What a difference a day (or two) makes...

2011-06-10T17:01:46Z

So, my last post was pretty desperate, and I apologise for that. However, I am proud that through sheer determination I got myself back to work, smoothed things over with the fella, even went out, did some shopping, cooked a kick ass lasagne and even kicked ass at work.

I will be avoiding alcohol until I learn to recognise the warning signs that I could implode/explode. I don't want to be a burden or a hassle to anyone and I also don't want my health to suffer. I know someone mentioned AA but I'm not quite sure whether I'm at that point yet. For a horrible situation, I'm not actually doing too bad on the old coping front. My parents are proud of me (said so in a text t'other day!), I'm holding down my job, house, financials etc. I think I could be doing a lot worse.

I'm sure this will all reverse on me the next time Dad goes in to hospital or fella is a bit naff at the old understanding emotions side (poor bloke can't help it...it's the Y chromosome ;) ). But for now, I'm signing off on a high (natural, btw).

I'm off to Lyme Park so prance around the countrside pretending to be Elizabeth Bennet with the fella before stopping off at my grandparents whom I haven't seen for ages. They'll get to meet the fella for the first time which is great because the last one they got introduced to was a bit of a loser (proud to show this one off).

On top of that, Dad has been feeling better this week, managed to go out for a meal even! So, I'm going to enjoy this up while it's here and remember this weekend when the next down comes along.

Have a great one MacFriends

Stop hitting the bottle!

2011-06-08T13:11:04Z

Recently, due to stress and my inability to cope with it healthily...I have been hitting the bottle a tad too much. Thursday night I can't even remember calling my fella...the one bright point in my life right now...and giving him a load of grief. It's affecting my health, my job, my relationship.

I know I need to stop drinking but I'm so lonely and depressed. I'm moving back to the parents place tonight which will hopefully help, and am going to see me doc. I'm just spiralling downwards really quickly and everything feels out of control.

I'm consumed with guilt. Guilt that I haven't been helping out at parents/seeing my Dad more. Guilt that I'm not coping with this very well. Guilt that I'm not being a very good girlfriend. Guilt that I'm not being a very good colleague. This is not good because I get thoughts of self harm and do this whole self-hate thing.

I'm consumed with anger. Anger that my Dad is being taken away from me slowly and painfully. Anger that I'm not coping better. Anger that nobody around me can understand how I feel. Anger at myself that I'm not able to tell people how I feel. Anger that I don't really understand how I feel. This is not good because I am up and down like a yo-yo and it makes it not very nice to be around me.

I don't know whether to go back on antidepressants, to cut off my social life (thereby cutting off alcohol), to go to counselling...I just don't know where the help I need/want is. I just need help.

Ramblings

What a difference a day (or two) makes...

Stop hitting the bottle!