Angie's thoughts

Fit & well as I head towards 2 year anniversary

2011-06-26T08:17:53Z

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to drop a line as I haven't had much time to be on the site recently due to a busy domestic life!

I'm coming up to the 2 year anniversary of when the melanoma returned in my lymph nodes (13 years after the primary mole was removed) & I'm very happy to say that I am still feeling fit & healthy & my consultant is very happy with my rude health! I just wanted newly diagnosed members on the site to be aware that, in the words of my consultant "A diagnosis of the spread of melanoma does not necessarily mean a death sentence". I didn't put much store in her words 2 years ago but I am mightly thankful for them now.

I know things could change in a flash in the future, but having got this far without a recurrence, I find it easier to be more positive about my health & I want to send my best wishes to all melanoma sufferers in the hope they too can feel positivity in their fight against this dreadful disease. I hope this blog brings a little sunshine on a not too sunny summers day!

Stressed & feeling selfish

2010-09-08T14:16:01Z

Last week my 82yr old aunt was told her ovarian cancer from 3 yrs ago had returned & was now in her liver & lung. She is in hospital & has been given weeks to live. After her original surgery (which they botched) she was so disheartened she stopped treatment half way through her chemo & discharged herself from further checkups so it's no surprise it's returned.

I thought I could deal with this but unfortunately everything seems to be becoming a big deal. Along with taking my 86yr old mother-in-law to her geriatric psychiatric appointments, ferrying relatives around to the various hospitals & getting a parking ticket at the hospital, last week was rounded off with a BANG - literally - when there was a gas explosion at the only entrance to our estate. The resulting 40ft flames, which took almost a day to extinguish, cut off access to 100+ houses & also our phones & internet access for the whole weekend.

By Sunday my stress levels blew & I woke up fighting to breathe. Since then I've been crying at the slightest thing, my breathing appears shallow & I keep getting a tightening in my chest. When it came to visiting my auntie on Monday I just couldn't do it because watching her die before my eyes in the same hospital I was in exactly a year ago just makes me face up to my own mortality - the image that I've managed to shut off for a year has now been roughly pushed in front of my eyes. I feel so selfish & I know that she, my 86yr old uncle & my parents need me there but I just can't do it at the moment. They've all been so understanding & they urge me to stay away until I'm happy I can deal with it but as each day goes by I feel worse rather than better.

How can I stop the vicious spiral I find myself in?

Part 2 of frustrating days....

2010-06-25T08:52:04Z

Or should I say a frustrating week -

Today I got up to find that the food in the freezer was half de-frosted - probably because the plug was hanging half out of the socket because I must have caught it with the ironing board yesterday!

Then I turned on my mobile to receive a message from my mum that my 21yr old niece had been rushed into hospital last night with suspected appendicitis. My niece is graduating from York University next week & is supposed to be going on holiday to Turkey with her housemates next Friday. Being students they hadn't yet got their holiday insurance sorted. Yes - you're right - either she gets out of hospital, goes on holiday with no insurance & gets ill again in Turkey, or she doesn't go & loses the money she has paid!

The docs have been around this morning & the xrays were clear so she now has to have an ultrasound cos they don't think it's appendicitis anymore.

And it's not even 10am - the day has just started so what else can be in store!

Can't wait until this week is over! Have a good weekend everyone!

Having one of those frustrating days.....

2010-06-24T08:29:17Z

In the grand scheme of things it was nothing, but when hot, tired and busy it was becoming the straw that broke the camel's back!

Yesterday morning I awoke to find that the insect bite on my arm, received whilst doing the Race, looked like a large archery board regardless of the antibiotic cream I had been using. So it was a trip to the docs morning surgery (no appointment necessary) where I had to sit with the great unwashed for almost 2 hours.

After receiving my oral antibiotics I went home to find the printer had broken! I then had a 20 minute arguement over the phone regarding a disputed credit card bill - an arguement that I'm pleased to say I eventually won. In between times I kept ringing my elderly mother-in-law to say I was setting off to her house to do some of her chores - only to find that for 3 hours there was no answer. On eventually getting hold of her it would appear she had forgotten I was going & had gone shopping! Then whilst vacuuming I knocked a picture on my wall & it fell in slow motion, smashing glass all over the floor!

By this time I was fit to do a perfectly passable impression of Veruca Salt (Charley & the Chocolate Factory), however the world suddenly became tranquil & lovely again when I saw the latest email on my computer - the first scan of our third grandchild soon to born in Australia.

Now all is well with the world again........until the next time!!!!!

I hope all our Mac friends are having a lovely sunny, healthy, troublefree day!

RACE FOR LIFE

2010-06-20T08:14:42Z

Good luck to all those who, like me, are doing the Race For Life today.

Special good wishes to Barb - show Plymouth what you are made of!

Thanks Marsha for your words of encouragement - I'm not sure I will be running like the wind - more chance of passing it than running it !

HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE

Angie's thoughts

2010-04-22T15:55:40Z

Has anyone else suffered from an irritating cough after surgery?

I started with a tickly cough (which I am sometimes prone to) a few days after a 3 hour op. I was told it's a side effect of the tube used during the general anaesthetic but I still have the cough 6 weeks later. I have spent a lot of time sitting or lying down due to the location of the surgery & I wondered if that is not helping the cough clear up. Can anyone help ease my worries?

Walking on cloud 9

2010-04-22T15:53:46Z

I can't believe my scan came back CLEAR! No change since last November & no sign of any mets in my head/spine. I am so relieved & thankful for all the support everyone has given me & I'm sure someone up there is looking down on me!

It's amazing how stress & anxiety can manifest itself. I didn't even think I was stressed - I thought I was handling events of the last 9 months quite well but how wrong was I. So now I will have to learn to relax more - sounds like a massage & another holiday will help do the trick!

Good health to everyone and kick your shoes off with me & CHILL!

Christmas Catholic

2009-11-16T13:26:41Z

I haven't been to church since I was in my late teens, although I sometimes go on Christmas Day, and that is why my hubby has nicknamed me a Christmas Catholic!

Well since being diagnosed with the return of melanoma in the summer I have increasingly felt the need to start going back to church, and so I made the effort yesterday. I am so glad I dd now, not really for my benefit but for my parents. You see it was announced at the beginning of mass that my mum's best friend had died during the previous evening from cancer. Although she had been ill for a year she had perked up in the last few months and had been joining mum on the Women's Guild trips out to the seaside etc. So her death was a shock to her friends, not least my parents & I was so glad I was there for them when they gave their condolences to Maisie's husband. My mum has lost both her best friends now to cancer, one in her 50s & Maisie in her 60s so she is taking it quite hard. It was good to see that all Maisie's family were there for her at the end, 7 adult children & their families, one having just made it from where they live in America.

Their faith is keeping them going & I find that a consolation. I don't see myself as a complete believer in one particular religion but I tend to find strength, hope or consolation in aspects of different religions, which at the end of the day all comes down to having faith in something that helps you through the hard times. The person I most respect & admire is the Dalai Lama. He is such a gentle and wise man and I find his teachings to be very inspiring. One of my favourites is the following :-

EVERY HUMAN LIFE IS PRECIOUS

"Every day, think as you wake up, Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it, I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, To achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards other, I am going to benefit others as much as I can".

Superstitious number 13

2009-11-11T09:58:07Z

I have just been reading JaneyG's profile & blog about Friday 13th and it got me thinking.

I have always had an irrational fear of the number 13. For as long as I can remember I have always avoided that number, to the extent that, when reading a book I will NEVER put it down on a page containing the number 13 or 31 or 1 & 3 anywhere therein! This can cause undue stress as I have been known to be late for work, appointments etc or even last to get on a plane because I won't put my book down until I've got past that dreaded page - I don't want the plane to crash do I? I won't even get out of bed yet if the clock shows 8:13!

It doesn't surprise me then that, looking back on my life, I now find the dreaded number 13 has played a large un-invited part. I first met my husband when I was 22 & after a break we got back together when I was 26 and then got married. When I was 35 (13 years after we first met) my hubby was retired on ill health from the job he loved. He couldn't come to terms with this, became deeply depressed & in the end had a drink problem which took 3 years & a short separation to sort out. When I was 39 (13 years after we got together the 2nd time) I was diagnosed with a malignant melanoma on my leg. 13 years later, aged 52 years old, the melanoma returned in the lymph nodes in my groin & pelvis!

So that irrational fear is not so irrational after all ! I hope my niece's 21st Birthday party on Friday 13th goes to plan or I'm sure she will think I'm a witch!

Does anyone else share this fear of NUMBER 13?

The saga goes on...

2009-11-09T11:41:49Z

Yet another bad day in my household - what a surprise! Got to go pick up my 73yr old father this afternoon after he has had a basal cell carcinoma removed from his forehead. Also just found out that my brother has found a mole on his chest that has changed & he is waiting for an appointment with the specialist - he had a dysplastic mole removed 8 years ago. Now I have just received a call from my GP with the results of my spine xrays last week. Nothing was found on my spine, GOODY, however 2 swollen glands were picked up in my neck, so I have to go see my GP at 7.30 tonight so he can examine me etc.

Does this carousel ever slow down so I can jump off?

A good creed to live by...

2009-11-05T17:45:03Z

Since my retirement I have pursued a hobby that I have always wanted to do, tracing my family tree. This is the only thing at times that keeps me going - I get carried away for hours researching my ancestors & it takes my mind away from this dreaded disease.

Amongst many interesting characters in my tree, I have found a very distant relative who, at the age of 4 in 1856, journeyed from Bradford, Yorkshire to the USA after his parents were converted to the Church of the Latter Day Saints. His mother died in childbirth not long after, his father remarried and then later died whilst travelling on a wagon train to California to be a gold prospector. William ran away from his 'wicked stepmother' at the age of 11 & had lots of adventures before settling in Utah. He was a clever man, he taught himself telegraphy, learned several languages including some of the Native American dialects, and put himself through medical school. He became a doctor in a small town in Utah - a little like the Waltons - and lived with his 4 wives & 24 children! He was well loved by the community as he was generous with his medical skills - those families too poor to pay were never chased up to settle their accounts. He died of flu in 1920 in the GreaI Flu Epidemic contracted whilst tending his patients. I think that the creed he lived by and had printed on small cards to give to his friends, is beautiful and I am transcribing it here in the hope that some of our community will take comfort in its words and will use it to live life to the full.

' Don't keep your fountains of love and tenderness sealed up until your friends are dead; fill their lives with sweetness now. Speak approving and cheering words, while their ears can hear and while their hearts can be thrilled and made happier by them. The kind things you will say after they are gone, say them before they go. The flowers you mean to send for their coffins, bestow them now and so brighten and sweeten their earthly homes before they leave them. If my friends have sweet perfumes and sympathies and affection which they intend to bestow upon my dead body, I'd rather they give them to me in my troubled and weary hours, that I may be refreshed and cheered while I need them. I'd rather have a plain coffin without a flower, a funeral without a eulogy, than a life without the sweetness of love and sympathy. Let us learn to anoint our friends beforehand for their burial. Postmortum kindness does not cheer the burdened spirit. Flowers upon the coffin shed no fragrance over the weary way by which loved ones have travelled.' William Brigham Parkinson 1852-1920

Raised hopes dashed

2009-10-21T16:16:35Z

Why did I allow my hopes to be raised only to know they would be dashed?

My oncologist told me 2 weeks ago that I was not eligible to go on a drugs research trial because melanoma was found in one node in my groin & one in my pelvis (classed as 2 areas for research purposes). I eventually got my head around it & accepted it but then at the appointment with my surgeon last week he queried the 'grey area' of the guidelines on one of the drugs trials and arranged for the clinical research nurse to question the guidelines in the hope I would be accepted.

My surgeon is a wonderful man & I understand he wants the best chance for his patients, however, after a week of deliberations and my nerves been shot to shreds the drugs trial have rejected my eligibility because of the large area dissection that, in my surgeons words 'was necessary to ensure that the patient had all cancerous cells removed'.

My surgeon has pointed out that large area dissections are becoming more common but they do not fall within the nice neat small surgical areas that drugs companies prefer for their research. Apparently my case is the first time this 'grey area' has been raised & that it is going to be a growing problem for patients in the future. They are now going to have to look at the existing guidelines otherwise very few melanoma patients will be accepted on the trials as they stand now.

Unfortunately for me, any change in the guidelines will be too late as the deadline for me to be accepted is in 2 weeks time and the wheels of officialdom turn far too slowly. I am thankful I have a wonderful surgeon, I just wish he didn't have to fight the stupid bureaucracy of the drugs trials. And I wish I hadn't let my hopes be raised cos I feel worse now than I did before.