Losing it

2009-02-11T13:42:35Z

I am having a really hard time trying to ingest all of this. I spend alot of time crying and I don't want to do that. If mom has 12-15 months I don't want to spend it being sad. I want to enjoy the time we have left. I just can't seem to rid myself of the empty feeling inside. Maybe once she comes back home it will feel better, I don't know. The only time I'm not sad is when the kids are home and I certainly can't keep them here all day. I do however have a call into my doctor, maybe he can give me something to take the edge off. If that's even possible. She finishes her first round of radiation on the 18th and has to go back on the 27th for her chemo treatment. So she'll be wiped out by the time she comes back home. She's not sure what she wants to do. She says this is a dry run without her here. We will get used to it. I don't want to go through this more than once. She thinks she's doing us a favor, I don't see that. Does that sound crazy? I don't know anymore.

mom

2009-02-09T13:44:59Z

Hi all! I'm new here. I just need a spot to right down everything just to get it out before I lose my mind. My mom, Barbara, who is 59 years old has been diagnosed with an incurable form of lung cancer. It has spread to the right frontal lobe on her brain. She is very upbeat, but very tired. She gets radiation 5x's a week and chemo once a month for 3 hours. She got her first chemo last week and is so very tired and drained, all she wants to do is sleep. They said this will pass as her body adjusts to the treatment. Normally she lives with me and my family, now she is with my sister because the hospital is closer to her where mom is being treated. My two children are missing her terribly. I took them to visit yesterday and my son who is 11 and has slight autism, left feeling very confused. We haven't told him yet that it;s cancer, just that mommom is sick and she's trying to get better so she can come home. My daughter,14, is aware that it is cancer, but not the fact that it's incurable. To top it all off we just buried my grandmother, mom's mom, in September, she died from cancer. By the time they realized she was even sick, it was too late and with her being 87, treatment wasn't an option. It was 25 days from diagnosis to the end. It went so fast we are still trying to process it all. Now to have mom sick, I'm wondering when do we get a break? Do we ever?

rachel2's blog

Losing it

mom