i have come to terms with that in my own little way and watching that brought it all back home...the pictures ect of her children and her mum and her husband, reminded me of what i was leaving behind i.e my daughter autumn and my mummy....

I think i maybe just having a little blip...we all have those, i normally shake them off with a drink or a night on the tiles but im feeling rarther ill at the momment so thats out of the window i dont think i would even have the energy to get ready for a night out.....ha

Anyway i hope ur all well

Lots and lots of love huggs and kiss's

Emma xxxxx

Better day today........

2010-09-04T19:50:46Z

Had a lovely day today even though i am very tiered now... been to a bbq with all my family and it was lovely...so much laughter and we dont all get together that oftern and it was lovely....feeling more possitive about things today... i said id dust myself down and get up again and i have,

spent the night with my mummy watching the x factor i love my time wi my mum...at times like these you realise who really matters in your life and who does not....

Hope everyone had a great saturday

Emma

xxxxx

so im a little bit lost and a little bit scared....

2010-09-03T08:36:33Z

Its been a cupple of days since my last blog when i found out my cancer was terminal and being offered a clinicaltrail to prolong and increase my quality of life...i still dont really know how i feel,ive taken care of most of the practical issues...i.e thinking about the future, talking to my daughters dad whom i am no longer with and now what? ive got nothing left to do for now....and i think i think about it more when i yhave nothing to occupy my mind....i have has a long telephone conversation with my gp today who told me my start date for this clinical trail and it starts on the 20th of this month...so fingers crossed....all i can say is i feel a little lost...like mins are turning into hours and hours are turning into days....time just seems to be slipping away so to speak and time is something i want to keep hold of for as long as i can.

Im scared half to death but im keeping my head up high and getting on with it so to sdpeak.....

emmaxxxx

well ive been........

2010-09-01T10:28:48Z

After my last blog yesturday i was going to the doctours as there was something wrong wth my tests.....well ive been and all is not rosey as i would say.... my Big C has spread but i have been offered a clinical trial to "improve my quality of life" as they put it...has anyone been on a clinical trial?? im alittle bit lost at the min in all honesty and my mummy was very good she promised not to cry.....they have also said that i can carry on with my chemo and see if that helps which i gladly accepted......the only thing that is really bothering me is my little girl shes only two and i think when my time comes to a end i will be ready its just that i dont want to be forgotten about if that makes any sense......with her being so little i dont want her to forgett who her mummy was...

im going to go now will blog again soon...

guess cancer is living with me now.....

Emma

xxx

so here go's.........

2010-08-31T19:07:59Z

Well after reading many peoples blogs on here...ive desided to have a little go....and see how i feel about it, im new to all this so you will have to bare with me.... well im Emma in 23 years of age, i have a little girl who is 2 called autumn and shes my little star....i was diagnosed with the big C around 4 months ago i have a stage 3B cancer and i have been undergoing treatment.....im on my last day of chemo cycle as we speak....had a phone call from the hospital today saying they need me in for a emergency appointment 2moro regarding my blood results so im a little bit scared about that in all honesty...and my mummy (at times like these shes not my mum she is my mummy) is coming with me 2moro and i know she is going to cry....shes been a rock through all of this and i dont no what i would do without her to be honest....she's really going through it and i wish she didnt have to go through all this with me, i feel like im to blame sometimes seeing her so sad.....i couldnt ask for a better mum though to be honest,

My Grandma (her mum) died of cancer a few years ago now and i guess it brings it all bk to everyone..........I hope everything go's ok 2moro cos i think seeing her cry will be more deverstating than any bad news....

right im going will blog again soon (sorry for horrific spelling)

Emma xx