pupskin's blog

getting a grip...

2009-07-22T20:35:55Z

Getting a grip is hard. I'm trying to get a hold on the present with a dread to the future - never been an optimist!! But finding the waiting period before Mum's op pretty unsettling along with the potential treatments in future. Feel so selfish about these feelings and angry with the whole bloody thing and what my Mum and so many other people have to go through - makes me want to scream. These feelings make it so hard to carry on with my normal routine which however tricky it becomes I will do because it's the only thing apart from supporting my Mum and family that I can do...just want to learn to live with her cancer and this awful uncertainty cos it takes the joy out of living... P

fear

2009-07-19T20:55:56Z

Had a nice day. maybe the last 'normal' day for a while. Had a nice lunch with Mum and stepdad then Mum and me went to cardiff bay and pottered about. Scared for her about the mastectomy, scared about the lymph node results we will get mid Aug, scared about how she will feel about things, just scared for the future. Living has a bitter tang to it. Pray that this eases and for other feeling sad right now.... P

Talking

2009-07-18T22:11:12Z

Mum visiting Cardiff for couple of days. She looks well but admits she is have a breast removed as well as nodes and wanted to tell me face to face. I see the fear in her eyes but she and I believe that if it prolongs life, it is something you can live with. I have said I am there for her as much as I can be and will visit the weekend after her surgery for a few days to help as I can. the only thing is that the cancer cell check in nodes - results two weeks after mastectomy so again the waiting game. And yet, i think this will be just one of many throughout the rest of her life. Such is the nature of the beast. I just pray that she can adapt well to the loss of one breast and that there is no spread.

Bl**dy H*ll

2009-07-15T22:07:56Z

Not again. Cried for about 2 hours when heard my Mum had to have further treatment (removal of 5 lymph nodes - poss chemo). Just seems like worst thing possibly because her mum (my gran) also hospitalised currently (due to be checked out) with fluid round the heart. Just...too much. I prayed tonight. Just the waiting and the NOT knowing is worse. At heart though I knew this ghost wouldn't be laid to rest after a year - perhaps never will...