pinkvicki

Yesterday My Dad would have been a Grandad again. Warning cute pic's included

2011-08-01T21:18:04Z

My Beautiful sister gave birth to the most adorable baby girl.

Jessica May was born at 4.40am weighing 7lb.

My Dad would have absolutely loved her to pieces. I will tell her everything about him when she is older so she knows just how fabulous her Grandad was.

Here are some pic's of me and my babies having cuddles with Jessica May

Friends are beautiful

2011-07-08T22:24:32Z

Some one just PM'd me this , i wanted to post it as it is so beautiful.

Please don’t mourn for me
I’m still here, though you don’t see.
I’m right by your side each night and day
And within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I’m always near
I’m everything you feel, see and hear.
My spirit is free but I’ll never depart
As long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight.
I’m the brightest star on a warm summer night.
I’ll never go beyond your reach
I’m the warm, moist sand when you walk on the beach.

I’m the colourful leaves when winter comes ‘round
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I’m the beautiful flowers of which you’re so fond.
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I’m the first bright blossom you see in the spring.
The first shiny raindrop that storm clouds bring.
I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine
And you see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there’s no one to love you
Talk to me and I will listen.
I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees.
And you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep
I’m the smile you see on a stranger’s face
Just look for me………
I’m every place!

Thank you x

Hard Day, 12 months since i said Goodnight

2011-07-08T16:35:46Z

Can't believe its been a year dad, we went to your favourite place today, felt so close to you.

Love you always. xxx

Where has the time gone? it feels like decades since i cuddled him, yet minutes since 8th July 2010 when i had to let him go.

My 1st Fathers Day without him :(

2011-06-18T22:30:47Z

I’ve cried a hundred thousand tears
My wish, to go back through the years
I miss you, I'm lost

I hate this truth
I am changed, it’s different
my life without you

I know I must try to move on from the pain
to stop re-living what’s happened again and again
You deserve more than that for the part that you played
The funny, lovely, caring Dad
That so many memories made

There will come a time, although it may be a while
When i can talk about you
Share stories, remember and smile
It’s just that right now it’s the loss in my mind
That’s the trouble you see
For the ones
Left behind....

Happy Fathers Day Dad, I miss you so so much.

In a few weeks it will be a year since we said Goodnight....how can it be that long???

Was this a dream?

2011-05-08T11:54:29Z

So it is 10 months today since Dad left us.I can't believe it has been that long since i last spoke to him.

Last night i had a dream, it was a lovely dream for the most of it. I was in a field full of poppys a beautiful red field and in this field were lots of horses. My Dad was there with me and it was normal as if he hadn't been gone for 10 months. Dad and i rode the horses. I got off mine to have a sit down and at that point Dad rode away on his horse right into the distance and as i shouted after him he turned and waved and then disappeared. I was then alone in the field and couldn't find my way back. And then i woke up crying.

So i strange dream but in a way a nice one because Dad was there in top form like before he was ill.

This morning i was thinking about it and remembered the song we had played at his funeral in July "Now we are free" from the film Gladiator sung in a combination of latin and hebrew. At the funeral we read out the translation of the songs words which now mean so much.

Translation:

Almighty Freedom
Almighty freer of the soul
Be free
Walk with me
Through the golden fields
So lovely
Lovely
We regret our sins, but..
We sew our own fate and
Under my face I remain feeble
Under my face, I smile.
Ahhhh...
Even alone (or afraid)
Under my face I will be waiting
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies.
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies.
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies.
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies.
Almighty Freedom
Almighty freer of the soul
Be free
Be free
And imagine
Free with peace at last
It's lovely
It's lovely, this land
No one can believe or understand
How far I came just for my lovely family
I should have been there
With them when the world crashed down
But now they rest with me.
I'll never forget
How I felt that moment
I became free...

What do you think? Was this just a normal dream? Could it be Dads way of saying he is ok?

Who knows? I don't, I can wish, that helps.

Sorry for the really long post, if you made it this far then you really are a true friend lol.

Love and hugs to you all.

Vicki. xxxxxxxxxx

Dear Dad

2011-04-26T18:34:47Z

Dear Dad,

Hey,,,, how are you? Just wanted to drop you a quick line because I miss you so much, its a physical pain, I just want to hold you, smell you, laugh with you, Its been 9 months now and it's not getting any easier dad, it seems to be getting worse, your always in my thoughts and I love you so much and miss you terribly.
Think I need to " get down the docs" as you would tell me, and get myself sorted out.

Night Night Dad

I love you

Speak soon

Vicki xxxxxx

My Dad

2011-03-13T08:38:08Z

If I could write a story
It would be the greatest ever told
Of a kind and loving father
Who had a heart of gold

If i could write a million pages
I'd still be unable to say, just how
Much I love and miss him
Every single day

I will remember all he taught me
I'm hurt but won't be sad
‘coz he'll send me down the answers
And he'll always be MY DAD

Nearly 8 months on now, where does the time go?

2011-03-05T08:53:48Z

Hi Everyone, It has been a while since i last blogged but i check on here regularly to see how you are all doing.

Things have been hard the last few months, in 3 days it will be 8 months since i lost a beautiful amazing man, my hero, my dad.

I am coping okay you have to with kids don't you? Things have been tough at work thought, i work on the renal ward but it seems every few days we seem to get a patient sent to us with cancer. Yesterday i was dealing with a patient behind the curtains and heard the docs come to the patient next door to us and explain in depth how they had discovered multiple tumours throughout his body and on his brain, hearing the docs tell this man and his wife that nothing could be done and the wails of pain from his wife, i felt a little part of myself die once again. You get to know your patients so well and as much as you are told to stay detatched it is impossible. When i had finished with my patient i saw his wife and i just looked at her and said i am so so sorry mrs ****** She just fell into my arms and sobbed. I felt to close to her at that time wishing i could to anything to make it better but i can't other than to make her husbands last days as comfortable and dignified as possible.

Sorry don't know why i told you all that just needed to type it out i guess.

Anyhow my family are ok my brother and sister are getting on like me, focus on work, kids etc.

Now comes the hard part..........

My mum has met someone, well she hasn't just met him, she and my dad have known him years and years. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. I don't know how i feel about it either. I knew it would happen she is only 50 after all, i know my dad really wanted her to meet someone else. I have told her that i want her just to be happy again, but there is a teenager inside of me wanting to scream and kick that this is wrong, that it is too soon, that he was my dads friend.

Does it mean that she now loves my dad less? She said i only had to say the word and she would end it....how can i do that, how can i for selfish reasons tell her she can't be happy.

I need help guys i don't know how to deal with this or what i should think.

I read someone elses post on here recently who had lost her husband and now has met a new love and i felt so happy and pleased for her, yet i can't find that happiness for my mum. Would my dad want me to? Who knows?

Still here...sending you all my love.

2011-01-30T21:57:56Z

Hi Guys i just wanted to say hi, and to let you all know that i still come on and see how you are all doing.

Work is keeping me busy, the nhs is hard to believe in somedays but i love my job, i love helping the patients and feeling useful again.

I have had an onset of panic attacks though recently which i have never had before and that first one scared the living daylight out of me.....i really thought....oh it doesn't matter. I'm here and battling on still.

I love you guys you were my rock when i needed some stability and i just want you to know how much i appreciate you all.

I will be back soon have some other stuff happening too but i'll go into that some other time, i won't write nice things if i go into it now ;)

TAKE CARE all of you and keeping fighting strong. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

6 months on! Where am i?

2011-01-04T22:17:18Z

Well actually i think i am in a good place right now. New years eve i had my mini melt down, stupidly i felt like i would be leaving dad behind in 2010. This time last year although devastated by his diagnosis we were taking the kids to the zoo, going shopping, choosing fish together for my aquarium. Gosh talking of that when we went to get fish, i remember telling him i want a baby as he grabbed my hand as we crossed the road....he always always did that. Sorry anyway we were making memories and enjoying the time we had left together and now i know why and can now see the good memories....they were kind of blacked out for the last 6 months but gradually now the mist is clearing a little and i can remember some very good times too. The bad memories will always be there i know that but now i realise that the only way i can get through my life without him is by remembering how fantastically brilliant he was as a father, husband, grandfather, son and a man.

I wanted to post this to show my friends that have recently lost their loved one that the tunnel is always there but there is a dim light beginning to glow.

A poem for my Dad.

Six months have passed

I’ll never forget the day

That i sat there holding your hand

as you went away

I was your first born

Daddy’s little girl

I took my own path

But was still part of your world

I always loved you

My dad, my star

Now my pain is

To worship you from afar

I love you now

As I did back then

I just hope... one day

I will see you again

I am so proud of you

Brave and strong to the end

Now when asked “how are you?”

There is no need to pretend

We all love and miss you so much, sleep well
and take care of all who went before and after you.

Forever in my heart x

We did it!!

2010-12-28T22:13:37Z

Yesterday we scattered my Dads ashes it was ok, i don't know what i expected tbh but just as we were doing it a nearby church bell started to chime....very fitting and kind of spooky as the time was 12.40pm.

As we were all staring at the river afterward though watching dad float down and out to the sea i looked at mom and saw she had taken off her wedding ring and as she kissed it i just shouted 'no mom don't' and she thew her ring in too!!!

I was horrified and kind of angry in a way but afterwards we went for a meal and she told us that she had done exactly what her and dad had discussed. It was what he had asked her to do!!

I feel very strange about that i could never dream of doing that but what can i say??

Afterwards we were walking back along the riverbank (where we have walked with dad 1000 times before) and mom, my brother, sister and i all had a snowball fight. It was fun and we all laughed so much it then turned to tears.

God knows what passers by must of thought of us lol !!!!!!

Scattering and a new baby.

2010-12-27T08:30:34Z

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a restful Christmas.

Christmas day went nicely, the kids were amazing and kept me strong with their hyperactivity lol.

I think the expectation of how the day would be was far worse than the reality of it. Yes it was hard with Dad not being there but the day just kind of ticked along, i had my tears first thing and thought ok that is it i have cried now, now i'll enjoy the day with my family.

So today is Dec 27th 2010. Today we are scattering my Dads ashes at his favourite place. I don't know how i feel about this tbh. This time last year we were still crying over dads diagnosis but at least we felt there was a little hope, now it is done, he has been gone nearly 6 months now and this is the last thing we can do for him. Its what he wanted, something he'd joked about since we were kids, it's not entirely legal where he is going but hey ho it's what my dad wanted and it is what he will get.

So then by the end of this week we have a new year, a new start, hopefully a better year. Well we have a new life to celebrate at Christmas my sister told us she is pregnant, she is 25, has just bought her 1st house with her fiance and i am soooooo excited i am going to be an aunty. It is the best gift my dad could have sent us this year. A new life, a bundle of love just can't wait for baby to arrive now.

Lots of love to you all. Heres to a better new year for us all. xxxxxxxxx

Remembering.

2010-12-24T10:54:42Z

I post this candle to remember everyone special who is no longer with us

<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/candle" target="_blank"><img src="http://i794.photobucket.com/albums/yy228/jade95_2010/Christmas%20Accents/th2606950bdi55u66zx.gif" border="0" alt="Burgandy Candle- ani Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>

Wishing you all a restful Christmas

Well what a year!

2010-12-20T18:09:15Z

Hi Guys,

Well it has been a year since this awful disease arrived in my life and i have just found the strength to read through my original blogs and forums from that time.

It has been 5 months 1 week and 5 days since my dad passed away and it feels like years and just minutes all at the same time.

So anyway i have realised through reading through my past ramblings what a huge support you all were to me last christmas and indeed in the 12 months since.

I hope i did everything in my power to make my dad comfortable and to make him feel as loved as possible. He truly was an inspirational man, a gentleman and a wonderful father. I hope that he was proud of me and the person he made me.

Alot of you on here had suggestions as to how he could be made more comfortable and questions to ask Dr's and how i could express things i needed to say to him and i want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

You guys have been my rock and have helped me to see the good in the world when i felt there wasn't any!!

You are all going through this hell yourselves yet you still find the time and strength to type comforting words to all of us who need them.

So Christmas is fast approaching and i thought that nothing could be as bad as last year. We found out xmas eve that dad wouldn't see another xmas but i think deep down i believed that the strong, well looking man who stood in front of me would not let this cancer beat him and yes we would get another xmas together.

However the evil that is cancer took hold of him and took him out of my life in July and now we face our 'first xmas' without him.

Dad would always ring me 1st thing approx 6am saying "has he been" lol. then be on the phone constantly until i said ok we are leaving now. We then get to his house for lunch that he and mom always cook together. He open presents with the kids and loves putting all the toys etc together before dinner.

Sorry gone off on one there.

The main point of this blog was to say Thankyou so much to all my friends on here and to hope that you all have the best christmas that you can.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear.
For I am spending Christmas with the angels this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it's beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not that far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear one, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas, with the angels this year.
I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory, of my undying love.
After all, love is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other as my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessings or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear.
Remember I'm spending Christmas, with angels this year.

Does it get better?

2010-12-01T17:47:02Z

Hello everyone,

Firstly i would like to apologise to you all, i haven't been on here much and i now feel guilty as you were all here to support me when i needed it and then i disappear and don't do the same for you all, so please guys accept my apologies.

So how am i doing????

Great question.......I kind of feel as if i have gone from denial to acceptance without all of the other stages of grief in-between. I carry on as normal going through the motions ignoring the fact that i am 'supposed' to be grieving. It still, even though it has been 4 months 3 weeks and 2 days, feels unreal that dad has gone, it still does not make sense that he can be here one day and then suddenly not, not ever going to be here ever ever again!

In my job we loose patients young and old every single day, i deal with death and grief every day yet i feel unable to deal with my own.

With Christmas looming i fear it massively, Last christmas eve was the day he was diagnosed. Christmas day was the hardest day ever. Will this year be harder?

People keep telling me to look for the signs???

They will show me that dad is still around me???

It doesn't feel that way...i have a big loving family around me yet somedays i feel so alone.

I am so grateful that i had my dad as my dad, he made me into the person i am today. My birth mother died at age 21 when i was 2. My dad was a widower with 2 children at the age of 20 and he did an amazing job. He met a wonderful lady 5 years later and she has been my mum ever since she is amazing and i have never considered her as any thing other that the best mum anyone could hope for. Cancer has now taken my dad at the age of 49. This life is so unfair.

Someone told me not long ago that this is hell and where we go when we die is where our 'life' starts. I sure hope so.

Sorry again guys and i hope you can understand why i kept away. You are all so brave and i just hope my ramblings haven't bought any of you down.

Keep fighting. Love and kisses to you all.

Vicki.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx